Friday, January 31, 2014

dream job

They have this commercial, and the girl in the commercial says that her dad once told her:
 "If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life."
Well it wouldn't take much for me.  Let me create.  That's all I ask.
Making money for fat cat's isn't my cup of tea, unless they're letting me make my ideas.  Then they can get as fat as they want.
My jobs have all been working for some big wig's profit.   At one fast food job I even knew the owners, although in a impersonal 'hi, how are ya!' kinda way.  They were cool people,  nice to employee's as long as the employee's were being nice to them.  The owner was actually a graduate in biology.  I asked his wife why he didn't stay in biology, and I think she told me; "it was a lot of work, and not much money."
I have a job now that has bumped me into the middle class.  It's nice having money for things.  Never having to worry if I can pick up that gallon of milk, or buying gas for my car.  I can get my kid cloths from a store, instead of goodwill.  Although I still LOVE goodwill.
   The goodwill up here has really nice stuff! I don't think I'll ever be able to pay 60$ for a piece of clothing.  It seems so wasteful.   Maybe for my son, or for someone else.....
   But anyways,  even making more money.... I don't think the trade is worth it.  When I made less, I was home more.  Yeah I stressed over money more, but I got to be here.
  Home is my grounding zone, my recharge station, and when I'm away too much I start disintegrating little by little.   So even if I did have my dream job, unless it recharged me, and grounded me, I would be just as drained and disappointed.
  So my new thing has been to tell my son, "I want you to grow up and get a job you love.  Even if it means making no money, or moving far away, or anything like that, I want you to have something you can get joy from."    Cause really, here in America we spend most our lives in 'jobs' just to spend our last few years (if we're lucky)  getting to do fun stuff with our money. 
  First world problems, as my brother would say.  Really, we complain, but it's better then braking our backs in sweat shops, or labor farms, or dangerous factorys, just to die young with nothing.
  Our problems, aren't real 'problems' compared to some other places in this world.

So,  it feels bad to complain about making more money.  About not being happy with the step up in life.  But in some ways, making more money isn't better.  Once I go back on 12 hour shifts, once again I will end up turning into a heartless bitch, and as hard as I try I won't be able to give the love and time to my family and (my best friend, my lover, my boyfriend), which just doesn't seem like a good trade off for the money.
  Yes, the hours will go back down, my loved ones will understand and forgive me, but it still feels like I'm giving up a piece of myself, a piece of them, for a paycheck.   Is it worth it?
  Time to explore other things.  Even if I can't find a way to do it, I have to try.  Otherwise, the first world problems win. 
  Hey, at least I'll still be a leg up in the zombie apocalypse.  All these sane money grubbers won't be able to deal.   Mwaaaa ha ha.   Double Tap!!!
  gotta run. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014


As I listen to my 6 year old son getting mad at World of Warcraft because Horde won the batte grounds, I must acknowlege that his world is completely different then the one I grew up in.
Kinda missing the days when I could believe in fairy tales, or that anything was possible.  The stuff computers do now, and the games available to my son, would have been complete magic in my day.
Wanting to be part of the magic. 

Ordered some programming/math books on amazon.  Gonna see how much I can stuff into my head in the off time. 

I really did enjoy it last time I tried, and was thrilled every time I wrote something that actually worked.  It's a good feeling.   Of course it was completely fustrating when it wouldn't work, but that was always because I'm ignorant in the field,  a toddler trying not to stick the shiny shiny object in my mouth or tumble cause my feet don't do what they're supposed to.

Anyhoo.  Gotta get the rug rat alliance rogue into bed.   He doesn't care about the honor points, or the gold, or the experience.  He just thinks it's hillarious when the ogre falls over.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Flight of Stone

By Nellie Tobey

Magori stared hard at the pebble laying inches from her face.  An ordinary pebble, with a streak of white granite running croockedly through it.
Her best friend Yosa ran past her disturbing it's restful slumber.
"Stop staring at that thing, get out of the dirt!  Someone is going to see you!"

Magori tried to ignore her.  That pebble would move.  Thoughts had power. They had force and direction, and like a flying dream that ends too quickly when your feet have touched the gravitous ground,  all she had to do was unlock the secret to fly again.

"Seriously!  It's bad enough that I have to be assistant to this behavior, if anyone finds out how crazy you are, we'll both be locked up!"

Magori sighed.  The pebble had not moved.  She would do it, when someone could see it happen, and then they would believer her.

Yosa was busy looking for anyone that might see her best friend laying face down in the dirt talking to a pebble.  "What Magori?"

"You do believe me right?"
Yosa grabbed Magori by the hand and lifted her up with a large UGGGG.
"That isn't the problem Magori."  Yosa dusted off Magori's now beautifully dusted curly locks of ebony and put her large hand on Magori's small cold cheek. "The problem is how desparately you want to believe it."

Magori grinned.  When she smiled the raised freckles that were common in her part of the world shimmered.  Unlike the others whose freckles were barely noticable, or partially light in the bridge of the nose,  Magori's looked like her creation had involved a paintbrush filled with the colors of fire, and had accidently been spattered wonderously across her face.     "You'll believe me when I do it at the trials!"

Yosa grinned evilly,  "and when you do, I will fly into the heavens and shout about my goddess and my love for her."

Magori lost her smile. "We'll never be able to do that."
Yosa shrugged.  "One day you will move that pebble, and one day our love for each other, and our families will not be forbidden."

The landscape before them rolled with wheat and weeds.  Purple, yellow, and white danced in the wind as the long green stems tried to stand stubbornly against it.  Magori imagined the wind laughing at the tall grass.   Soon they would be back at camp, and forbidden to smile, or laugh, or cry, or have any kind of reaction to the world around them.  At least the wind could laugh.

Yosa was of age, and at next moon's trials, she would be given to her genetic match.  Her tests had come back of the highest grade.  Only one level more and Yosa would have been the one to chose, instead of being chosen. Woman did not get to chose, they never tested high enough, but those as young as Magori did not know it.
   Magori wanted to well up in tears thinking about how close Yosa had come to choice, and not being thrust upon a strangers land, maybe, probably quite far from herself.  A dreadful idea she must banish before they met upon the Listeners.

Magori grabbed Yosa's hand one more time and squeezed until she her fingers cramped.  She could never harm Yosa, for she was the strongest, tallest, and most beautiful creature among the woman.  Yosa gave a gentle squeeze back, and without looking back at each other they both walked calmly, unemotionally to thier family tents.

Magori was sure, if only she could prove she could move that pebble at trial, she could chose Yosa, and they could run far away from the Listeners and thier forsaken camp.   If anyone could prove such power, they would be deamed god, and make any or as many choices as they wished.  But of course, no one had ever been to trial, and moved the tiny blue testing stone that sat in the center of the magistrates table. No male had moved it, and no female had dared enter the trial.

Magori thought the magistrate was less scary then the listeners and their Stiff brown tunics, laced with shiny white pearls, but none the less, he was the one person in camp that could condemn, judge, and sentence any person at will.   Magori had always seen him as a wise old grump, and not a fearful demon.   She had not seen the years when his iron spilled blood and stripped all love, sadness, war, and anger from the face of her people.

It was customary to tell the story of the Magistrate's victory, night before trials, and no matter how she tried to sit still and listen, it had never caught her interest.  He was a silver haired, wrinkled up raisin who barely moved to dismiss the trial entrants, let alone one of his people.

Yosa was her only concern, and she had to get that stone to move.
Magori's younger brother greeted her at the door.
"Good day sister."
"Good day brother."
and once the flap had closed on the humble little home, they ran smiling to the bedroom to begin her efforts a new.   

She would save Yosa,  she would free her family, and she would laugh, cry and triumph openly amongst all who stared at her firey face - as a goddess.

A game for children sat ready for her and her brother.  A trainer of sorts for trials.  Every family recieved one game per child.   It had a headband, and wires that connected to a platform that resembled the magistrate's table down to the strange carved letters about it's surface.   The game, her father had told her, merely reacted to her electromagnetic field,  her brains impulses, the heat and the motion of her eyes.   Air was quietly anonymously pushed through it's surface to push a floating foam pebble about the table.

Her older brother had said that it was a trick to keep children believing there was hope, and nothing more.It made her sad that he had not moved the pebble.  When he walked away from the table the night of his trials, in the arms of the Magistrates choice for him, whose land was across miles of mountains,  he was lost.
Magori was sure she was on the edge of discovering how to move the pebble.  She had even figured out how to move the foam pebble in the game with her eyes closed.

Her little brother wanted to believe she could do it,  was mezmerized by the idea.   But being a little brother also wanted to do it before she could, and that meant distracting her from playing when he became bored, or wanted his turn.

Magori smiled at him, flipped the on switch, and closed her eyes.
Torin, who had never failed to gasp when the ball launched to the top of the tent, started to ramble.  "What if you could make it move beyond the game table?"
Magori squinched her face up, riling her face into a pot of hot embers.
"That is the idea Torin!"

She shot it up as high as she could again.
Torin gasped.  "It almost fell off!"
This time she calmed,  the ball floated softly down to the near surface of the game table.  Force and direction.  Like Yosa's hands,  like yosa's laugh.  Like the love of her father, and mother and brother.  The things forbidden by the magistrate, hunted by the listeners....   These things were not seen, but made of force and direction... They changed and shaped the world around her.... Force and direction....
Everything was silent... Even Torin.
Magori opened her eyes  the ball had moved, off the game table,  and was now resting in mid air in front of her chest.   

Torin's breath had been held the entire time,  Magori stared at it for just a moment and what she had captured in her mind, was lost.  It fell and with it Torin let out a whimpering tiny squeel as he inhaled.

Magori scooted over to his side holding his shoulders as tightly as she could, glaring into his eyes.  "You can't tell anyone!"  She hissed like the Demons of the dark southern caves.  "I haven't got it right yet, and I have to be able to do it at trials....  Please Torin, you can not tell anyone!"

Torin was pale,  grey and ashy,  his eyes wide and twinkling.  He nodded and gasped again.  "You have to tell me how!"

Magori let go, and hugged him close.  "When I know, you will little brother, and we will all be free."

Torin and Magori saved hugs for only emergencies.  In their home the magistrates rules stopped at the door, but their parents were firm about trying to keep themselves secret even inside in case a listener was near. 

Magori even kept the game a secret from Yosa.  She wanted to share it with her so badly it burned in her stomach when she had to stop herself from exploding the truth.    Unless she could make it to that trial table and move that stone, all she would be doing is hurting the ones she was trying to save.

The next night as Torin watch Magori try and elevate the ball above her hand, he rubbed his tufty head and with a huge leap of breath exclaimed, "Maybe it was a mistake.  maybe the game freaked out and it happened by accident.... maybe our family is the only one's who really do feel in this place, and were doomed to be sent to the outlands to die..."

It was a lot for him to say, and he seemed lighter by unburdening himself to his sister.  Magori took the headband off,  she handed the fake pebble to Torin and closed her eyes.

Force and direction.....  Magori reached down and turned the power switch to the game table off...  Force and direction,  in dreams they could all sit around the fires and laugh loudly... she could touch her mother's arms in compassion and pride... Her mother and father could hug their children without fear of punishment.  Her Yosa would be free...   Force and direction.

Torin whispered... rasping..."Look Magori!"
Magori opened her eyes.   She was doing it.   It was floating above his hands.  It wobbled some and Magori pressed herself to concentrate.
Torin put his hands down on his knees, unable to look away.
Magori looked at the foam pebble,  relief, calm and peace sweeping through her.
"Force and direction.  Energy and substance.... Everything Torin, everything has it.  Even the most inanimate thing.  The rock standing still is moving as this planet spins, the tinest part of you, and the tinest part of me.  And my family will be free."

Torin watched for a long night as Magori released and raised the pebble.  They graduated to a larger real stone before they both lost the abitlity to remain awake and fell into dreams that the world was about to drastically crumble around them.

They awoke to screams from their mother.  Moanful, terrified screams.   The day was half over and scampering and fighting was happening in the next room.
"You are under the rule of the Magistrate and no one is allowed to fall victim to their own or other's feelings without magistrate permission or blessing."
    Magori's mother had tears streaming from the depths of her swollen eyes.  "You can  not take him!"
The listeners pearls jingled as they turned.   Magori and Torin realized that their father had been tied, and was being dragged on the ground out of the tent.   Magori ran to grab his hands, but her mother scooped her up in a violent embrace.  The listeners had begun to step out of the room when the very sand on the floor began to elevate in a strange vibration of strands...  the dishes on the tables clanked and wobbled.   Magori's mother only squeezed the harder.  Torin grabbed his father's hand before his calm beaten face was dragged out under the silken flaps.  Torin could not hold on and like a horrible tumbling of death his father's hands and his face were wisked away and gone.
       Magori could not hear her mother hushing her and could not feel her stroking her hair.   She pleaded as the room started to fill with the dust of the earth beneath thier feet.   "Magori, stop honey.  He will be free.  Stop. You musen't let them know... You have to let go."
  She did, and the electric stir that filled the tent dropped like a stone in the rabid waters of the sea in a storm.   Gone.

  For the next two weeks the family was allowed to bring water and bread to their father at the public jail.  Cages set around the table of the Magistrate to hold those who openly defied him.   Twelve cages sat  in a cresent with the Magistrates large gilded chair of stone at the head of the void between ends.

Trials came quickly, and with her mother and brother as lookouts, Magori practiced everyday, until her body was weak and her brain fizzled like a dying lightbulb.  She avoided Yosa.  She knew she would lose control if she looked upon her face.  She had to keep it secret until trials,  and as her mother said, if she did it for everyone to see, the Magistrate could not take it away.

At trial,  Yosa was given to a man of a tribe from far away, his skin pale and speckled with orange thorns and painted hands of a warrior.  An offering to the magistrate of an entire herd of cattle sat at the gates of the camp in price for her glorious consumption. 

Magori glanced at Yosa,  and she could tell Yosa felt abondoned and betrayed by her best friend as the Magistrate handed her long leather leash that strapped around her wrist to the magnificantly horrid man.     Magori waited for trials.  Dared not look at Yosa lest her mind trip and fall when she needed most for it to not waver.

The trials began with the standard line of young men seeking to chose their bride by moving the stone.   Some made noises or hummed.  Some made painful looking faces as they grunted and groaned.  The stone did not move.

Then the girls were allowed.   None stood.  None came forward.  Never had a female actually attempted the trials for fear of retribution.   Standing at his cage, Magori looked into her fathers deep eyes.  A black upon black pool to which the stars of the sky gravitated and fell silent.   He smiled.   He publicly smiled at her.  "I am so proud.  i love you."

The magistrate and listeners had not seen, nor had they heard.

She let go of his hand.  She patted Torin on the shoulder and stepped up to the table just as the court announcer was about to bid the trials complete.

"I wish to enter the trial."   The announcer looked annoyed at her interruption.  She spoke louder,  and felt braver with every step up she took to look the monster of a grumpy old man in the eyes.  "I Magori of TwoRivers, wish to enter the trial!"
The magistrate silenced a crowd who's silence was already defying the air it was caught in.

Without a word -  he had never spoken in all her life -  he motioned to the bright shining pebble in the center of the table.

Magori paniced, looking for Yosa in the crowd.    Where had she gone?  Finding her in the crowd gathering faster then ants on the sugar pile,  Magori could see Yosa was on the verge of breaking all her ability to hold an emotionless pose,  Magori closed her eyes.

Focus and direction.  Energy and substance.  We will be free.....  I will love.  My family will love.   Then in a faint voice she opened her eyes, staring into the face of the bearded devil that had plagued them for so long,  she said, "We will hate."

The pebble shot off the table.  People could not contain themselves and began to scramble about looking to escape whatever madness was occuring, more stones came to the table.  More pebbles.  The table itself began to wobble.

The magistrate never looked away from her eyes.
He smiled.  He stood.   He pushed back his chair and waved his hands.  All but the blue pebble ceased and fell.

He announced,  a voice booming and vicious.  "I have found my goddess at last."   He removed a red stone from his pocket and it proceeded to float into the path of the blue.

Magori choking in desperation and confusion. "I chose!  I passed the trial and I chose!"

The magistrate chuckled.  "You can only chose another God my dear, and that is me."

Magori doubled her efforts to raise the stones again.  Force and direction.  Everything is moving, everything has something that makes it exist, even a void.   Yosa wiped great sobbing tears from her face.  She shouted,  "I love you Magori my goddess!"

Torin yelled "I love you Magori my sister!"
Her mother and father,  "We love you our daughter!"

The magistrate strained.  Magori was winning in this strange battle.  The stones rose ,  the sand began to swirl under her.

"No one can destroy what I've built."   His eyes wide and nostrils flaring.  "No one!"
He threw himself across the table, seething in rage.  While Magori stood witness to all the town, calm and in control.
       Magori smiled. "I can."
His face was furious, but he could not reach her.
The table beneath him shook, a terrible noise coming from it, one that should never come from wood or metal or steel.  The ground started to sink,   and stones larger and larger began to gather and fall, pinning the old man to the table.
        The table sank.  crushing itself as the dirt swallowed it.  Yosa's husband to be had fled,  The ground stopped shaking, the world stopped moving, and she rushed into Magori's arms.
Magori never felt equal to her lovely Yosa, but now she stared into her eyes, and saw the same love eminating from her that she had desperately wanted to share all along.

   "I chose you Yosa.  And you will chose whoever you want to."

Magori turned to the crowd of pups staring and waiting for instruction.  "You will all chose!  You will chose to feel, or to not feel,  You will chose to hug your children, or to ignore them.   It is now up to you!"

Some scrambled to the ones they loved,  some spat at the ground to the ones who had "chosen''  them and walked away.   Some just stood.  For long hours, not knowing what had happened.  The world had crumbled away.

A child had discovered how to fly within the dream.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

My ex-fiance used to tell me, "I love you so much, I'd suck the buggers out of your nose!"  
I never knew what he meant until I had my son.  Cause I literally had to suck buggers out of his nose when he was a baby, and it was a monumental task on my part.  Gagging and twitching as I had to get that squigggy thingy in there and suck.... Just thinking about it gives me the creeps. 

Well,  now  seeing as he's an ex,  and current relationships are going to pot, I've realized the only people you can really love that much are your children.   People who don't have kids will argue, and be like, 'No! I love my partner that much!'
But really, they don't know.  Without having a child, there is no point of reference, although I've heard that significant others can be just like having a child.  They are adults, and in the end, you are not ultimately responsible for who they turn out to be, how the grow, how they become the person they become.   They already are.

So I'm starting to waver onto the side of science.  Love is a chemical reaction.  The brains way of keeping the species motivated to keep going.  But as any kid with half-way decent parents can tell you,  parent's never loose that love.   It may go through a change when the child gets to be an adult.  Which I believe is mainly a change because the kid is now responsible for themselves, and the love changes, but is just as strong. 

So in that aspect, there is no reason for the chemical reaction to stick around,  but for nature perpetuation down the generation.  Cause if the kids don't procreate, then the purpose of having your genes continue through children kind of stops at them.  
So yeah, even if my kid grows up to be a jerk, which I'm hoping I'm doing everything I can to keep that from happening,  I will still jump in front of a rabid bear to protect him.  Or... suck buggers out of his nose.... as long as his own hands don't work. 

We love partners for the purpose of keeping ourselves, and the species going.  Cause let's face it, if we are alone, our genetic purpose is still defeated.  

Now there's adoption and all that, so I don't think it's entirely about nature.  Having another life in our hands to mold, and care for.  Having someone else that totally depends on us for growth, survival, and to make them a place in this fugged up crazy world is- in my opinion-  just the same as if they carried the same DNA.   If I adopted a child,  it would be the same love.  Which is the reason I say that when it comes to our kids, it's not all scientific genetic nature blah blah blah. 

But the other people?  The "OH I LOVE HIM! CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM!" crap? 
Yeah, just another way our brains make us do things that make no sense. 
The little teenager inside us begging to get out and fall madly in love for no good reason.   That's chemical.  Back in the day people stayed married because that is what they thought they had to do, felt it was how things were supposed to be. 

My grandma should have never had to put up with some of the crap she put up with, and now that she is gone and we've all started to see what she was dealing with....  Yet another reason for me to say... chemical. 

And for all those non-christian folks, you'll have to forgive me for my bible talk.  I've thought many times to myself...  Could I give my son to the world to die?  Could I let him suffer and pay for other peoples sins?   Well,  I certainly would try and stop it, but if he made the choice to do it.  I wouldn't stop him.  I would try and make it as painless and easy on him as I could.  But honestly, I don't know that I could,  which makes me respect the father, and his son for the love they had between them, and the love they had for us.  "They" plural, not because of trinity, but because Jesus was his own person, a human being, the son of god, our brother, and that is why his sacrifice, his being here means as much as it did.  

Any hoo.    I don't think it's possible to have someone to love in my life that can not see how my son is more important then a chemical reaction.  I don't know if this current relationship falls,  if I will be able to do it again for a very long time.  I wouldn't want to do it to my son again.   It's bad enough trying to figure out how to explain him not having a dad around,  without having someone getting attached and then leaving. 

So there's my speel.  There's my rant for the day.   Relationships suck.  Pain in the ass.  And I am completely lost on how it's supposed to work.