Tuesday, December 21, 2010


It's strange sometimes.
the pumkin turns into a carriage, and the poor become wealthy.
I don't know what to type.  My grandma Fern may be dieing tonight, and my mom has made a trip to the hospital, an hour drive in michigan's winter. 

I was never scared of death until my son was born.  There was something at that moment, when I heard officailly that I was pregnant that now tied me forever to this world.  Tied me in a way that scared me.  I no longer even could ponder the thought of leaving it.  I want to see him in his first kidnegarten play, his first prom, his graduation, his wedding, and my grandchildren.  Hopefully in that order.

When I'd never think of death as something life changing before, now I'm frightened.  I don't want to lose loved ones, I don't want to miss out on thier lives, I want to be a part of thier lives.  My wealth is in my son's future, and in all of those who are a part of it. 

I was named after my great grandma, whom I was too little to remember, and my grandma Fern.  She would tell me she thought it was a shame they gave me that middle name, and I would tell her that I loved my middle name.   I think she just liked hearing me say that, cause she'd smile every time she told me.   The people in our family have a way of making it through even the worst health issues, and I'm hoping it'll be the same with my grandma tonight. 

As far apart as we were most of my life, I can still remember the yogurt and the cheese she'd give me.  I remember falling asleep at her house in one of those deep, rejuvenating kinda sleeps.  I remember always looking for that strange puppet she kept in the toys when we'd visit, and have it in my hopebox now, hair worn off and still the ugliest toy made for kids in history.  I remember wonderful times spent with my cousins,  in her company, looking through the books and playing with the toys.
I remember getting my first romance novel from her despite my mom's objections, and reading it for 8 hours straight (Wolf Song).  There are tiny things in life that make you who you are, bad or good, they influence your life forever.   Here's to my Grandma Fern, and the warm times spent with her, and my Aunts, Uncles and cousins at her house.  And here's to the wonderful daughter she produced in my mom, who's strength I've admired and covetted my entire life. 

I love my middle name.

Nellie Fern Tobey.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Yea Tron!

Taking myself to the movies for my birthday.  Going to see Tron.  I remember thinking the original was so amazing, so I'm excited to see what they did with it now.  Especially with what we know now about technology. 

Still waiting for the next Airbender movie, and a new star trek, but it looks like they are gonna punk out on the airbender one.  I hate it when they make movies that are supposed to be continued, then don't make the sequals!

Life is good, got up before my alarm this morning.  Mainly because my  bladder seems to be on a timer lately.  Eh, time to head to work.  Three weekends off in a row!  Swwweeet.  Happy Friday everyone!

Monday, December 13, 2010

soul mates

I don't think I have a special someone out there.  I would like to think I am a tolerant person, but I've learned that I don't want to comprimise.  I was married for a year to a man, father of my son, until I realized that my son was more important to me then any man.  I could not be ok with taking care of a man and taking away from my son to do so.  I couldn't let my son be raised by someone who thought violence was fun, and being in prison was a badge of honor.   I've met some fellas along the way, but I always found myself comprimising.  
 "this one has a job, he takes care of himself, so the other stuff is ok."
  "this one is affectionate and cuddly and loves kids... so being a pathological liar can be overlooked."
  "this one ....  ectera... ectera..."

I don't want that.  I want a guy who works, can totally take care of himself, and would be willing to fully contribute to my household, but still let me run my family.    I want a guy who showers me and my son with love, and loves doing it.   I want a guy who tolerates my anti-social behaviors and doesn't force me into social gatherings.  I want a guy who loves sitting and just watching movies quietly, and a guy who is mechanically inclined (yea, dad is right about that one).   

I want someone who will not hate my unique family members, and is good about being nice to them.   I want someone who has as much distaste for gossip as I do.   The rest of stuff, like intelligence and personality I think will fit in with the other stuff and I'm not picky.  

But alas, if he's out there, I'll never meet him.  I don't go out, and if he does hate movie talkers like I do the one thing I do like to go do.... Well we wouldn't be talking at the theatre so.    Oh and drinking.  A few drinks now and again, but I hate hopping bars, even going for that matter, so no partier. 

I don't have many things that would disqualify a guy, or friends for that matter, but I do have three main ones that pretty much remove people from my life.

#1   hurting children.  (I don't care, forgiveness is not mine to give, thier out)
#2  Being abusive.  (emotionally or physically,  I can't change people so until they've changed themselves, get get)
#3  Being hateful or dishonest (prejudice against anyone is still prejudice, being hateful against someone is even more terrible.  I married a pathological liar, and NEVER again.)

I'm sure I have more, but they aren't deal breakers.  

I just don't think long term relationships are meant for me.  I've got my son, I've got my family, and other people come and go. 

Ok, so I don't know what my point is.  I just get sick of the fairy tale movies where everyone is perfect, or one person is so perfect that the other one can be completely messed up and it works out anyways.  It's just not real, those people don't exist, well not that I've met.  And I'm sure as hell going to try and train my son to be one of those galant men from the movies.   Speaking of,  He's stolen my cheat sheet for Sims 2 again.  I need to get him in bed.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


 It's time to go cuddle with my kid.  I was debating writing something, but have decided that there are more important things to do, like wrestle with Richard.  

I'm pretty sure I'll be doing a continuation of the story I wrote about the strong girl who ran into the house fire.   My dad mentioned that I should have left the story open for her to have survived and go into hiding with her super strength.   I like the character a lot, since my strength is always underestimated and they do like to think of me as wonder woman at work. 

Well time to go make a baby barrito and roll that kid up in some covers.  Nothing in life is more important than these fun things. 

Oh, and my Aunt Janet, who is currently trying to survive at the ICU is an amazing woman who has such an amazing heart and potential.

Drugs have made so many things wrong in her life, and the life of those around her.  If someone could pluck the drugs from her, and leave her whole, the world would be privledged with a spectacular woman with a heart of gold.   I hate drugs.  Everything about them, the damage they do and the people they destroy.  I want her to get better, and I want her to never touch drugs again...  I just want my Aunt Janet to survive.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


Watching my kid play Wii, wondering what it is that makes people tick.  I'm wondering why it always seems like christmas always comes slow, and then disappears so fast.  Trying not to discuss my issue's with friends at the moment since I don't even really understand.   It's crazyness as far as I am concerned, and I know crazy.  Been there, done that.    
   It's like wanting to put the fire out, but someone throws gas onto it every time it starts to die down.  Eh, that's the best I can explain it.   Still trying to figure out how blogging works.  I love the stuff other people write, but I'm really not that interesting.  I could tell stories about being in the nuthouse, but it seems like that would be like an alcoholic reliving drunken escapades.  Is that really something people want to read about?
I could talk about my life, but that just seems like self gratification.  
    I guess as boring as I am, I like it that way.  I think I'll stick to short stories, or fictional stuff.   Oh and things you're not supposed to say, that's a nice outlet and I'm totally ok with exploiting the blog for it.

"Cruelty is a choice, not an opinion."
"If I see the man steal a car, it isn't judgemental to say he's a thief, it's a truth."
"Slow down, we aren't your slaves and it isn't your job to work us so hard someone could get hurt."
"That is just good old fashioned Stupid."

Anyways, maybe I'll do a story later when I'm not so mad.