Seriously child!

I finally got to get on this thing and check all my internet stuff... I was even going to blog for a while.

My child has decided the PS3 is no longer what he wants, and since I'm actually enjoying it, he might as well want it.

He is now laying on the floor, saying "want the puter?"  over and over, and being persistantly cute about it. 
Am I a pushover?  Maybe... Ok yes.  But then again since he isn't going to play the PS3, I might as well let him have the puter.

This is me welding last saturday.  I wanted to get some cool pictures of my dad welding for my son.  He took some of me while I worked too.  He's a super grandpa, and I want my kid to see pictures when he's older and see the same magical man that I do.  I must say I look pretty cool making lightning balls too!  Still waiting to hear about my house.  The offer has been submitted, and now it's just a waiting game.  I spent all my christmas money to put the offer in, so hopefully one way or the other they don't take forever to decide if they accept the offer.  It's either presents under the tree or a new house to put the tree in.   Either way I think I'm happy.  (I really like that house though!)  This is grandpa down below.  Always my superman, thats my dad.

hopes up

I hate getting my hopes up just to have them squaRshed like a crippled spider under the foot of a fat furry squirell with his mouth full of plastic nuts. 

I was already trying to decide where I would put funiture, how I would fix little problems... All the stuff I promised I wouldn't think about until I knew I had an offer accepted on a home.  But the more I look into the fact that the selling agent doesn't know where to send my offer, the more I realize the house may not be up for purchase.  The bank that owns it doesn't even have it listed in thier computers for sale... At least that is what my mom told me she found out. 

I don't wanna be negative about it, because what if I'm wrong?  What if I pull out on the offer, and it is really just a communication error, and the house could have been mine? 

I don't think materialistic things matter much to God.  People praying to win the lotto, praying for the new car or the raise at thier job.  Everything I've read says that money is evil, and to base your world around it will cause you nothing but misery and reward nothing toward the soul.  I'd like to think a home is different because I require a roof for my family, and some kind of structure to live in.  Now a days that requires a house. 

Bah!
God takes care of his sparrows, so I'm just going to try and sleep and not think about it.  Either way I have a good home now, and if I have to wait it may be for the best.  I am thankful for all I have and I shouldn't let myself forget that.  Now if I can just get that squirell to stop picking at the fake acorns on my christmas decorations, maybe that spider could get out of the damn way.

Bard

Watching ghost hunters, love it when dave wigs out over nothing, so far he isn't wigging out... bummer.  
I loved it when they did the whinchester house.  If I get rich, I'm going to build a house like that.  You could have the best holiday parties EVER.  Especially holloween, but all of them would be fun.  Hide and go seek could be the new adult party game in that house.

So if you haven't googled it yet,  here it is.  http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/
 Yes, I am aware that some day I will be the crazy old grandma with the spooky house that smells like cookies and wet dog.   I'm not proud of it, but I've accepted it.  Hopefully I'm the fun kind that everyone loves to visit.

So the crappy day has went away.  And it is almost the weekend!  And soon I'll have a real vacation day to use.  And I'm looking at a house I might make an offer on tomorrow.   Hopefully my weak loan and long time table will pass, but if not, then I'll just keep looking.

I can't stand putting 675 a month in someone elses pocket.  Granted a house has it's expenses and renting doesn't, but when you own it... they can't take it (unless you don't pay).  It is also then private property.  Someone doesn't have a key to my house unless I give it to them.   And it would be mine, something I can pass on to my child, or my grandchild.  Or even some day sell to move into the winchester mansion! 

Well time for bed, kid needs to go upstairs and I think he fell asleep watching thomas the train. 

Bi Polar?

Ok, so I've learned to control my Bipolar quite well but some days it is extremely difficult not to make moose ears with my hands and run laughing away from my house like a wild baboon. 

Well, not that extreme, but it makes the point I think.  I've been overly aggitated lately which is only compounded by the fact that things are going wonderfully.  I know that shouldn't make sense, but this is how it works....

All these things are good:
Big beautiful and healthy son who needs and loves me
Got approved for a home loan
Got hired in at work
Got loving parents that are there for me
Got awsome brothers who love me
Got good friends who want to be a part of my life

And then the little stuff nags... and I feel guilty because I shouldn't be so aggitated.
Have to wait until march to get a house (guilt! I should be happy I got a loan!)
Incompitence, paranoia and damage control are a minute by minute part of the job (Don't complain bitch you have a job! A real job!)
I can't send my kid to grandparents house for the weekend. I support one and the other has a wife who wouldn't approve. (guilt- I should be happy to be a mom and not want a weekend to myself. For Shame!)
Oh and the faternal grandparents have yet to try and contact me in over 2 years. (Kinda glad for it, shame on me.)
I'm always jealous of the private life of my brothers, the ability to make and choose on thier own and the willpower to do what they want.  (Stop wining and do it already, stop being a coward)
One friend is violent toward partner and a lush to boot, and the other is a hoity toity who thinks money determines the wealth of a man.   (they'll probably see this and hate me. I'm sick of waiving my personal beliefs to fit others)
My other long distance friends are living thier lives splendidly and I am sad that I screwed up went crazy and didn't get to join in on the ride. 

So what I do now is wait for all the negative crap to sweep out of my head (it usually does after a while) enjoy the little spurts of 'happy days' and wait for another round of the crappy days to pass. 

Is this how normal people do it?  Am I alone in how this works?  Is it so bad to want a day to yourself without feeling guilty about not spending the time with my child?  How do other people let this stuff go?  Does it just disappear like when you drop a piece of steak by the dog?   Am I a bad person for letting this negative stuff attach to the really great blessings I've been given?

I want it to snow.
I want the winter to wash away the dead
with white fluffy masses of ice
The people singing
the cold creeping
and then remind me
about my nice warm bed

Space

Anonymity is derived from the Greek word ἀνωνυμία, anonymia, meaning "without a name" or "namelessness". In colloquial use, anonymity typically refers to the state of an individuals personal identity, or personally identifiable information, being publicly unknown.

I don't think this is the exact word I'm looking for.   Everybody needs some of it.  The privacy of thought and being, a certain power over ones self to be ... unreplacable.  

That being said, there are people in this world that want to intrude, invade and destroy the anonymity in a person.  It gives them power to tear down any privacy one might have.  Whether it be the nosey grocery lady who wants to know why you are buying old bananas, or the quick witted church lady who wants to discover any uncovered sin so that she may later rub you into hell with it. 

I don't respect these kinds of people.  I don't believe that it is curiosity that leads them to invade another person's being.  Granted there are times when one wishes to share things, One wishes to divulge the desires of their heart to another human being, but when it is being forced out of them through badgering or invasive prods it is then I feel a human crime.  A crime against a fellow human being to try and take away from them what a whole lifetime has given. 

On another anonymous note, I don't respect a person who grotesquely trys to persuade and punish people into believing, thinking, or seeing a world that isn't their own. When we are young we seek this kind of interference....When your older though if someone is pushing that much into your being it can be a form of abusiveness.   Now I'm not talking about going to a class at the college and hearing a lecture on how communism is harmless, or a PETA convention where people express their views on animals.  I'm talking about close personal relationships that threaten to tear down the fiber of who we want, or are supposed to be. 

Eh, maybe I'm being over dramatic but damn it, I want to run out into the snow bearfoot and relish the cold without someone yelling from the sidewalk that I'm being crazy.  I shouldn't care what they think, but they intrude on my space and I find it offensive.  Keep walking stranger, I like really ripe bananas and I'll paint nekkid ladies without it being a sign of sexual orientation.   Mona Lisa should have been nekkid, but I don't think DiVinci had the right prosthetics then.  If I cut my hair short, it's because I don't want it long and if I paint my fingernails black it is because it feels good.   Keep walking stranger because you don't need to know me to stay stuck in your little world.

Worms

Just sitting here watching my kid play Worms.  He really could care less about winning.  He just likes blowing the little guys up regardless of which team they are on.  The stray cat we took in is following me everywhere, even the bathroom.  He's a good cat, so far.  I've never been a cat person but he's friendly and does his
business out side.  Also, soft and fluffy helps. 

Been playing final fantasy 13 for a while now, and the battling never stops!  It is also extremely linear. I have yet to find side quests, and the leveling system restrics you from exceeding beyond what the storyline allows.  I'm sorry but final fantasy should be about getting your characters to Uber levels so you can womp on any boss that looks in your direction, but so far all I've been able to do is hope not to die.  WTF square enix?  I want to make my characters badasses before I get half way through the game but all I'm doing is squeeking through endless, and I mean ENDLESS battles with subpar stats.  Love the story and movies, but dang. I am dissappointed. 

The new Harry Potter movie comes out soon.  I'm excited to see it, but it sucks it has to be in two parts.  Ummmmm...... Can't think of anything else.

  Random thought I'm not supposed to say outloud for the day.
                "Stop F**king wining and just do your job."