Reminder

First off, a reminder that Rollalong Hill starts with part 1 of 6   and ends with part 6 of 6.

So for today's note:
   I am having those brief moments throughout the day where I go, "I need this to change to be happy."  Then the idea of how to do that fleets from my mind so fast, I can't grab a hold of it.   It's like that story of the man who sat in complete peace and could see the mysteries of the universe unfold completely, but became unsettled from that peace just long enough to lose the answers forever.
    No matter how he tried, he could never remember or recreate the things he knew only moments ago.
    Nothing near that profound has come to me, but not being able to grasp my answers when they were in my head and still linger like shadows teasing me, is frankly depressing.
   I want change so badly, but just can't grasp how or when to do it.   Granted some recent events have made it clear that things CAN NOT remain unchanged, I still feel the need to make sure I don't screw up how good it's gotten either.   Is it worth the risk to the recently found comfort to jump into a new way of life?  
   Oh, and I am pretty damn sure that having a man/companion was NOT a part of the answers that flitted away so fast.  That too, is just depressing.   Maybe it wouldn't be if I had any luck at finding love,  but all I've ever found is someone happy to use me.  Yup, let me count them up in my head... use... use... use...use... Oh that gay one that I still have a crush on... use ..   Ya, my son is the only one I give permission to use me nowadays.   
   Here's hoping that the shadows don't just disappear into one of those black holes in my brain that keep sucking away my ability to think, remember or speak properly.  
   But here is to God for taking care of this sparrow.  Times are definitely better, and my son is safe.  Is it wrong to bitch about stuff and try and be thankful at the same time?  Is that like winning the lottery and bitching there isn't enough money? 

Another reminder,  Feel free to comment! I obsess over getting comments.  It is the first thing I check for every time I log on.  It's like sitting by the phone lonely waiting for anyone, even a wrong number to call for interaction.