Tuesday, December 21, 2010


It's strange sometimes.
the pumkin turns into a carriage, and the poor become wealthy.
I don't know what to type.  My grandma Fern may be dieing tonight, and my mom has made a trip to the hospital, an hour drive in michigan's winter. 

I was never scared of death until my son was born.  There was something at that moment, when I heard officailly that I was pregnant that now tied me forever to this world.  Tied me in a way that scared me.  I no longer even could ponder the thought of leaving it.  I want to see him in his first kidnegarten play, his first prom, his graduation, his wedding, and my grandchildren.  Hopefully in that order.

When I'd never think of death as something life changing before, now I'm frightened.  I don't want to lose loved ones, I don't want to miss out on thier lives, I want to be a part of thier lives.  My wealth is in my son's future, and in all of those who are a part of it. 

I was named after my great grandma, whom I was too little to remember, and my grandma Fern.  She would tell me she thought it was a shame they gave me that middle name, and I would tell her that I loved my middle name.   I think she just liked hearing me say that, cause she'd smile every time she told me.   The people in our family have a way of making it through even the worst health issues, and I'm hoping it'll be the same with my grandma tonight. 

As far apart as we were most of my life, I can still remember the yogurt and the cheese she'd give me.  I remember falling asleep at her house in one of those deep, rejuvenating kinda sleeps.  I remember always looking for that strange puppet she kept in the toys when we'd visit, and have it in my hopebox now, hair worn off and still the ugliest toy made for kids in history.  I remember wonderful times spent with my cousins,  in her company, looking through the books and playing with the toys.
I remember getting my first romance novel from her despite my mom's objections, and reading it for 8 hours straight (Wolf Song).  There are tiny things in life that make you who you are, bad or good, they influence your life forever.   Here's to my Grandma Fern, and the warm times spent with her, and my Aunts, Uncles and cousins at her house.  And here's to the wonderful daughter she produced in my mom, who's strength I've admired and covetted my entire life. 

I love my middle name.

Nellie Fern Tobey.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Yea Tron!

Taking myself to the movies for my birthday.  Going to see Tron.  I remember thinking the original was so amazing, so I'm excited to see what they did with it now.  Especially with what we know now about technology. 

Still waiting for the next Airbender movie, and a new star trek, but it looks like they are gonna punk out on the airbender one.  I hate it when they make movies that are supposed to be continued, then don't make the sequals!

Life is good, got up before my alarm this morning.  Mainly because my  bladder seems to be on a timer lately.  Eh, time to head to work.  Three weekends off in a row!  Swwweeet.  Happy Friday everyone!

Monday, December 13, 2010

soul mates

I don't think I have a special someone out there.  I would like to think I am a tolerant person, but I've learned that I don't want to comprimise.  I was married for a year to a man, father of my son, until I realized that my son was more important to me then any man.  I could not be ok with taking care of a man and taking away from my son to do so.  I couldn't let my son be raised by someone who thought violence was fun, and being in prison was a badge of honor.   I've met some fellas along the way, but I always found myself comprimising.  
 "this one has a job, he takes care of himself, so the other stuff is ok."
  "this one is affectionate and cuddly and loves kids... so being a pathological liar can be overlooked."
  "this one ....  ectera... ectera..."

I don't want that.  I want a guy who works, can totally take care of himself, and would be willing to fully contribute to my household, but still let me run my family.    I want a guy who showers me and my son with love, and loves doing it.   I want a guy who tolerates my anti-social behaviors and doesn't force me into social gatherings.  I want a guy who loves sitting and just watching movies quietly, and a guy who is mechanically inclined (yea, dad is right about that one).   

I want someone who will not hate my unique family members, and is good about being nice to them.   I want someone who has as much distaste for gossip as I do.   The rest of stuff, like intelligence and personality I think will fit in with the other stuff and I'm not picky.  

But alas, if he's out there, I'll never meet him.  I don't go out, and if he does hate movie talkers like I do the one thing I do like to go do.... Well we wouldn't be talking at the theatre so.    Oh and drinking.  A few drinks now and again, but I hate hopping bars, even going for that matter, so no partier. 

I don't have many things that would disqualify a guy, or friends for that matter, but I do have three main ones that pretty much remove people from my life.

#1   hurting children.  (I don't care, forgiveness is not mine to give, thier out)
#2  Being abusive.  (emotionally or physically,  I can't change people so until they've changed themselves, get get)
#3  Being hateful or dishonest (prejudice against anyone is still prejudice, being hateful against someone is even more terrible.  I married a pathological liar, and NEVER again.)

I'm sure I have more, but they aren't deal breakers.  

I just don't think long term relationships are meant for me.  I've got my son, I've got my family, and other people come and go. 

Ok, so I don't know what my point is.  I just get sick of the fairy tale movies where everyone is perfect, or one person is so perfect that the other one can be completely messed up and it works out anyways.  It's just not real, those people don't exist, well not that I've met.  And I'm sure as hell going to try and train my son to be one of those galant men from the movies.   Speaking of,  He's stolen my cheat sheet for Sims 2 again.  I need to get him in bed.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


 It's time to go cuddle with my kid.  I was debating writing something, but have decided that there are more important things to do, like wrestle with Richard.  

I'm pretty sure I'll be doing a continuation of the story I wrote about the strong girl who ran into the house fire.   My dad mentioned that I should have left the story open for her to have survived and go into hiding with her super strength.   I like the character a lot, since my strength is always underestimated and they do like to think of me as wonder woman at work. 

Well time to go make a baby barrito and roll that kid up in some covers.  Nothing in life is more important than these fun things. 

Oh, and my Aunt Janet, who is currently trying to survive at the ICU is an amazing woman who has such an amazing heart and potential.

Drugs have made so many things wrong in her life, and the life of those around her.  If someone could pluck the drugs from her, and leave her whole, the world would be privledged with a spectacular woman with a heart of gold.   I hate drugs.  Everything about them, the damage they do and the people they destroy.  I want her to get better, and I want her to never touch drugs again...  I just want my Aunt Janet to survive.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Watching my kid play Wii, wondering what it is that makes people tick.  I'm wondering why it always seems like christmas always comes slow, and then disappears so fast.  Trying not to discuss my issue's with friends at the moment since I don't even really understand.   It's crazyness as far as I am concerned, and I know crazy.  Been there, done that.    
   It's like wanting to put the fire out, but someone throws gas onto it every time it starts to die down.  Eh, that's the best I can explain it.   Still trying to figure out how blogging works.  I love the stuff other people write, but I'm really not that interesting.  I could tell stories about being in the nuthouse, but it seems like that would be like an alcoholic reliving drunken escapades.  Is that really something people want to read about?
I could talk about my life, but that just seems like self gratification.  
    I guess as boring as I am, I like it that way.  I think I'll stick to short stories, or fictional stuff.   Oh and things you're not supposed to say, that's a nice outlet and I'm totally ok with exploiting the blog for it.

"Cruelty is a choice, not an opinion."
"If I see the man steal a car, it isn't judgemental to say he's a thief, it's a truth."
"Slow down, we aren't your slaves and it isn't your job to work us so hard someone could get hurt."
"That is just good old fashioned Stupid."

Anyways, maybe I'll do a story later when I'm not so mad. 

Friday, November 26, 2010

Seriously child!

I finally got to get on this thing and check all my internet stuff... I was even going to blog for a while.

My child has decided the PS3 is no longer what he wants, and since I'm actually enjoying it, he might as well want it.

He is now laying on the floor, saying "want the puter?"  over and over, and being persistantly cute about it. 
Am I a pushover?  Maybe... Ok yes.  But then again since he isn't going to play the PS3, I might as well let him have the puter.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

This is me welding last saturday.  I wanted to get some cool pictures of my dad welding for my son.  He took some of me while I worked too.  He's a super grandpa, and I want my kid to see pictures when he's older and see the same magical man that I do.  I must say I look pretty cool making lightning balls too!  Still waiting to hear about my house.  The offer has been submitted, and now it's just a waiting game.  I spent all my christmas money to put the offer in, so hopefully one way or the other they don't take forever to decide if they accept the offer.  It's either presents under the tree or a new house to put the tree in.   Either way I think I'm happy.  (I really like that house though!)  This is grandpa down below.  Always my superman, thats my dad.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

hopes up

I hate getting my hopes up just to have them squaRshed like a crippled spider under the foot of a fat furry squirell with his mouth full of plastic nuts. 

I was already trying to decide where I would put funiture, how I would fix little problems... All the stuff I promised I wouldn't think about until I knew I had an offer accepted on a home.  But the more I look into the fact that the selling agent doesn't know where to send my offer, the more I realize the house may not be up for purchase.  The bank that owns it doesn't even have it listed in thier computers for sale... At least that is what my mom told me she found out. 

I don't wanna be negative about it, because what if I'm wrong?  What if I pull out on the offer, and it is really just a communication error, and the house could have been mine? 

I don't think materialistic things matter much to God.  People praying to win the lotto, praying for the new car or the raise at thier job.  Everything I've read says that money is evil, and to base your world around it will cause you nothing but misery and reward nothing toward the soul.  I'd like to think a home is different because I require a roof for my family, and some kind of structure to live in.  Now a days that requires a house. 

God takes care of his sparrows, so I'm just going to try and sleep and not think about it.  Either way I have a good home now, and if I have to wait it may be for the best.  I am thankful for all I have and I shouldn't let myself forget that.  Now if I can just get that squirell to stop picking at the fake acorns on my christmas decorations, maybe that spider could get out of the damn way.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Watching ghost hunters, love it when dave wigs out over nothing, so far he isn't wigging out... bummer.  
I loved it when they did the whinchester house.  If I get rich, I'm going to build a house like that.  You could have the best holiday parties EVER.  Especially holloween, but all of them would be fun.  Hide and go seek could be the new adult party game in that house.

So if you haven't googled it yet,  here it is.  http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/
 Yes, I am aware that some day I will be the crazy old grandma with the spooky house that smells like cookies and wet dog.   I'm not proud of it, but I've accepted it.  Hopefully I'm the fun kind that everyone loves to visit.

So the crappy day has went away.  And it is almost the weekend!  And soon I'll have a real vacation day to use.  And I'm looking at a house I might make an offer on tomorrow.   Hopefully my weak loan and long time table will pass, but if not, then I'll just keep looking.

I can't stand putting 675 a month in someone elses pocket.  Granted a house has it's expenses and renting doesn't, but when you own it... they can't take it (unless you don't pay).  It is also then private property.  Someone doesn't have a key to my house unless I give it to them.   And it would be mine, something I can pass on to my child, or my grandchild.  Or even some day sell to move into the winchester mansion! 

Well time for bed, kid needs to go upstairs and I think he fell asleep watching thomas the train. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

Bi Polar?

Ok, so I've learned to control my Bipolar quite well but some days it is extremely difficult not to make moose ears with my hands and run laughing away from my house like a wild baboon. 

Well, not that extreme, but it makes the point I think.  I've been overly aggitated lately which is only compounded by the fact that things are going wonderfully.  I know that shouldn't make sense, but this is how it works....

All these things are good:
Big beautiful and healthy son who needs and loves me
Got approved for a home loan
Got hired in at work
Got loving parents that are there for me
Got awsome brothers who love me
Got good friends who want to be a part of my life

And then the little stuff nags... and I feel guilty because I shouldn't be so aggitated.
Have to wait until march to get a house (guilt! I should be happy I got a loan!)
Incompitence, paranoia and damage control are a minute by minute part of the job (Don't complain bitch you have a job! A real job!)
I can't send my kid to grandparents house for the weekend. I support one and the other has a wife who wouldn't approve. (guilt- I should be happy to be a mom and not want a weekend to myself. For Shame!)
Oh and the faternal grandparents have yet to try and contact me in over 2 years. (Kinda glad for it, shame on me.)
I'm always jealous of the private life of my brothers, the ability to make and choose on thier own and the willpower to do what they want.  (Stop wining and do it already, stop being a coward)
One friend is violent toward partner and a lush to boot, and the other is a hoity toity who thinks money determines the wealth of a man.   (they'll probably see this and hate me. I'm sick of waiving my personal beliefs to fit others)
My other long distance friends are living thier lives splendidly and I am sad that I screwed up went crazy and didn't get to join in on the ride. 

So what I do now is wait for all the negative crap to sweep out of my head (it usually does after a while) enjoy the little spurts of 'happy days' and wait for another round of the crappy days to pass. 

Is this how normal people do it?  Am I alone in how this works?  Is it so bad to want a day to yourself without feeling guilty about not spending the time with my child?  How do other people let this stuff go?  Does it just disappear like when you drop a piece of steak by the dog?   Am I a bad person for letting this negative stuff attach to the really great blessings I've been given?

I want it to snow.
I want the winter to wash away the dead
with white fluffy masses of ice
The people singing
the cold creeping
and then remind me
about my nice warm bed

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Anonymity is derived from the Greek word ἀνωνυμία, anonymia, meaning "without a name" or "namelessness". In colloquial use, anonymity typically refers to the state of an individuals personal identity, or personally identifiable information, being publicly unknown.

I don't think this is the exact word I'm looking for.   Everybody needs some of it.  The privacy of thought and being, a certain power over ones self to be ... unreplacable.  

That being said, there are people in this world that want to intrude, invade and destroy the anonymity in a person.  It gives them power to tear down any privacy one might have.  Whether it be the nosey grocery lady who wants to know why you are buying old bananas, or the quick witted church lady who wants to discover any uncovered sin so that she may later rub you into hell with it. 

I don't respect these kinds of people.  I don't believe that it is curiosity that leads them to invade another person's being.  Granted there are times when one wishes to share things, One wishes to divulge the desires of their heart to another human being, but when it is being forced out of them through badgering or invasive prods it is then I feel a human crime.  A crime against a fellow human being to try and take away from them what a whole lifetime has given. 

On another anonymous note, I don't respect a person who grotesquely trys to persuade and punish people into believing, thinking, or seeing a world that isn't their own. When we are young we seek this kind of interference....When your older though if someone is pushing that much into your being it can be a form of abusiveness.   Now I'm not talking about going to a class at the college and hearing a lecture on how communism is harmless, or a PETA convention where people express their views on animals.  I'm talking about close personal relationships that threaten to tear down the fiber of who we want, or are supposed to be. 

Eh, maybe I'm being over dramatic but damn it, I want to run out into the snow bearfoot and relish the cold without someone yelling from the sidewalk that I'm being crazy.  I shouldn't care what they think, but they intrude on my space and I find it offensive.  Keep walking stranger, I like really ripe bananas and I'll paint nekkid ladies without it being a sign of sexual orientation.   Mona Lisa should have been nekkid, but I don't think DiVinci had the right prosthetics then.  If I cut my hair short, it's because I don't want it long and if I paint my fingernails black it is because it feels good.   Keep walking stranger because you don't need to know me to stay stuck in your little world.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Just sitting here watching my kid play Worms.  He really could care less about winning.  He just likes blowing the little guys up regardless of which team they are on.  The stray cat we took in is following me everywhere, even the bathroom.  He's a good cat, so far.  I've never been a cat person but he's friendly and does his
business out side.  Also, soft and fluffy helps. 

Been playing final fantasy 13 for a while now, and the battling never stops!  It is also extremely linear. I have yet to find side quests, and the leveling system restrics you from exceeding beyond what the storyline allows.  I'm sorry but final fantasy should be about getting your characters to Uber levels so you can womp on any boss that looks in your direction, but so far all I've been able to do is hope not to die.  WTF square enix?  I want to make my characters badasses before I get half way through the game but all I'm doing is squeeking through endless, and I mean ENDLESS battles with subpar stats.  Love the story and movies, but dang. I am dissappointed. 

The new Harry Potter movie comes out soon.  I'm excited to see it, but it sucks it has to be in two parts.  Ummmmm...... Can't think of anything else.

  Random thought I'm not supposed to say outloud for the day.
                "Stop F**king wining and just do your job." 

Sunday, October 31, 2010


Election days tuesday, just finished watching 'splice' It was good.  Watched Karate Kid last night with my guy friend.  My kid watched some, but only when the exciting music was on. 

My kid is dancing and has to go potty.

Ok, the potty chair was the best invention ever.  Well maybe not the best, but it certainly made getting him to poo a lot easier. 

Does anyone else have days were they just want to say things to people... Regardless of the moral compass inside that says, "that's mean! You can't say that!" 
    "Really?  STFU."    That's a big one, but the compass inside says 'no no no'.  
    Or how about "If your so fucking smart, why does your mouth open so much?" 
     Or how about "The fact is, this world is full of humans and you are one of them." 
    "I want to love someone, but now adays it just doesn't seem necessary."   (not referring to my kid people, I really don't believe theres an emotional description of the parent child bond, love just doesn't cover it all)

Well, I'm sure there are tons of random stuff we all wish we could say and don't.   But I think it'll be fun to post a bunch whenever one comes up.   Feel free to leave yours in the comment section. 

    "It's just that... well... You're an asshole."  
    "You're so georgeous I want to lick your face."  (this one comes up more often then I'll ever admit.)

Enough of that, time to think positive and eat. I'm so hungry, can't wait to do some christmas shopping.  An almost guilt free waste of money.  Hurray!

This is sounding scatterbrained I know, but not getting the cohesive thought spans today.  Maybe next time.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


There is some Radian6 website that is an access point for people viewing one of my stories.  Not sure why a marketing website is linked to my stories at all, but cool.  It's bringing viewers.  Not sure why, but it's bringing them. 

Well I just tryed Yoga on demand with, but my boy jumped on me every time I tried to do a stretch. 
Now he's harassing me about goodies.   K, gotta run and feed my boy.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


I've been looking over my stats, and it seems that tons of people are reading my Rollalong Hill story, but they've all skipped over part 5 of 6.  Am I wrong? is there some hiding page view thing-a-ma-bob?  I can't imagine the story fits together right without it.  Well feel free to let me know. I am not technically good with this blogger stuff, so I'd love to know if I'm looking at it wrong. 

And besides, Still no comments from all those mysterious looky-Lous.   You guys have me completely curious.  Not just half-assed curious, completely curious.  Is it all by accident that people are viewing my story?  Is it one person reading it over and over?  Does it suck ?  Let me know.  I encourage all feedback.  Or write me even  sarahssmiling2@yahoo.com  just make sure the subject says 'blogger' otherwise I'll assume its spam along with the other 100 I get a day.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

43 by 48

My child had his 3 year well child checkup today.  He is 43 inches tall and 48 pounds.  Off the charts for both.  My hip has been murdering me lately and I thought maybe I had done something to it.  Well, just moments ago I was contemplating that my child weighs more then the space-craft boxes at work that are a pain in the ass to load onto the baler line. 
    If I had to carry one of those around on a regular basis, why sure, My joints would protest.   So it was one of those 'duh' moments.  Yes I'm a natural blond, but scientifically hair color has nothing to do with intelligence!

Anyhoo, I read one of my older short stories, and wanted to write another, but I need to go to sleep. Maybe one day, I'll regret wishing for more time to myself.  Granted my kid is independent enough, but the guilt with being a single parent is that you'll never make up for the missing parent and it's your duty to try.

The doctor was asking questions about Richard (my boy) and it actually took time for me to think it over. I'd like to think it's the swiss cheese residing in my brain that made it an effort to recall pertinent information, but then the guilt sets in that I should be paying more attention, keeping track better.  I know my kid speaks in sentences, but I should have blushed when I asked the doctor "Does, 'I want to play the game' count?"

Well, enough of my bad parenting skills, cause damn it, my kid will have the best friggen hand-eye coordination this world has ever seen!   I still have to look at the paddle to make sure I'm pushing the square button, and my kid doesn't.  

I'm just rambling now.  My hip is really achy and I need to lay down.   Gotta save the world one news paper at a time tomorrow.  

Oh ya, people, just because something says it is recyclable on the package DOES NOT mean your recycling facility has the machinery or capability to process it!
If your looking for places to recycle Styrofoam, check local packaging companies in the yellow pages.  And donate to places like Love Inc. and Goodwill.   Just because you're new Washing machine is better doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there who just wishes they had one that works. 


Monday, October 18, 2010


Have you ever had one of those days where you are hoping one of those solicitous people call your phone?  Just hoping to have some kind of conversation with someone random and completely unaware of who you are? 

Ya, so comment on my stuff people.  I'm like the lonely old lady sitting at home calling random businesses to ask questions about a tire, or a chicken meal, or a special discount.  Just want people to talk to.  Ok, so i'm not that desperate, but If I say I am, maybe people will start commenting.  I really do obsess people.  I've had over 400 views, and only one comment from a stranger.  Do I need to be more friendly or open or something?  What if I ask questions?
    How many people have read my Rollalong Hill story?  Do you guys hate it, love it, get bored with it?  Was my grammar to terrible to take?   So whats up?

Who are you people and why won't you talk to me!?   I'll talk back I promise.  Might take some time to get on the webpage and see comments, but I'll be on that sh*t  like a starving fly.   

Eh, allrighty then.  I'll write again when I actually think of something worth saying.  For now I've resorted to posting in the absence of anything better to say.   That's how this blogger thing works right? Post ubiquitous stuff and sooner or later people will love you!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Stupid internet

i was typing all these brilliant assumptions about dark matter and it's clear defiance of our laws of physics, and the stupid internet frizzed out, and i didn't have a chance to post it.   Eh, it all just represented how ignorant I am of the whole thing anyways.

So I'll just retype the part I can remember.   1/0 x 0/1 = 1.     Infinity multiplied by zero is one.   Nothing from an infinite somethings still exists.  An infinite amount of nothings still exists.  They are just numbers,  representive of some value.   Even a big ol' mass of nothing to which we can not identify has a value.  It exists.   There may be no way to measure nothing,  no way to measure infinite, and no way to identify dark matter (yet), but it exists.

Scientists used to say the Earth was flat, and until they were given proof they were wrong, they had no reason to believe otherwise.   Our planet can not dictate what billions, trillions of other things, other matters, or other energys are.  Just because one tiny spec of water contains H2O doesn't mean a multitude of other things don't exist outside of that. we're just a tiny spec inside the tiny spec that makes up a billion other tiny specs.  Why are our laws absolute? Why does our elemental chart dictate what the universe can be made of?

Eh, I'm just rambling.   I'm not the nobel prize type, but eh I know that someday someone will figure it out.  Just like someone decided to prove the Earth wasn't flat.   Dang it, our world is complicated enough, lets figure this place out before we go trying to identify possibly universe imploding substances.   Although if I win the lotto, my first 300k  will go to taking one of those personal space flights they just showed on T.V.  Live long and prosper!! Trek forever!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Yea! polotics.

I hate politics.  Mostly just the season of politics.  It really shows the ugly nature of our humanity at times.  There are so many negative adds,  If this is all we have to pick from, then all we have is a bunch of liars and crooked jerks.   I think from now on, I'll only vote for people on the ballot of which I have heard nothing about.  Seems logical right?  If I've never heard of them, then there were no negative adds put out by them or about them.  They must be the best choice.  

Secretly though, I'm still voting for Rick Snyder.  I don't know anything about republicans or democrats, but I know that he's only run one negative add, and it seemed pretty much just straight forward facts to me.  None of that misdirection or circumventing all the other ones LOVE to use.   This opponent said in a commity meeting twelve years ago he agreed in prescribing methadone to uninsured people, and suddenly an add is put out that the guy wanted all people who asked for it to get free heroin! .... Seriously do they think people are that stupid?

   Well I guess there must be a lot of them out there, because somehow, the shit works every year.   I don't care who wins, I just want the winner to be an honest human being for once.

Sunday, October 3, 2010


So I might have this opportunity to put some of my art in a powerful person's house.  I'm totally psyched that it might actually happen.  Then again the pessimistic part of me says, "there's no way this person is going to let someone else pick out what goes in their house."  It's a long complicated thing to explain, and I'm really not supposed to say who or what it's all about, but still.  I'm excited and the possibility would make a huge difference in my life.  Not just because of having my name in someone like that's house, but because my confidence would grow like in the cartoons.  You know, when the little mouse eats the growing beans and gets huge and strong. 
        I have friends and family that like my stuff, but that kind of thing, even if I only get to put one painting in there, would just make me proud, I could tell my son, my dad could brag, my mom and brothers could brag.  It's just ... awesome. 
        It makes me wish I had actually done something in college. A couple art classes does not an art degree make.  Eh, anyhoo.  I have to go to work in the morning, and it's going to be a nice cold one.  Did I mention I love the cold weather?  Nothing better then cuddling up in warm cloths and putting the munchkin in footy pajamas.  Although pretty soon they aren't going to make them in his size.  He's already in 5 T, and he just turned 3.   My little Hercules.
         Please please please let the famous person decide I can paint something for the house!  I probably won't even be able to brag if they do... oh bummer.  I didn't think of that.  It might not even be true anyways. How the hell does awesome stuff like that happen to people?  Not that I'm complaining. I am complaining. I just am going to be severely disappointed if this is all some concocted story and I'm just some dupe falling for it.  Hopefully not.  But I still have a feeling this famous person has their own designer, and all I'll ever be able to do is tell a good story about how one time, I almost got my paintings in their house.

Monday, September 27, 2010


Interaction.  All the warmth of holding a baby, totally dependent on me, the terrible twos where nothing was right, and communication was a flurry of Herculean temper tantrums. 

Finally, I have interaction with my son.  It took 3 years, but he finally figured out that calling me mom makes everything happen.  My heart is full of joy, because now we can interact.  My little man talks to me, he asks me for things, he talks to me (although most of it is monosyllabic).  It is direct human contact between us as individuals and it makes everything better. (although he can stop wiping his nose on my arm any time now.)  At least he hasn't figured out how to pick his nose.

Is it legal for a financial institution to use e-mail, or unused online accounts as their contact with a customer?  Seriously, I thought I had a couple months before my student loans with nelnet needed to be deferred again, and I finally register for an account with their online resource, and find out they've been sending all my information there, instead of in the mail!  Really?  Can that be legal?  What about people who don't own computers or have Internet?  I want real, bonofied U.S. Mail to tell me this stuff, not the Internet.  Mail fraud can be identified and prosecuted, the Internet has no legal barriers.  It's just not right. 

  Anyways.  I have a friend that wants to 'help' with my financial situation, and I keep thinking.  Have I not done an amazing job on my own?  I took care of three people for 2 years on minimum wage and in an expensive rental house.  Do I look like I don't know what I'm doing?  Do I seem stupid?  Because seriously, it's rather unnerving to think that he wants to see a years worth of finances to help when all I really wanted was for him to explain a 401 K to me.    I think I've damn well proven I can manage my money just fine. 

So what do you say to someone to keep from hurting their feelings, when really all you want to say is, "It's none of your fucking business."  I know I screwed up with my student loans, but honestly the government gave me student loans, sold them to different brokers and finally say pay up when they gave a loan to someone only making 5.00 an hour working 30 hours a week at a college kitchen. Ya, ya, if they gave out student loans based on the same things car or mortgage companies did, no one would get educations, but how is it that they can make these deals, and there isn't a way out for someone who never made it through college because of debilitating disability.  

Eh, that is enough griping.  My son has made me happy, and I want to enjoy it for all it is.  Something no amount of money can buy or secure.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I've decided that toy story is the new velveteen rabbit.   I thought that my toys would come to life when I wasn't looking because of that sunday morning cartoon with the little boy who got sick and lost his favorite stuffed toy(The Velveteen Rabbit).  My Gusto (the bear I've had and *blush* slept with for 26 years) should definitely get visited by a fairy and get to turn into a real bear.  I've loved the fur off most of him.  The bear was made by kinderbocks, at least I'm pretty sure this is what his tag says.
    His eyes are gone, and his nose has had to be sewn on, I cut his tongue off when I was a kid, but other then that and a few bald spots he's one tough stuffed animal.  The ones now a days fall apart after a year, and good luck finding one with real stuffing.  
      Well, that's just my thoughts for today.  I know it isn't real profound, but I think their is a correlation between toys having their own life, stuffed rabbits that get to be real because they are loved so much, and Pinocchio.  Every kid wonders if their toys come to life when they aren't looking.  Seems a materialistic thing to teach children, but respecting life even if it doesn't exist is a good start if you ask me.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I sit here wondering when time will stop, and when it will begin
Sands dripping wet and sloppy into a spiraling drain
The beauty of it stained by the frothy bubbles circulating

hypocrites of reason they defy their own logic
It passes, it surrenders and it fights to stay put.
What love is this, that it aspires such fear
What anger is this, that it fills the happiness with foreboding
It just seems shadows in the mid day light
Dismiss them, ignore them, do not acknowledge.

There is hope in the passing strangers
their wonderful joy spreads the darkness thin
but they are fleeting, and they never stop long enough
Never long enough.

The clock holds still, joy seeps in
A stranger that passes too.  
It stays long enough for a bath of envy
long enough for a shower of certainty.

Let the floods begin
my raft of plenty is full
It shall pass, as it always does
When will time stop, and when will it begin.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


First off, a reminder that Rollalong Hill starts with part 1 of 6   and ends with part 6 of 6.

So for today's note:
   I am having those brief moments throughout the day where I go, "I need this to change to be happy."  Then the idea of how to do that fleets from my mind so fast, I can't grab a hold of it.   It's like that story of the man who sat in complete peace and could see the mysteries of the universe unfold completely, but became unsettled from that peace just long enough to lose the answers forever.
    No matter how he tried, he could never remember or recreate the things he knew only moments ago.
    Nothing near that profound has come to me, but not being able to grasp my answers when they were in my head and still linger like shadows teasing me, is frankly depressing.
   I want change so badly, but just can't grasp how or when to do it.   Granted some recent events have made it clear that things CAN NOT remain unchanged, I still feel the need to make sure I don't screw up how good it's gotten either.   Is it worth the risk to the recently found comfort to jump into a new way of life?  
   Oh, and I am pretty damn sure that having a man/companion was NOT a part of the answers that flitted away so fast.  That too, is just depressing.   Maybe it wouldn't be if I had any luck at finding love,  but all I've ever found is someone happy to use me.  Yup, let me count them up in my head... use... use... use...use... Oh that gay one that I still have a crush on... use ..   Ya, my son is the only one I give permission to use me nowadays.   
   Here's hoping that the shadows don't just disappear into one of those black holes in my brain that keep sucking away my ability to think, remember or speak properly.  
   But here is to God for taking care of this sparrow.  Times are definitely better, and my son is safe.  Is it wrong to bitch about stuff and try and be thankful at the same time?  Is that like winning the lottery and bitching there isn't enough money? 

Another reminder,  Feel free to comment! I obsess over getting comments.  It is the first thing I check for every time I log on.  It's like sitting by the phone lonely waiting for anyone, even a wrong number to call for interaction.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Just to be honest, I chose that title so people would find this blog when they typed it in search.  People needing to look it up in their search bar need some kind of distraction I'm sure.  Anyways, life is good, and Big Brother #12 is about to be crowned.  GO LANE! I would vote for the person I liked the most, regardless of skill.  I know, it's not how it is supposed to be done, but dang it.  Hitler was a good painter, but do I want to give him an award for painting?  Hell no.  I'll give it to the kid with crayons first. 
   Maybe it's wrong, but such is life.  Such is humanity.  Not comparing anyone to Hitler, Hayden is super hot, and way out of my league, I just want the underdog to win.
    And Ragean is my favorite of all time!  Anyways. 
   I need to go to bed, damned Big Brother!
    I'd never make it on that show.  I'd crack, or people would just hate me, because lets face it I would play the worst social game in the history of the show.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


yet again, I have affirmed my need to be anti-social.  I've gotten better at handling crowds and close encounters of the human kind.  Somehow I still get overwelmed when confrontation rears its face.  A Nelnet automated phone call keeps asking for my social security number to give me very important information.  I called the number back to ask them to stop calling.  After much aggrivation and sputtering on my part the guy finally hung up on me. 
  I guess I may have been being a jerk, but damn it,  the man said they had a 'right' to keep calling me no matter what, and since I would not give him my personal information to confirm who I was, they were going to keep calling.
  Really?!   All I want is to get the stuff in the mail.  My phone is not a public line for them to use as they please.  I pay for that service, and they shouldn't have a right to call it as much as they want.  Who really knows if they are from Nelnet?  What if they are some foriegn based call center there to collect social security numbers and then invade my life and my finances?   How can I be sure?  ... but yet, as the man said, they have a right to call my number until I confirm my identity and ask them to stop. 
   So what if I wasn't Nellie Tobey?  What if I had moved, and someone gleaned my social security number from the mail?  The person could then access all my information with that one automated phone call.  I know it's kinda silly and paranoid.  Still. 
  I should be able to choose how my student loan company harrasses me.  I should be able to ask nicely and have them stop.  It's my phone number, and I pay for it.   Bah. 
   I tried working on that sci-fi at work today, but realized it's a hopeless cause and the whole story needs to be re-written. 
   Why can't people be more like dogs?  They're mad, they growl.  They're hurt, they whimper.  They love you, they greet you and cover you in slober every day... well maybe not that last part. 
   It is clear, it is apparent and it is not deceptive.  There is very little confusion to be had. 
Eh thats it for the night, I want to climb under my covers and forget how terrible people can be.   And I guess, even though I don't know his name, I should appologize to that Nelnet guy.  It was his job regardless of how upset I was.  Not his fault my phone has been blown up by barely english marketers trying to get my personal information for a free $200 Walmart gift card.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Is it possible that in the future a person could be prosecuted and criminally charged for not voting? Is it possible that people could be restricted from legal rights as an American Citizen just for not being registered to vote?
Is it also my right to choose not to vote? What if I truly believe I can not make an educated vote? What if I believe that my vote could put the wrong person in office? Why isn't there an option on voting ballots to say "none of the above" like on Brewsters Millions? Why can't we as a people throw out the nominations by the political parties that truly run our government without true people's consent?

Eh, I'll vote. I want to vote for someone this time around. But still... at certain times throughout our short history as a nation, being registered to vote meant way more then checking boxes on a ballot. Why are we still doing it? Especially since it's not our votes that will determine who gets that chair? Sure it will influence it a bit, but the peoples vote does not really make a difference if the politicians decide it doesn't.

Write your senator? Are you kidding? They do what makes them popular. They don't care what we think, and they don't have to. They care what will piss us off, they care what will lose in polls, but as to their vote... They get that decision with or without our consent.

OK, that was my attempt at being political. I suck at it because I really have NO clue how it works. I'm still that gullible 8 year old at heart who thinks that everyone puts the names in a bag, and the teacher counts up the one with the most votes.

On other notes, I like my nice boring do nothing life. Me and my son, being lazy on Saturdays, him sleeping in my bed and watching Toy Story until he falls asleep. It's amazing to be able to do that, and it won't last forever. I'm not giving it up anymore. Not for anyone.

I've finally found truth about my Victorian lady and that physicist.

(first off, I am single, divorced and happy that way) Lets do a poll. Is an emotional+flirty affair just as damaging to a family as a sexual one?
Either way, I won't be a party to it.
Is it ok for one human to kick someone else in the head because they are 'intoxicated' or 'insane'?
Hell No!
Do friends try and see past flaws and mistakes?
I try to.
Is it better to walk away from a friend, then to make them an enemy?
... lets hope.
Can one human control the perceptions or emotional reactions of another human being?
Can one human try and keep another human from becoming an emotional time bomb?
Oh you can try, but they ultimately they decide to light the fuse. Just be ready to find a good bunker.

I didn't buy some wheat bread today, and my uncle was so upset, he told me I could no longer be his niece. He proclaimed that I had disowned him as an uncle. It was his last chance to have wheat bread before he took off to be a doctor in Tahiti,. I was going to go out and get bread, but he never stopped freaking out about the wheat bread or how I had deliberately came home first instead of stopping at the bread store. All the while he enjoyed a loaf of white bread... why would I go out now and get him bread? I was just glad when he finally left. He can go get his own damned bread.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


So I was actually interested in dating this guy... A nuclear physicist from down the road. It's the same guy who let me know Wal-mart sells sugar and that molecular condensation for the mere purpose of creating that compound was just too rediculous when I can go to the Wally world and buy it in a ten pound bag. Anyways, the company he keeps in the form of a victorian lady from my past has turned out to be, well disturbing. He's also one of those dudes who loves to stare into his reflection as the beaker bubbles and boils. Anyways, that's the best way to describe my fictional social life. The victorian lady has refused to be my friend anymore and has insisted she will morn the loss of me as a friend. It reminds me of someone throwing away leftovers that they had so scrumptiously enjoyed the night before. Like saying, "Those were delicious last night, but now they have to go and it makes me sad." (plate of food gets scraped in garbage)

That's the best I can do without becoming an angry bitch and descibing in detail the amount of fustration I have with these people. My kid is once again stealing me away from the computer. I fear it is now my only social outlet until I get my kid enrolled in a headstart program. (I dread and fear having to interact with the other mothers and fathers.) I have a feeling that they'll mostly be twenty somethings the way this latter generation has turned out. I'll have to establish more fictional life later. My solar powered combustion inhibitor is about to fade and I have to get some juice for the child.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'm not funny

I've been reading other peoples' blogs and have decided that my life is not interesting or humorous enough to talk about. I work, I come home, I blog sometimes and I sleep. People talk about awkward social interaction, but if it's a stranger I avoid interaction at all costs. There really isn't much for me to talk about. And humor?

Lets say I can't even read a joke from a piece of paper without making it completely suck. My speaking skills are that of a person with brain damage... Literally. Unless I've planned exactly what to say and practiced, it comes out mostly wrong, backwards and most of the time the words don't even pronunciate properly. My kid has been called everything from huddy to crummy when I try to say buddy. So lets just say, what is there to talk about where I don't sound like a complete narcissist when I have no real social interaction? Does work or my 2 whole friends count? (and honestly they are tragically more interesting then me so I'd feel bad writing about them.) Help me people, I don't care if you post comments and make up fictional people.... Wait! That's a great idea. I'm just going to make up people and situations. Are you all really going to know?

Crap... Then that's being dishonest and I would feel horrible. All well. No ones fallowing me but my brother and my best friend, so I guess I'll give it a whirl. Why not? So tomorrow night will be a post about my amazing interaction with someone at the nuclear physics lab down the road... I went to ask for sugar, but the guards directed me to the Wal-mart just up the road.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I've decided that my week in the office I will rewrite/edit my sci-fi I wrote last summer. It needs a lot of integrity related issues resolved. I was trying to finish it before my time was up in the office, so I ended it quickly and without much effort to coagulate the whole story. I only get 5 hours a workday with my son, so writing on here is limited. Even now he sits next to me asking for Thomas (the train) and watching Toy Story.

I've been thinking about starting an anonymous blog in which I can write the dark and creepy things that crawl in my head, but can not decide if it would be worth the trouble. I am not wholey this blog any more then I would be represented by the creepy crawly one. Something tells me there would be no harm in it, but then again who knows if I could really keep it a secret account. What is the point if it can't be kept all for myself, and if it can't be kept annonymous?

There is this odd belief I have, well it might not be odd, but I've never really discussed it with anyone. It's kind of like believing in mind reading (stay with me). If we could all read each others minds all the time... We could never really have a interpersonal identity. This person would really know I think they are a complete jerk, and that person would know that I have a huge desire to strip naked and run through a pile of shredded paper. What good is having fantasies about wringing someone's neck if they know about it? I think I've explained it, have I?
My odd belief is that if we as people do not keep some secrets, some things about us inside ourselves, if we bare it all to the world all the time, we aren't who we are, we don't have a true existance... I don't know why but it's just the way I feel. Part of why we humans treasure privacy is because we hold that sacred, and another person invading it is like someone ripping at our person. I still don't think that explains it, but it's the best way I can say it.

I guess I'm just glad that there is no such thing as psychic mind readers. That would have to be a most miserable existance. And also a huge reason I will never lead my son to believe I have super natural powers to know when, what and how he does anything. In my experience, that kind of power in the hands of the parent can do good, but it can also turn into something cruel and dibilitating.

Eh, enough of that, this kid has to go up to bed so mama can rest her sore muscles. Recycling is Very Hard work.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


They call it the winds of change. I feel and see the wind whipping the oak trees around in our yard, and it makes me content and joyful. I'm not sure why, but something about the weather finally changing, makes me want to be in this world for once. Most times I just drag myself through it as best I can, knowing that I have to stick anything and everything out for my son. But today just felt nice. It was not a struggle, it was not a battle and it was peaceful even with the day to day crap happening. This must be how normal feels. Being able to appreciate the wind blowing the cold air of fall into the tree's above me, this must be normal. I'm hoping that these winds of change stick around a while, it has been a long time since I've been able to see the world around me instead of trying to look away.
Even if it doesn't stick with me, I'm going to post this, and look back to remember that my worlds worth enjoying and my son deserves a mother who can enjoy his company on a long term basis, not just in the small great moments that fleet by.
Thank you to my boy who has made it all possible. My son is my hero, he has saved my life, he has restored my joy and I hope that I can be the kind of mother he deserves.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


I'll have another week sitting in an office comming up, so I think I'll either edit Rollalong hill some more, or I'll put up a new story that's been sitting dormant in my tax papers. Haven't decided yet, since people refuse to leave comments (I won't beg... Unless I have to).

I'm taking my son to the Zoo monday, and I'm so excited to see his reactions to the animals. I was really dreading it, especially after his meltdown at the furniture store today, but then we got home - he was amazing. He behaved! He did cute wonderful warmhearted things, and the episode of the monstrously strong 3 year old refusing to stand in front of the counter where I tried to check out, vanished.
It's all worth it in those moments. But seriously, if anyone knows how to deal with a insanely tall and strong 2-3 year old when they have tantrums, I would love suggestions. Trust me when I say it is completely different when the child has the strength to break bones, and has no fear. My little Hercules, with the heart of gold, you will always be loved most of all! I love you more then sleep baby! Never lose that strength that makes the world yours!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Yea Denmark!

This blogger has finally figured out how to check her stats! I just want to take a moment to thank those foriegn nation viewers that have 'pageview'ed me. I honestly thought my brother and my friend Tamar were the only ones viewing! But Denmark! You rock. You're fantastic. You've made me a very very happy lady tonight. Cheers to your beautiful land!

And to the other nations that have viewed,
Canada - Merci! Thank you!
United Kingdom- Thank you!
China-Ah bo u ja Lahu - Thank you!
Latvia - Paldies! - Thank you!
France- Merci! - Thank you!
Israel- Toda Raba - Thank you!
Taiwan - Kam sia Hopi - Thank you!

Here's hoping there are many more to add to the list soon! And feel free to comment people! Post like crazy! I would be honored!

mornin sunshine

Just wanted to post. Eh, it's been almost 2 years, and I only have 3 followers and 67 people to visit my posts... I'm not giving up, because then I'd never write but maybe I'm just not great at this. All well. Time to go to work.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Rollalong Hill [part 6 of 6]

Rollalong hill Part 6

Renice pursued the male gnat and rider. The more she watched, the more fascinated she was. The girl rode bareback in a litter of female gnats. Now the girl rode in a saddle on a male gnat. Renice felt her adrenaline rushing every time she came close and the downwind current turned. If he could smell her, Renice knew she could easily be devoured. In the most recent war against the relic tribes and their beasts, gnats had remained neutral, never claiming humans on either side.
All in her troop had been ambushed in the night by a litter. She was the only one to get into the sky quick enough. She watched the gnats move to another camp after hers was slaughterd. The relic tribes sky gliders were devoured too. It seemed that they had now chosen a side. The Vice wanted this girl, and she could see why.
The gnat moved faster every time she caught up. The storm slowed her, forcing against her air with billowing gusts. The lighting cascading around her, she did not have to fear being struck down, but if her wall absorbed any of the charge she could be sent streaming down in flames. She wanted that girl. The adrenaline made her take risks. It had served Renice well her entire career at Unitary. With the female gnats close behind, she could not stop and she could not waver.
Renice wanted the rank of Admiral more then surviving the vengeance of the female gnats. She would be the first sky glider to make Admiral in over 100 years. She just needed them to stop one more time and she could scoop the girl up and take her back to the Vice.
The sky-glider was not a seer as Jax was. She could not see the static shell around Nattalie growing into a vast sphere of energy in the lighting storm. Nattalies wall kept magic at a distance, but the energy around it clung to the wall like a magnetic field, piling upon itself. Lighting struck faster and heavier around that sphere than anywhere in the storm. If Jinx could not reach the edge of the storm soon, the barrier would not hold under the energy compression and the entire mountain meadow would be wiped from existence. Allen had created a terrible weapon of war out of his child. It was the gnats job to make sure she survived long enough to rip the power from the hands of the humans and give it back to the earth.
Jinx hated using her, but it had to be done. The relic beasts, as big and strong as they were would find him a deadly opponent if they thought they could strip her from him and use her without his guidance.
Jinx feared though, that was exactly their plan and his sisters had hidden that dark truth from him. Female gnats were incorrigable secret keepers.

Allen watched the raptor hop from perch to perch, stalking them as they approached the trail of a great host of soldiers. Allen stooped, putting his finger to a footprint. It was a bare foot that had touched the earth. It was large…. The energy seeped into him from the soil. “This is not Unitary.”
Stewart threw his hands in the air, “Of course not!” Stewart pointed to the cart full of weapons.
“How is it that the Relic Tribes have come south to band with the Northern tribes?” Allen knew from his time in Unitary that the Relic beasts of the deadlands only consorted with the human tribes living amoung them. For the ancient beasts of the north to come south to join in a war with humans was unfathomable. The blood of the earth itself would spill in the battle. Unitary had never made it farther then the borders of the deadlands. There was a magic amongst the creatures and men there that no one south of its territory had even touched amongst the highest of magicians.
Stewart tried to hasten their journey northward into the mountains. “Nattalie will be among them, one way or the other.”
Jax became very concerned. “She’s going to be in the midst of this war.”
Allen finally recognized the words of the chief gnat who brought Jinx to his home as a pup. The large male gnat wore a boney human hand necklace that moved as if alive. It stood in his then untilled land and pointed to lightning in the south when he spoke those 17 years ago. “Your daughter will be blocked from all magic, until the day she reaches our lands and frees all living things from the bondage of man.” Allen had not known what it meant, only that Jinx was to be Nattalies guardian until that day. He should have prepared her. He should not have let himself deny what was going to happen.
Jax floated, enraged. “What the hell is going on Admiral.”
Stewart motioned them forward, not wanting to stop. “Young man, we have to get there or she’ll be in even more danger then she already is.”
Allen hushed his uncle. “The chief gnat has a protection barrier on Nattalie.” He waited for Jax to acknowledge that he already knew there was a static shell. His ability as a seer was not limited to people, and he could see the magic being manipulated around them as well.
“Nattalie was born with relic powers.” Even Stewart gasped. “Her ability to pull energy from around her is so intense that it can suck the life from any living thing….” Allen could feel his heart breaking all over again. Maria had been killed instantly when the child breathed for the first time. Allen was out in the field screaming to the heavens when the chief gnat had showed up to place the barrier on her. “I have been keeping the barrier up for seventeen years, breaking the weak points and rebuilding it with my own magic.”
Jax remembered the static shell. “It’s getting bigger.”
Allen nodded. “The Relic beasts promised they would release her from it when she was able to harness the energy.”
Stewart let out an angry laugh. “How the hell is that going to happen when she’s never been trained?”
Allen pointed to the walking mass of scales and spikes that had appeared on the trail ahead. Its rider slipped off and glided through the air like a ghost to their little caravan. His skin was pale and almost florescent, and his bald head was encircled with tribal tatoos. His large long ears flopped and twitched in the breeze. A long braided beard was all the hair that could be found.
Stewart bowed, Allen kneeled and Jax stood defiantly, glad now that Stewart had stripped the Unitary symbols from off his cloths and hair.
The Relic scout hissed at Jax and pointed at the web in the cart. “Is this meant for Shaman?”
Stewart stood greeting the scout with a clap of his hands and a strange curtsy. “It is the nether web, I have completed it.”
The scout looked pleased. “And these two?”
The bag of herbs in Allens cloak was opened, and he had began loosing the dried up concoction into the air. Relics could sense any magic use, like a gnat could smell food. Remelda had told him to save the sleeping plant for when he most needed to escape.
The scout turned and looked down at Allen with curiosity. “You are Allen! Where is the girl?” The chief gnat had said to never trust the humans of the north, only the beasts. Only the beasts had honor and truth. The scouts ears drooped low and his florescence started to dim. He tried to stumble back to his mount but fell over peacefully. Allen had learned through using his shield how to use tiny trickles of energy. The scout must not have thought anything of the tiny bits of air breezing toward him. Jax’s floating wall must have been enough to explain the odd little breeze. “That trick won’t work again.”
Stewart looked frazzled and more then upset. “What are you doing Admiral?” Stewart had drawn more then a couple small daggers from his coat.
Allen put what was left of the bag of herbs back into his cloak. “Didn’t you hear anything I said?”
Jax had caught on quickly and was ready to flee with Allen. “They don’t want the web for peace old man.” Jax pulled more air too him.
Allen finished the statement and started to build his own flimsy wall of air. “They want to use Nattalie as a weapon, not for peace.”
Stewart did not want to believe his web would be a weapon. “But the web collects the flow of energy…”
Allen nodded. “They want to use it to harness her and suck the life out of Unitary’s army.”
Jax couldn’t steady Allen’s floating wall. “Stewart, I need the small web.” Stewart stuck the daggers back into their hiding places and pulled out the tiny version of the nether web.
Jax had only seen a little of what the web could do and was not prepared for the flow that came bursting through when he took hold with Allen.
Allen could see the air, he had not only gained the ability to share in Jax’s energy flow, but in his ability as a Seer. The net of air that carried Jax like a wall was not simply air, but the gathering of hard thin pieces of static, energy masses that balled and became form, invisible to the normal magician. Allen stared at the multitude of formed spheres that kept Jax wieghtless in the air around him. Like Maria had said. Form and energy, and sky gliders created both. “How do you make those?”
“They just form, I don’t know how, I just want to fly and the air does what it needs to.” Jax tried to create enough to make Allen float too. Allen’s energy ran like a broken faucet. It was much more then Jax had ever pulled. “Theres so much!”
Stewart knew how Jax felt. His energy had been a trickle compared to Allen when they joined in the nether web. Allen didn’t ask for the energy, it naturally flowed through him like water flows downstream.
Allan could see for the first time what he had always felt. The magic did come to him, from all around the streams of energy flowed toward him, mostly from the Earth. He could see Jax’s magic resisting the pull like a downstream current he had to scoop water from.
His great grandfather had been from the northern peaceful tribes and his Uncle and Mother had moved south to escape the relic tribes detection. Allen had never discovered why until now.
Stewart nodded at Allen. “You have some relic magic in you as well. Nothing like Nattalie has, but it’s there.”
Steading himself and still holding the web so that he could see how Jax was doing it, Allen lifted himself from the earth. The streams of energy wanted to flow upward into him but began to fall away. As if to compensate, the air flows around him became stronger and Allen felt Jaxs anticipation of something great.
“Do you know how fast we can go with this much power?” Jax sounded giddy and child like with excitement.
“Don’t let me fall Jax!” Allen felt clumsy and peculiar in the air, but holding the web between them Allen could sense that Jax was ready and quite pleased with his ability.
Stewart kicked at his cart. “What am I supposed to do when he wakes up!” Stewart pointed to the fallen Relic, the glow starting to return to his pale forehead.
Allen thought for a moment. “Pretend we were unitary spys, your smart think of something, AND don’t let them use that nether web on Nattalie!”
Stewart yelled some choice expletives as Allen and Jax prepared to head over the mountains to find Nattalie. The giant raptor waited from a distance to follow.
Steadied and gathered up in the wind and spheres of energy Jax pointed to the currents of air flowing high above them. “With this much magic, we can split open the sky itself.”
Allen had kept himself from thinking of his magic as powerful or useful Nattalies whole life. It had become a curse and death to those he loved. But now, it was as if he had reconnected with a long lost friend. The air did his bidding with the guidance of Jax. “I think we can sky-glider.”
The skinned bird of prey could not hope to follow them when the clap of thunder erupted from around Jax and Allen. Even the ground beneath trembled when Allen pulled from the streams that flowed toward him readily. They bolted up through the stormy mist into the clear of the cold blue sky. Jax held on to the web, but reached over and held onto Allen’s arm as well. “Lets get my daughter.”
Jax smiled overjoyed when the Admiral demonstrated once again his legendary power. They bolted through the atmosphere, jetting toward Nattalie over the mountains.
Allen had received message again through a tinker wasp on their journey to the mountains. The gnats were taking Nattalie to the Relic Beasts camped far north of the impending war on the rim of the deadlands.

Nattalie collided with the dry desert sand as Jinx collapsed beneath her. He had run himself into exhaustion, and couldn’t stand. The trickles of energy were getting stronger, and Natt managed a large sphere of water out of the humid air. Jinx gulped it thankfully but then passed out. His head barely rested on the large wet arms. The storm had grown extremely violent when they had reached its end. Jinx had to weave side to side avoiding the fires that burst up around them from lightening strikes. The elder female gnat stood a great distance away howling for Natt’s attention.
“We will tend to Jinx!” Nattalie tried to walk to the elder, but the gnats backed away the closer she came.
“Whats going on!” Nattalie was sick of being left out. Sick of asking. She wanted this nightmare to end.
The storm had started dissipating and the gnats standing on it’s edge all kneeled. “Go to him!” The elder gnat shook her head toward the dessert.
Nattalie had been so concerned about Jinx she never looked into the long horizon of gleaming sand. A large version of Jinx stood a small distance away. It’s giant soft head was covered in grey, and a large silver mane surrounded his neck. Nattalie noticed he had a collar of bones hanging under the shining metallic fur.
Jinx shifted his head, still deeply asleep and panting softly. Nattalie bent down to his broken form. “Oh Jinx, you promised.” Nattalie unbuckled all the straps from the saddle. She pulled it off with all her strength. Jinx never woke even when his fur was yanked tight from the straps catching underneath him.
Her hand caressed his ears limp against his head. She pulled them up and said, “You are my best friend Jinx, please…” It was all she could say.
It was time to be brave again. The chief gnat stood waiting. He watched the human show his son great respect. he watched the woman pull the saddle away from his sleeping body and walk toward him bravely.
Messages had been coming from his son through the various traveling insects for seventeen years. And for seventeen years he could not send a message back. If Jinx had known the truth, would he have brought the human back home?
Nattalie stood under him. Her tiny frame looking up into his eyes piercing his majestic camoflauge. “What now?” The king of the gnats and of all Relic beasts looked down at her puzzled. “You kill one of your own, Jinx practically kills himself to bring me here.” Nattalie did not waver even though tears had once again escaped and began flowing down her cheeks. “Why!?”
The female litter had come close enough from behind to reach in toward Jinx. The elder jerked her paw away from Jinx as if stung by a massive nettle thorn.
Nattalie watch as the king pointed. “They will die trying to reach him if we don’t get moving.”
His voice was harmonious like the other gnats, but it vibrated deeply.
Nattalie watched over her shoulders as the gnats tested the air around them sniffing at it and reaching for Jinx. When they finally got a small grip, when Natt was far enough away, they dragged him quickly to the grass covered ground. The king of the gnats, the one Allen had thought was a chief of a small clan, tried to answer Nattalies questions as they walked. He didn’t have much time. He had already seen his barrier cracking under the static wieght. The sand was starting to pool into stones of glass on it’s perimeter. He ignored the glass stones as they walked. A path was being layed in the sand merely by her presence.
“Jinx promised he would tell you.” The gnat stared only ahead, and would not look at Nattalie.
“Since I am his father, it is my duty to fullfill his promise.” Nattalie was done with being surprised. She just listened and waited. “When your mother became pregnant, the eldest of the Relic lords recorded a vision on his deathbed.” A colossal structure of mounded dirt started to come into view on the horizon. Jinx had run so far, so fast that the day was only half done in the desert. The sun beat down on them heavy and hot. “You are born to take away war child.”
Nattalie didn’t say anything. It was a nightmare, and she would wake soon.
“Humans can not make war without power.” Nattalie nodded and studied the ground as they walked. Beautiful shimmering pebbles of glass pooled up out of the ground in a path. It seemed to end some ways out, but it kept growing as they walked. The gnat continued, not sure if the human was prepared for her task. “You have the magic to pull all magics away. You can stop the humans from destroying our earth.”
Nattalie stopped. She could see the huge dragon like sentinals that guarded the gates to the city ahead of them. They towered into the hot sun higher then any tree she had seen in the Yellow wood. Their scaley heads could have chomped at the clouds. “Me?” She laughed. She really was dreaming. She was almost joyful, “I can’t use magic!”
The gnat put his great furry head down and stared into her eyes.
“You are the one human.”
Nattalie grabbed a hold of his horns like she used to do to Jinx when they wrestled as a child. “I CAN not USE magic!” She giggled, sounding like a crazy Terry from town.
“Because I put up a barrier from it human.” The beast shook Nattalie’s hands from his horns. If he had shaken any harder, or Nattalie had held him any tighter, she would have lost a hand.
It was then that she noticed the bones on his necklace were hands. Lots of adult human hands. “My father? He knew? Jinx knew?” The pain had broken Nattalies tiny lapse into insanity.
The king bowed his head and beckoned her forward. That’s why Jinx had come to them, and that’s why Jinx… “why did the female gnat die?”
The king growled. “My youngest daughter died to bring you to fullfill your destiny.” He snorted something that sounded like “gnat… filthy humans.”
“Tomalu died because your anti magic is so strong, it sucked the energy, and the life from her body.”
Nattalie tripped and almost fell, she caught herself on her already injured hands. “Oh no… Is Jinx really going to be ok?”
The king looked down at her again, pondering the connection she had made with his son. His son.. Had claimed a human for his own. This weak ignorant thing. “Male gnats are not as bound to their magic to live as the females of Relic clans are.” He waited for her to start walking again. “Jinx’s magic has grown strong against your energy over these years.”
They walked past the dragons of the gate. When Nattalie came close, they scooted away like frightened mice. Their claws as large as she was tall spit up dirt which fell into tiny glass pebbles on the sand. Nattalie watched, throughout the city as creatures she had only seen in fairy tales and fable books would dart away from her presence.
She wanted desperately to grab onto Jinx’s dad and hold his mane as they walked. The king sensed her trepidation and held down his noble head, “It will be safer if you stay close. Hold my mane.”

The ground had turned cold, and the structure in front of them resembled nothing around the city. Its massive gears turned and whirled around a singular black sphere floating in the middle. Two massive stone dragon sculptures held a shiny metal roof over the turning rings. The ground below it had a circular border so that it seemed the metal sphere turned in solid glass.

Renice watched from a distance long enough to see the structure, and the relic beasts flee from the girl. She could also sense another very powerful sky glider approaching quickly, more quickly then any sky-glider was recorded to be able to fly. Renice shot off to the Vice’s army camped marching distance to the west in the mountains. They had the weapon! He would need to march soon or all would be lost.

Allan watched the female sky glider fly off to the army camped a few miles away. From high in the atmosphere, and linked to Jax, Allen could see the silken warrior, the Unitary army- tens of thousands- and the so called peaceful tribes in the mountains getting ready to be slaughtered by them. Jax was the first to point out Nattalie. She was with the king.
“No!” Allen did not need Jax to help him fly now. He released the web and fell like a brick toward Nattalie and the gigantic device. All he could keep telling himself was not yet NOT YET.

The battle had begun, Renice had to dart stealthly around the rebel sky gliders, The Vice General would be near the back of the battle. The ugly glowing relic tribe was fighting without the aid of their beasts. The other tribe was carrying strange weapons, and one caught her in the arm and pulled her down. It’s tip poked through the other end of her arm and spread like a hook. She could do nothing but brace her fall.
Stewart stuck a bloodied sword to her throte. He had lost his daggers when the unitary soldiers jumped the outer rim of the camp not but minutes ago, thirteen had been taken out by his quick strong throws before he narrowly escaped their fields of magic. The glider had flown in from the deadlands, the direction Allen and Jax had gone. The woods were filled the the smoke of fires being lit by Unitary and tribesmen alike. His net had been confiscated and carried away by relic men. They were going to try and seize Nattalie before Unitary new what was happening.
Renice could not gather enough air to force the wrinkled old blacksmith off from her. “Unitary will execute you for this crime!”
Stewart let the blade slip slightly into her beautiful tanned skin. “Do you know why you can fly sky-glider?”
Renice became frightened for the first time in her career. She spit up at the old man’s face.
Stewart laughed and pulled another small nether web from his coat. He pulled string from his boot and tied the girls hands to the web. The wire was dark and shined black even in the darkening night. The storm was starting to move backward and lightning was beginning to crash in the distance. “You will fly for me.”
Stewart grabbed her protesting hands and looped his leg around her waist. He pulled the magic through her and stratteling her body flew to catch up with the nether web.

Allen crashed to the glassy ground the static shield had become enormous, and it’s own girth out birthed that of the ancient anti-magic device that lay in the center of Relic territory. The thousands of magical beings that had inherited the city were fled. Only a few elder male gnats patrolled it’s gates.
The king pounced onto Allens legs holding him where he landed. Nattalie screamed from inside the twisting and turning rings of the device. One black sphere had turned into thousands holding her inside it’s huge circumference.
Allen hollered to her, “Hold on baby!”
The king roared in his face. “You were supposed to train her!”
Allen boiled over with guilt and anger, “She shouldn’t have to do this! It isn’t your choice!”
The king released Allen. Inside the field there was nothing he could do to defend himself against the King of all Relics. Jinx was no where to be seen. “Your son would not have protected her all these years just to watch her die!”
Allen could see all the error in what he had done. Nattalie was inside the Nether wheel afraid, trapped and only cried out for her dad. He should have told her. He should have trained her. He should have loved her enough to trust her with the thing she had to now do.
The rings of the giant sphere turned faster. The gap that allowed entrance and exit from it’s center was almost sealed by the speed.

The king stepped toward its spinning mass. “The magic is not yours human.” The king turned and faced Allen. “The magic belongs to all living things,”
The gust created by the turning whipped his silver fur in a frenzy. A metallic fire glowed about his furry face. “If we must die to save this earth, then it is our duty.”
Before Allen could stop him, the king lept into the wheels exploding into a swirling prism of glass dust.
Nattalies barrier, tied and maintained for seventeen years flew open in an explosive shock that tore the very walls of the ancient city from the ground. Allen surrounded himself in a cocoon of the particles that Jax had shown him how to create. Jax. Allen watched him rocket down from the sky above and through the impossible twisting wheels in to Nattalie. The earth stopped trembling and Jinx came running from the city gates darting to a stop next to Allen. Stewart was not far behind flying through the air carrying the giant nether web.
Much to all of their amazement, He hoped to a stop on the back of a Unitary sky glider.

Nattalie watched them gathering outside, She tried to focus through the cloud of tears, she tried to call out for her father, but all she could feel was emptiness. A great sinking void swallowing her in. Jax fell onto the ground in front of her. His face was pale and weak. She couldn’t move to help him up. The void pulled her to the ground, bound her in its darkness.
Jax had heard enough, and he had seen enough ancient texts about the machine to know what the king was trying to do. Nattalie was the catalyst for the removal of magic. The machine was taught to be a myth. An ancient myth.
Jax could hear Stewart yelling from the other side of the spinning sphere. “You have to tell her to pull the magic!” Jax didn’t know what life would be without magic, but if she died, it wouldn’t matter what life was left in him. He felt himself growing weaker as he approached her. She looked at him from behind the fog of dark magic, her eyes distant and terrified.
“Nattalie, you have to pull the magic.” Jax was not sure what was supposed to happen. Nattalie wasn’t listening to him.
Allen shouted from above the sphere. “Nattalie! I’m sorry! Please, if you don’t fight now, the darkness will kill you!”
Leon and a host of soldiers had approached the gates. He had made a terrible deal with Unitary to save his only grandaughter. He would use the Netherweb and kill the tribes of the north. His first true ally in the rebellion, Stewart had swept down from the sky and flown away with the web to this place. His heart sank when he realized that his small akward family stood around the ancient device. Without the web, Leon was useless to Unitary. If that ancient device was the one he had seen in his studies at Unitary, magic would end. All the energy they used to war, to build fires and kill, it would be rendered nuetral and uncontrollable by humans ever again. Nattalie was the true relic lord, The decendant of the very lord that set the magic loose among mankind, was now in the sphere to reverse the process.
Stewart could see Leon approaching. He grabbed the Netherweb and threw it onto the glass pebbled ground. “Save her!” Leon stared down at it, and back at Vice General who waited for Leon to strike.
They had removed the poison. Stewart put a bare foot onto the web. “Save her Leon, or we could all die.”
Unitary had, and was still trying to destroy everything that mattered to him. Leon stepped out of his boot and onto the web. She was georgeious like her mother. Nattalie was the spitting image of his Maria.
Allen flew down onto the web. “Save my daughter.” Allen started drawing from the web. The flows came massive gushing against the force of the machines field, the flows broke like a tide on shore overflowing into the air, the ground, and into him. Stewart threw a wall in front of the soldiers. With Allens flow of magic his ability was more then even ten Unitary master Magicians could hope to disassemble. It was a tightly woven mesh of air and earth, water and fire.
The Vice General beat against it with his hands and stormed away through the soldiers fists smoldering.

Jax felt himself fading inside the sphere. “Nattalie please… Just… live.”
Nattalie could see him, she could hear him, but the darkness just grew stronger. The void pulled at her and threatened to crush her in it’s wake. Another person would die. How many would die just so that she could live. She could see now why her father had kept the magic from her. It was overwhelming… It made her very breath feel backwards. Jax fell with a thud to the glass floor beneath them.
Nattalie couldn’t let any one else die. She felt for the energy… the smallest trickle… anything.
At first it was like grabbing a spiders thread, she grasped and grasped at a shadow that elluded her.
Nattalie screamed shaking the structure around her. Jax was dieing. “Make my energy yours and heal.”
She pulled at the slippery string of energy, begging for it to grow. “Make my energy yours and heal.”
The void grew stronger, and the structure rumbled and shook.
Allen, Stewart and Leon chipped at the spinning metal around Nattalie. The spinning rings made the energy disperse and splinter when they tried to throw it in.
Leon bellowed, the wheels had started to screech under the pressure. “This isn’t working! We need to break the device!”
Stewart nodded to Allen. Allen pulled. He pooled from everything around him a massive lake of energy beneath the two skilled wizards beside him. The two men pulled from the earth pure beams of static energy. It seeped up through the web and coalesced into a tall cylinder form.
Jinx stood barring their path. “She has to finish Allen!”
Allen felt his body being absorbed into the flows of energy he pulled from below. This is why others had died pulling magic from within. Soon he would be sucked into the tide. Form into energy.
“Jinx! She doesn’t have to do this! She doesn’t have to die!”
Jinx picked up his fathers bone necklace and tossed it over his head. “The magic does not belong to man Allen!” Allen didn’t know how much more he could feed the magic and not be absorbed..
“Jinx! I can do it for her! Let her go!”
Jinx looked in at the dieing man, the woman falling into darkness, and the father ready to be engulfed on the web.
All relic beasts had a pact with the earth. To protect it at any cost. Unitary and man alike was sucking the life out of the planet with their frivolous use of the magic gift they had been given.

Nattalie started to pull at the thread of energy. The void sucked at it, breathing it in hungrily. The pull became bigger, the thread now a flow, It tumbled and spilled into the darkness. Jax stirred beneath her. She screamed to the heavens. “Make my energy yours and HEAL!” It was working. Nattalie felt the light wash in like a tidal wave over the void. Nattalie felt faint. She had to stop the death.
Nattalie pulled more. She pulled even though it flowed freely washing over her. She pulled and could feel her flesh wishing to burst from her bones.
Jax stood. It was working… She was doing it.
Jinx could see the particles of magic being swept from all around into the sphere. It was being drawn into Nattalie. Even from the horizons, waves of energy flowing in.
Before the pool was completely drained back into the earth from which it belonged, Jinx jumped out of the way, “Now!”
Stewart and Leon hefted two massive bolts of energy at the stone dragons holding it’s top, and its base.
The dragons shifted, started to crumble, and then fell in giant chunks onto the spinning prison.
The rings spit the first few chunks out into the Unitary soldiers. The wall had dissolved, being sucked along with the rest of the magic into Nattalie.
The web was useless now. Allen ran to the wheels, they started to falter as the base started to tumble.
He had to save her before she was absorbed by the earth.

When the wheels finally screeched to a halt Nattalie was engulfed by a pillar of energy, reaching into the darkening sky. The storm had caught up to the gates. Lightning struck into the pillar from the edge of the storm. Jax pounded against the glass case melting upward over Nattalies body.
Jinx padded in softly and stood, his whiskers grazing the beam and sizzling off.

Nattalie smiled, the light gathering so brightly. The void had gone. She was euphoric with inside it’s embrace. She could hear Jinx purring from outside her, “You have to give it all back to the earth Nattalie.”
Nattalie could hear him, but she couldn’t understand.
Her father cried from below, “Let go honey! Just let it go free!”
Jinx shook his head sadly at Allen. Leon looked at them both, a necromancer no more. “Fools.” Leon stepped up to the light. His hands burning, he shoved one arm into the beam and onto Nattalies forearm. There was no pain, his arm was being absorbed by the light. He lost his Maria, and he would not let Allen lose his granddaughter. “Nattalie, Your mother would be so proud.” Leon cried as he yelled into the loud humming of the light. “Just let go!” Leon shoved his other hand in onto her arm. “Let go Natt!” Allen watched the old man throw himself into the beam. His image burned into the mass of light. His face and content, his smile like Maria’s. k
Allen threw his cloak off, knowing what he had to do. The herbs. There were still the herbs. Allen ran to the beam and thrust the bag into Nattalies face. The energy swept it away. Allan pulled out his boney arm, his tiny finger bones flopping uselessly. The flesh burnt and healed over onto the elbow.

Jinx watched his elder sister approach from the back. He knew what she was going to do. She looked at his necklace, grinned and bowed before she jumped into the beam.

Nattalie could hear them. An old man telling her to let go. The elder gnat, her voice so beautiful echoing in the flow of light. “It’s time to let go.”

Stewart and Allen stood helplessly. Jinx Howled into the sky mournfully. The storm swirlled about the beam of light. Lightning crashing into it, wind whipping up it’s long shaft.

Nattalie could hear Jinx crying. She could see her father pounding his fists to the ground angrily.
Nattalie could feel her mother brushing her hair away from her face. She whispered into her ear. “Let it go back to the earth baby.”

She let go. She let herself fall onto the glassy ground overgrown beneath her. She fell down into Jax’s capable arms. Soldiers scattered when the energy around them refused to aknowledge their bidding. Stewart stood wielding the large heavy hammer left on the abandoned steps of a clay hut. Jinx stood snearing, his large white teeth glaring under the black gums of his pulled back lips.
A couple soldiers stood for just a minute longer as if to debate the fight, and then scattered into the cooling desert sand.
The last of the ancients, a male gnat tied not to magic but to a human family, left the city barren and filled with the ghosts of magical creatures that could not survive when the magic was freed from their bodies.
Nattalie woke a day before the arrived back home at Rollalong hill. She couldn’t remember anything passed Jinx’s sisters stealing her away from Jax. She laughed when she found out no one could use magic anymore, and to hearing she was the cause, she burst into snorting giggles. “Serves all you right! Isn’t that right Jinx!” Jinx had recovered most of his strength. And rolled Nattalie over like a swatted mouse and playfully nuzzled her into the fall leaves. Jax tried to escape when Jinx reached out and pulled him in to the dog pile but couldn’t.
Nattalie pulled at his dreadlocks, “Now you can’t fly away from me ever again!”
Jax smiled, “I couldn’t fly away from you even if I did have magic.”

The story was told for generations, that the sky had ripped open, and a storm flew across all lands, sucking the magic out of every man woman and child. For generations people left behind stories of magical times and magical beasts that towered over trees, and stalked man like prey.

Allen only cared about his generation. The new one was quite a surprise, and Stewart was more then happy to show Allen how to make a cradle from carved wood and something he called nails.
Unitary crumbled without its magic. Free people fought and won against their now useless abilities to manipulate energy. A simple club made from a fallen branch had taken the Vice General out of the battle back in the mountains that night, and Renice the sky glider was said never to have found her way out of the desert.
Allen’s arm never healed, Uncle Stewart had made him a wooden one with hinges and straps. But he still got to hold his grandchild. It was not long before a rumor surfaced that the Unitary Emporer and a few of the high council had been chased out of a northern territory and were heading for Rollalong hills’ neighboring town. After spending a good few hours with his daughter, his son-in-law, and his new grandson Allen pulled Maria’s favorite sword from over the fireplace. Jinx lay huddled against the hot stone wall, taking up half the room and snoring loudly.
“I have a trip to make to Withering Stones.”
Bandits had grown overly brave on the trails between towns now that magic was useless.
Nattalie smiled, cooing at her baby boy as Jax went to the cupboards for some bread. “Would you bring me back some of that fine blue yarn they are making out there now a days?”
Allen smiled. It wasn’t really a secret, not technically. “I’ll be back soon.”