Tuesday, May 31, 2011

this too shall pass

So the blues have passed yet again.  A three day weekend really helped push it along.  Sometimes the depression is like a really persistant bill collector.  It threatens to tear you down, destroy you lively hood, and you hang up but it keeps calling back.   Sometimes if you hang up enough on them it doesn't get rid of them. But then it disappears for a while.   Some bills are harder to pay off then others. But it seems this one is satisfied for now.  
Still working, still taking care of my child, still hating love stories. I'm not destined for it.   All I see is chemical connections firing and rewiring what should be simple lust.   People don't stay in love.  They don't live happily ever after, and I'm not going to find the person who's willing to put up with me forever.  >;P
So onward and upward.  Someday I'll accomplish something really cool.  Don't hold your breath.  I am easily distracted.  And just as selfish as every other human on this planet.

Monday, May 23, 2011

sheepishly sheep


The bad days are getting far and few between.   Some are harder then others for sure.  Days like today I'm asking myself, why did I come back to sanity again?  Besides the stress of trying to be financially responsible, work and all that jazz, the world can now damage me.   I can't remember much about those years, but I know that the world couldn't hurt me without my consent, or at least it seemed like it.  I did the damage and the world couldn't stop me.   It ( the world )  couldn't hurt me more then I hurt myself.  Now all that self destruction haunts me.  Failed relationships, debts, a closet of long sleeve shirts to keep away those who would instantly judge me.
My son definately grounds me, but that isn't his job.  He's not responsible for wether or not I'm a good mom.  More stress.   I know the day will fade away when I wake up for work, and I'll feel better soon.  I was just thinking that there might be others out there that feel the same way, struggle with the same things. Perhaps this is perfectly normal.
I was denied being a placement home for my cousin's baby because of my 'mental health history'.  And she had to throw in 'criminal history'.  A DUI when I was 17-18.   I understand they were trying to good by the little guy, but damn that's a harsh blow.   Couldn't they have denied me based on finances, or lack of space or time?  On paper they made me look like a complete loser.  The world strikes again.

On top of this, parenthood on certain days is extremely harder then I thought it was going to be.  I'm still waiting for the school to call back so my son can be placed in a 'special ed' preschool.  I was really hoping they could give me some answers.   He's an amazing kid, but there are days he is defiant every step of the way.  God bless his strong willed little heart, but I was not expecting so much defiance so early in his life. What am I doing wrong?  How do I fix it?  The world strikes again.

I come home, I try to do right by my son, but I'm exhausted mentally and sometimes physically.  Which isn't too bad, until I have a hard day.   I want to go do something, get away from it for just a little bit, but then the guilt kicks in.   Maybe my son is so defiant because he can sense I'm fustrated.  Maybe I need to just stop being fustrated and tierd for him.  But how?  If I leave to do something, am I damaging him by going to the store by myself?  Or going out for a walk?  Will he think I'm abandoning him if I go away too much? 
So I don't.  I struggle through, because that's what I'm supposed to do.

I just wish there was a way to google it and find the answers I need.   And he's out of bed again.  I got 20 minutes to myself, and now I have to go to sleep so I can go to work and not fall asleep on the forklift.  That's always a bad thing.   Battery is going dead.....  The world strikes again. 
God takes care of his sparrows.  Could I get a lift?     Tomorrow will be better.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

who knows

I got a hold of SSA.  Twice.  The first lady put me on hold for 5 minutes after I lost my temper and said, "how the hell am I supposed to pay it then?"  When she says "your not on benefits anymore we can't set up a payment plan."  The second lady was nicer, but I could still feel her hatred through the tone in her voice.  Maybe it's paranoia, but every time I encounter one of these people I get the distinct feeling they want nothing to do with me and want me gone as soon as possible.   Anyways.  They have informed me I will be on a payment plan for 20$ a month.  Wether or not that actually happens is still to be seen.  If I get the bill in the mail, then hurray.  If I don't, then I'll have to go down to the SSA office and try again.   Like I said, they can do whatever they want, and I just don't trust them to do as they say anymore.  Hopefully the last lady I talked to was being honest and not feeding me bullshit.

It would help if I controlled my emotions. How the hell did the words get into italics?
Something about getting involved in the system (disability, or mental health) just gets me into a panic mode.
Hopefully this is all said and done, I can make my payments and have nothing more to do with it. 
Anyhoo...  I'll have to work on my strong lady story again soon.   I'm figuring the old lady has to die at some point, but I haven't figured out if she's going to be a good guy or a bad guy in the story.  I mean the story is called 'loneliness' after all.
And does anyone know how to get the key search words for the blog to change?  or is that something you can't change?

Sunday, May 15, 2011


I'm thinking I will create a blog were people can leave comments anonymously.  They can just post there innate, intimate, paranoid, freakish or just oridinary thoughts for someone to see.   Sometimes that's all we desire as a human is to think someones listening, and I wouldn't mind having something like that.  Maybe. Just thinking it would be a nice idea.

stupid love stories.

enough said.
Really, that's all I have to say about it.
It's fake, except if your a beautiful person, meeting beautiful people.
But, like I said.  That's all I want to say on the subject.

Friday, May 6, 2011

lonely--part 1

When the fire department failed to determine the identity of the remains found in the Highbrook neighborhood blaze, Nattalie knew that she was finally free.

Her extreme strength had caused tremendous amounts of trouble for her, and on that night, it actually served a purpose.  She stormed through the brick walls, flames burning her flesh and her lungs,  to reach the young boy that was trapped in his room.   She left him in sight of the firemen before she ran choking back through the alleyway to get through her basement door and into safety.  Nattalie knew she couldn't go running to the emergency room without having to explain the burns. Her immediate hope was that this was one of those exceptional times her body decided to heal beyond the human condition.   Most of the burns damaged the skin into numbness, but as fate liked to congeal all her good things into a mass of bad. The largest patches of melted flesh were wrentching with every twitch, every movement, every breath and sigh. 

Luckily her body only suffered long enough for her to nearly die of hunger and thirst.  She had tiny bits of sleep and no ibuprophen left by the second day.  She flopped between trying desperately to sit in her large recliner without moving, and screaming in frustrated pain.   As soon as she could see in her reflection no sign of serious injury,  Nattalie started to pack all of her essential items.  Silently she disappeared. After seeing the report that a mysterious woman had broken through the wall of a house to save an unidentified male child, she knew that there was no way to salvage her situation safely.

If no one knew about her, and her ability to defy physics and gravity itself, she was not threatened.  Her lonely pathetic life was intact.  Sad, but intact.  
In Michigan, there were plenty of places to rent with her meager savings she had stowed away. In Ohio a neighbor had seen her pick up the back of the car to reach the dropped chap stick.  In New York, a man had tried to mug an old beggar, and she had accidently thrown the scum a little too far.   In North Carolina a tree swept into a small flood plain and had to be held at bay while a boat full of rescue workers struggled to cross to a small presipice.  Each time her identity had remained a mystery, and hopefully her stories would never be linked, and no one would ever really try and find out who she was.  Otherwise her passport would be the next step.

The girl who had died in the fire was remembered silently by her family,  and her new home established in a county 120 miles away.  She rented a home close to a cemetary, and started to look for new work. 

Nattalie found the historic house charming and gigantic.  Although it didn't have much of a yard, about 3 feet of grass to be more accurate, the price was right.  Crime in the area kept anyone but the desparate or the insanely stubborn from staying there too long.   She liked that the windows all came with full thick, dark drapes.  She didn't have to worry about moving around the furniture.  She didn't have to worry about too many people seeing her or trying to become friends.  The less other's knew of her, the easier it was to disappear.

Now she had thought of becoming a vigilante,  most times her strength had done a great amount of good for others, but she knew that with technology the way it was, she would be identified sooner or later and her random acts became nationalized.  She just wanted to be a person and constantly wondered how it was the general population lived.
   She managed to get a volunteer shift at the Cemetary doing lawn work in the first week.  She had yet to find a job, and with her recent escape from fame on the other side of the state she had hoped a temp agency would not be necessary.  Temp agencies do identity checks, and although she doubted anyone had filed a missing person's on her, it was not a risk she wanted to take until it was completely necessary.   With only 2000 dollars cash left, it would only take 2 months to run through it.
Her typical grocery bill was that of a size four family.  The only side effect she had from the ferocious strength was an appetite to match.  One cupboard was completely devoted to peanut butter.   Another one was full of ground wheat flour.  Her bread machine had saved her life on many occasions, and although the diet could get nauseating, she found that no matter how dull the bread started to taste, it was affordable and nuroushed her needs.
While browsing Craigs list for odd jobs, a knock came from the front door.  She had thought she picked a neighborhood that would ignore her, but fate did like to mess with her idea's of how things work.  Getting up from her cold wood floors, Nattalie walked up to the small windows at the top of the door to look out.  A sprite old woman peered up at her smiling.   Long tendrils of super curly black locks snuck out from around her ears while it looked she attempted to straighten the rest up into a bun.  Silver specked the mass of it and her bright marroon lips showed traces of a long eventful life.
"Hello young lady! I'm Beatrix, but you call me Auntie Bee!"  She had started greeting Nattalie before the door had begun to open.
   "I'm Nattalie."  She had discovered the shorter she could make these little hello's, the faster neighbors would go away.  She began to say, "I really can't take visitors at the moment."  but Auntie Bee poked her head around the corner and walked straight in.
  "I can never understand how these historical houses get so little love."  Bee pointed to the restored Oak banister and rails, "Oh they fixed them... such a shame they rent this out."
Nattalie wanted to feel offended but was finding it hard to resist human contact after running for so long.
   "And don't worry about the mess with all those secrets, Good Ol' Bee has her own and would never tell anyone about you!"
There was a second Nattalie could hear the glass handle on her front door cracking before she cautiously responed.  "I'm sorry I don't understand Ma'am."
   "Oh don't you even try young lady.  You are not the only one who can do 'special' things."  She smiled and set her wrinkled ashy hand on Nattalie's.    Nattalie couldn't help but release it and flop onto the staircase next to her to sit down.
  "You know what I am?"
  Auntie Bee laughed. "You're a human being!"
Nattalie felt dizzy.   Maybe she was dreaming all this.  "oh..."
"You are also like me.  You have a secret that other human beings do not.  I'm thinking your strength is not only in your body, but in that heart you hide from everyone."
  "How?"  Nattalie felt the one sided conversation would end anytime now and she would realize she had never made it out of the fire.  She would wake up out of a coma in some hospital and be told that it's been years and she had been dreaming for the last 15 years of her life.
   "Well, I can connect people to their intentions by looking at them, and usually the story reveals itself when the person has so much hiding inside them that it bursts into me."   Bee looked around the empty house and nodded. " I have some spare furniture in my garage that the old tenant left behind.  You're welcome to come get it tonight if you'd like."   Bee held up her wobbly arms and pointed to her bicep.  "My strength doesn't lay in these old bones, so you'll have to go through the back yards and carry it yourself."

Nattalie just shook her head and began giggling.  "Auntie Bee huh?"   She smiled her first real smile since she had arrived.  "I always assumed I was alone."
  The old woman headed for the door.  "I need to head home for a bit and take a rest Nattalie,  your story has made me very tierd."  Nattalie had yet to speak of anything then being alone.  "I can tell you'll be over to talk soon, so I'll go take a little nap for us."
  Auntie Bee paused long enough in the doorway to point to the small red brick house on the left.   "That's me, so come on over and knock real loud,  but try not to break my door, it's very old. "
Nattalie wanted to ask when but the phone rang from the bare dining room.  Auntie Bee shouted, "See you later!" as she shut the door behind her.

ok, part one looks good, now I need to find part 2 in this mess of entries.