BPD

I've started to write a post about BPD a couple of times, but I just couldn't get the words to say what I wanted them too.

A stranger today gave me 4 tires he had at his house, simply because he overheard I couldn't buy one at the tire shop. It really made me feel like maybe mankind hasn't totally corrupted itself. So here's my attempt at giving something back, all-be-it an egotistical go at it.

For normal people, seeing a person with suicide like scars, is a scary and confusing thing. They are human, and I've found that the people that ask about the scars, are not being cruel, but curious, and honest about it. It has been over three years since I have injured, and I have no desire to do it ever again.

People like to ask, "why did you do it?" or "why?" and it's always hard to come up with an answer. For those that have never experienced addiction or mental breakdown, it can be really hard to understand. Here's how I'd like to explain it, I think it's an individual experience, but I'd think this is a common link.

Imagine if you will questioning on a daily basis your very existence, your right to breath, your ability to affect the world around you, or even the ownership of your own body.
Now imagine that in the midst of all that emotional chaos, and questioning, something falls and cuts open your finger, there is pain, there is blood, and now something else is in place of that turmoil. Like being pinched in a dream, or pinching yourself to make sure your not dreaming, control can be placed in your hands simply by causing an injury, pinch, cut or burn, whatever.

If it was the only way to relieve what was going on inside, would you do it? If nothing in the world seemed real or controllable but the contents of your skin, would you? How about when there is a charlie-horse, or a cramped toe, do you pull and poke and prod it to make it go away?

I guess the other thing I'm trying to convey is that it can, and will go away if you find a way to no longer need it. And for those who think this disorder is some way of getting attention....

If your dearest loved one was killing themselves slowly with poison, would you get them help, or ignore it because you don't understand it? Would you tell them to stop screaming for attention, or would you get them the help they desperately need?

Eh, I can't think of anything else to say on that subject at the moment. But I'm sure there is lots to say.

It gets better with work, It is an illness that needs to be treated, and human's are humans:Beautifully flawed, and blissfully ignorant

I wonder if I'll ever see the world again , the way my son see's it. I mean, I know it is quite impossible, knowledge corrupts the world around you from the day you find out the color of the grass is just from a chemical called chlorophyll. I guess that's why it would be so nice to explore new places, new lands, or continents. To get that feeling once more that the planet still has mystery to see, and to simply point at and say "pretty".

RED MAN

I already know the answer to this, but I'm just curious what others would say.

How is it in any way a christian tradition to set a mythical, magical fat man in a red suit at the head of the table for children to worship, on the day of Christ's birth?

I don't think I can understand how people can think that this magical being that they trick their kids with is in any way o.k. with God.

I've met so many atheists or half-believers, and do you know what they all had in common? The man in the red suit. Their parents presented them with this almighty magical being, made them believe it, even pretended to believe it themselves, and then, it was all a lie. Those same parents try to tell those same children God is real, with even less proof then they gave them that Santa was real.....

How is it possible that we have generations of atheists and brats with entitlement issues?.... It's all Santa Clause's fault.

FEED

I'll have to write it later, I don't have enough time.

Invisible alien pops into 'john smith's' life, tells john the aliens are going to come collect thier harvest soon.

John and alien talk about it, Aliens are really growing us for food here, and our genetic code isn't ripe until it's been thouroughly diversified. Most conusuers want the brain, and there has to be a certain amount of intelligence otherwise the brains can be sour or poisonous.

Alien wants to help John, make him a pet, and his whole litter if need be so that he doesn't get harvested.

hidden reason Alien wants to help John is because he's like the Alien version of PETA, and Animal Rights Activist.

Alien shows him his home, where Johns room will be, tells him how well he'll live, John wants to tell everyone and save them, but alien goes Invisible any time someone looks, Alien decides he's gonna have to kidnap a human for plan to work.

Blah blah blah, plot plot plot.,

Alien see's how we treat our animal species, see's how the two sides fight, See's a list of how many species we've wiped out, War and love, all that crap. He leaves with a puppy instead, and tells his animal rights group that the humans didn't want help.

Richard Tobey

The Book of Ascension

This book was hidden in the four Gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
for God knew that early church would be tricked out of the most important book of all. The book of the forty days that Christ walked and taught the power that was made available after the resurrection.

For if the prince of this world had known, He would not have crucified the Lord of Glory.

Referring to the power that would be given to the people that believed on and in his name Jesus the Christ.

John 16:25 These things have I spoken onto you in proverbs:
But the time cometh, when I shall no more speak unto you in proverbs,
But I shall show you plainly of the father

John chapters 14,15,16, and 17 were spoken by the resurrected Jesus Christ;
Hidden from man until God deemed man ready again for the power that was
promised of the Father to be endued with the power from on high

John 16:32 belongs and starting at John 13:36

John 13:36 Behold, the hour cometh yea is now come, that ye shall be scattered every man to his own, and shall leave me alone and yet I am Not alone, because
the father is with me
John 13:37 Simon Peter said unto him, Lord wither goest thou?
Jesus answered him, whither I go thou canst not follow me now; but thou shalt follow me afterward.
John 13:38 Peter said unto him, Lord, why cannot I follow you now?
I will lay down my life for thy sake
John 13:39 Jesus answered him, will thou lay down thy life for my sake? verily verily I say unto thee the cock shall not crow till thou hast denied me thrice

Note: John 14:30 and 14:31 should be 13:40 and 13:41

John 13:40 Hereafter I will not talk much with you:for the prince of this world cometh and hath nothing in me.
John 13:41 But that the world may know that I love the father; and as the Father gave me commandments even so I do. Arise let us go hence

Note: John 18:1 would be next removing chapters 14,15,16,17

John 18:1 when Jesus had spoken these words, he went forth with his disciples over the brock cedron, were was a garden, into the which he entered and his disciples.

Note: Matthew, Mark, Luke will confirm this. Old King James version.

Note Matthew, Mark, Luke
Read for your self the end of the last supper until going into the garden. This will confirm that which I have written.
(Old King James Version)
Richard A. Tobey 11-22-09

NEWTON'S LAW

Real quick, I think my super hero is going to have the power to change his mass at will, and therefor be able to affect his own gravitational force. Kinda like being able to be telepathic, but not using his mind, using his pure body mass.

Guy at work told me that two objects falling, they'll reach the ground at the same time. I was so utterly convinced he was wrong.... Bah!!
I understand that the theory is that the two objects are acted upon by gravity in the same way regardless of their mass, but if a mass has gravity, no matter how tiny, and the earth has gravity.... How can it be that the forces acting between them , (gravity attraction) doesn't have any affect on free fall? Despite how insignificant the difference in the 3000lb object's own gravity may be in the fall to the 1 ounce object, seems to me it should still count for something. Even if they just recognize that there is a value to it in the "falling objects" laws.

Crap gotta go to work and admit I was wrong.

HOPE

I seem to have great ideas, then fall asleep, and forget I ever had them. Tonight I will not let it fade away into another mundane day.

He looked into the tree lined web of orange night sky. If he was ordinary, if he was not extraordinary, then the passion, the fear, the anxiety, the sadness, the utter loss of all he was, the shear joy in knowing life, it too was not unique. It too was commonplace.
The very thought tore at his fiber. It tore into the thing that made him human as much as a surgeon's tools could pry open the very ribcage that held the life within his mortal skin.
As the idea ripped apart what this man was, something grew in it's place. Glowing embers sparked of good, righteousness. Smoldering from them were the evils, encrouching on the light. They mingled inside overwelming the thing that was man, and spilled about the fiberous being standing naked in the moons warming glow.
If he could not be more then just human. If he could not believe that what made him who he was could be an infinite singularity, then he could not exist any longer.
The ember's burst into a magnetic heat, drawing in his blood, his mind, every second lived from his first breath fed the fire.
He was tearing apart and rebuilding whatever it was that life had made him. The tree's swayed violently. They only new death when all providence of survival dispersed. They thrived until there was nothing left to sustain them, and this man wanted to drain from the very earth beneath him what those trees drank. He wanted to shed all mortal being, and have for even one moment the belief that it never had to end.
He could not journey what road lay ahead without knowing it meant something. The moonlight darkened the branches into outstretching wraiths. The stems and arms seemed to want to pull him from the ground in which he stood and crush him into the night sky above.
The man, ordinary, plain, not unique in anyway, had existed and wether or not history or mankind would ever record it, he would not let the crackling fire inside die from the suffocation smog that tryed to overwelm it.
A cloud moved, a perpetuous cycle in the humid sky shifted. Blue and gold flooded the ground about him and drove away the shadowy arms clawing at his feet. The smoke inside was replaced with the rich air in every breath he drew, and with each new breath the flames grew stronger.
He would not allow all the suffering, the loss, the passion, or even the ordinary memories of first season's day be lost by his own doubt. He was more then just a man. He was one man, who now knew what could be lost and gained, and grown from a shredded heart, a shredded mind, or even a body.
What wisdom does the great elm have, that he could not make a bed from? He closed his eyes only hoping that he would not wake and forget what it was that made him want to thrive. He dreaded that it was all a dream soon forgotten when awoke by the alarm clock. But most of all, he did not want to lose hope ever again, because so much greater is the loss of it, then any sustanance that kept him alive.
The trees sang in the wind, moaning a soft love song to the sky, and a great gospel to the ground.

super hero movies

I've decided why I love super hero movies so much. Well not just super-hero, but super-human movies.

I guess as a human I have a deep seeded need to be more then what I am built for. I want to give meaning to a short existence on a planet that has seen more human life then can ever be recorded.

If we had super strength, vampiric immortality, Feroscious abilitys that could set us above our own species, it would make us more then we were built for.

It seems to me, that that is what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. We are not content in what we are, never content in what we are supposed to be, and always desiring to be more then we've defined ourselves to be.

Maybe my next short will be a new super-human story. Now I just gotta figure out something that hasn't been done, or overdone. Who wants another Vampire, werewolf, or Mutant superhero? ... Well I do, but the point is to accomplish something that is original to me. Good grief it's going to be hard to think of something that is a new idea. I think super-human has been a part of our human culture since the beginning of time, how would I be able to come up with something new? Eh, might take a while to come up with, but I'd be cheating myself if I didn't even try.

my reason to thrive

politics

I don't have a lot of time to write a short story, so I decided to give a go to a political post.

I think that Obama made an amazing move by telling the Fed's to stop prosecuting those who have license in their state for legal medical marijuana. People love to talk about what a 'gateway' drug it is, or how much damage it does in lives. In my opinion, if the plant was grown and processed, sold and taxed like tobacco is, then it wouldn't be anymore dangerous then aspirin.
Anytime someone has caused major damage with THC in their system, the pot was laced with other drugs, they had taken other drugs, or they were drinking with it. I'd trust a pot head to drive me home before I'd trust a drunk. I'd trust a pot head with an important task, before I would someone taking a prescribed narcotic. Granted, I would not trust a pot head to remember information that could save my life, but if my choices were a drug addict, a boozer, pothead, or a jerk wad sociopath, my choice would be the pot head.
Imagine, a world were people who are angry assholes could get a prescription for some THC, and voila, half the assholes in the country would be less agitated people.
People suffering from debilitating illness's that cause an inability to eat properly, or even to thrive, would have a totally earth grown remedy.
Every drug, every bad habit, every behavior flaw has the potential to cause great harm to society. This one though, I think should be near the bottom of the list. If it were legal, regulated and taxed... I think there'd be a whole new kind of farm country. And a whole lot less Jerk-wads in the world.

On another note, imagine the space freed up in prison's and jails. Imagine the drug related crimes falling, Imagine the tax's that could be collected! I know some people who paid 5$ for one smoke... I doubt they could get that kind of tax on one cigarette, and Granholm seems to think just tobacco users could save Michigan's budget.
If my aunt could legally smoke pot, I doubt she'd be running to the pain clinic for those drugs. Eh, maybe she still would, but maybe if it was legal 20 years ago she wouldn't have destroyed herself so thoroughly. Because at least those narcotics are prescribed to her, at least those drugs are legal, at least she can get those for free... Somehow I think the big money runs our government, and not the people.
At least now I have hope one person in government isn't making decisions based on how much money a lobbyist can fork out.... Next post, How in hell is it legal for senators, any government official to take bribes from lobbyist to make decisions for our country!!!

I painted this when I was about 2 weeks till due for my son.

Mulligan

People don't usually know this, but the Earth is governed by two fates. Two all-knowing and mystical beings that are surrounded by a glittering veil of threads. Innumerate dangling pieces of life. The sequences of tangled lines in most points web together, or knot and end. There are glittering golden pieces, and there are gray almost invisible threads. There were even a few that among all the chaotic interwoven streams glow so brightly they light up pieces of the deep dark void.

Now even though these entities could ultimately decide to wipe out life, create it, or even ignore it all together, they were in fact bored. They had lost interest in the delicate and intricate masterpiece they had made together, and were now discussing how to change it. Now changing something of this magnitude took many years, but years in their standards could seem like seconds to a species such as human kind.
In a manner of speaking they had let the dinosaurs roam the spherical canvas for what only took them the time to realize the creatures could not form the curtain of thread they had planned. When they could see that the animals on the planet could only contribute delicate cobwebs disturbed by a hushed thought and blown into darkness, they wiped them out and started a new species. One day, or 5 million, time did not factor. Time really never existed until man decided it so, which was one of the things they loved about us.

It would seem to us, that they had merely flipped a coin to decide, but really it had all come down to a single idea. Free-will. It was the one element that had justified everything.

On this occasion the two had decided that one thread, one singular thread would use it's free will to make anew their creation.
Since his life line ordinary was picked out of the billions of mediocre threads, it was an even easier choice to use him for the free-will experiment being that his name was Joe Shmoe.
They plucked him off from the planet as he was in the middle of stacking product on an assembly line, ready to doze off from the monotony.
Joe immediately decided that he was dreaming, when upon opening his eyes for the second time he was still surrounded by nothingness. The voices he heard must be also, a dream.

Speaking in two infinitesimally different voices, Joe somehow still knew there were two, as much as he knew he breathed on a daily basis. For a moment that thought had made him question if he in fact did breath and he had to stop and check, inhaling and exhaling. He heard the voices say, "Are you sure this one should decide?"
Joe choked out, "decide what?"
"Do you want the Earth to exist with or without man? With or without life?"
Joe shook his head, sure that the weird dream would end soon. "no no no."
"Is that your final answer?"
Joe checked to see if his heart still beat. "Wait, don't take life away!"
The voices stopped. Joe was almost ready to start exploring the darkness, afraid they had left and he was in a coma in some hospital before they spoke again.
"You are right Joe, but it is your choice."
"We can not decide this, or our masterpiece would be lost. "
"We only wish it to... change."
Joe laughed at the idea. "Change?" He tried standing afraid that somehow he would fall and never stop. "What are you guys?"
There was a pause. "Call us Fate."
Joe wanted to laugh, but became scared of the idea that it might be real. "You are the ones screwing with my life! I hate my job, my family could care less, and all I have to show for my life is a stupid collection of packaged star wars toys."
"Decide."
The other one echoed. "Decide."
Joe smiled, if it was a dream or even if it wasn't, he should make good on an old promise. "I want Rebecca Filtmore, you know who she is right?"
"Yes."
"Yes, and?"
"decide."
"Her and me, we'll start your Eden for ya, and give the planet a whole new go, wipe the rest out for all I care."
There was a blinding flash were Joe thought he could see the void ripple. Utter darkness was shifting in minuscule lines like waves. It intensified, a shock wave of color and brilliance, Joe dared not close his eyes, but could not stop them.
When Joe opened them again, He sat alone in an apple orchard. He sighed, 'what a bizarre dream'. Then he looked down and could see he was naked. Behind him in a soft 'Poof', a naked woman appeared. "Rebecca?"
She opened her eyes and disoriented slapped at him wildly. "What the hell! Get away!"
Joe waited for her to calm down and then told her what it was all about. She laughed.
"Well if we are dreaming, which I'm sure YOU are, then that makes you the last man on earth right?"
Joe nodded proudly, no longer hiding his nakedness.
She plucked an apple out of the tree and threw it at him as she walked away. "Guess I better start checking to make sure you really are the last one. It's a big planet, might be awhile."
Joe's jaw stiffened and he threw the apple into the sky. "How is that even fair!!!" He yelled up at his supposed gods.
They answered simply. "Free will."

eScape to Bastille

Escape to Bastille

Mary called the police department at 7 am. She woke at 5 am with a meat cleaver to her throat. Luckily the meat cleaver was facing the wrong way. When the city cops showed up at 8:15 Mary was not scared anymore, but still anxious about were James had disappeared too. The first male officer walked in the open front door, properly painted pink, because as Mary had to continuously tell her neighbor, A pink front door kept chipmunks from chewing at her foundation. Staring at the front door and her eyes glazing over with thought, Sheryl and Thomas, the local appointed officers waited patiently for Mary to return from her retreat and back to the front room.

Mary was still debating in her mind whether there was a way to paint the grass puce to make the neighbor stay out of her yard when the officer asked politely, “Is there a problem Ma’am?”

Mary pointed at the meat cleaver laying on her large green recliner. She had it specially upholstered for James, because he believed that if you didn’t sit on something Green to relax, your heart rate would slowly accelerate throughout a lifetime until you died a normal death laying on your non - green bedding.

It never made sense to Mary, but the urge to set fire to the chair after James had stormed out that morning had grown so great that the Gas tank for the mower was sitting next to it with the box of matches.

The female officer pointed at the gas can and matches, “What are those for?”

Mary replied without a hesitation, “I was going to burn that rotten bastards chair, but I decided I didn’t want to wreck my house.” She stood up with her water glass and offered them a drink. “Is it illegal to burn it in my back yard?

The officers looked at each other for a slight moment. “No Ma’am, would you like us to carry it out for you?”

Mary smiled, “Yes, put it rate by the rose bush on your way out.”

The officers again looked at each other and nodded. “Ok Ma’am.”

Tyrone walked down the middle of the main street as he had done every day for the past four years. Traffic had learned to avoid him and drive slowly at 3 pm. Tyrone had already picked up his dry bread from the bakery and was sprinkling the crumbs along the double yellow lines. Soon he suspected the birds would understand and thank him.

Passages, like thoughts flowed in time. If one stopped on a path, the path did not stop. The parallel lines of the streets did not stop because he stopped walking. Tyrone did not much care for when the dashes broke apart the beautiful symmetry of the road in twenty inch gaps, but for each small moment the line broke, it appeared again.

He realized too, that the perpendicular lines that traveled down the side streets were just the flow of time trying to make him disembark from his chosen path because he was in fact, destroying the illusion that time was consistent by making his way through it with disregard for it’s plan.

It was like hope, glimmering lights in horrible darkness. They flicker, they dim, but as long as you know that it is possible for them to grow bright, or reappear again, one can believe the darkness didn’t last forever.

Tyrone looked up from the freshly tarred pothole to his left. The sun was too bright today, and he wanted to get out of it before it burned is dark melanin rich skin. He didn’t like to burn, but the sun did it’s work with or without his permission., Tyrone threw the rest of the crumbs down and ran to the end of his road where the large brick monolith shaded the grass of the Mayor’s yard.

He halted to a stop, the path was still there, but symmetry was gone. He looked for the most perfect 45 degree angle to the front door. It would take some time, but it was worth taking the path properly. If the earth is round, why wouldn’t a curved line be the fasted way from point A to B? And if it was a curved line, didn’t the terrain of the ground conform to the gravity ridden spherical core, and make any straight line a person walked into a curved line? And if that was true, then it would still technically be a straight line?

Why don't people get it? There are two lines, running in parallel to
infinity. Who am I to ignore their call to sidle between them for my
journey from my home to work? You can always tell when an Outsider comes through town. They honk their horns and yell at me for doing the perfectly obvious.

. A yellow cab, not accustomed to main street at 3 pm saw Tyrone standing in the middle of the street, in a coma like stillness, and decided to call dispatch.

“Ya Ernie, hey I think there might be a problem here on main street today.”

A crackle and buzz accompanied the answer through the speaker on the dashboard. “Oh…OH… It’s 3 pm isn’t it?”

Memphis Daniels honked as he pulled over to his pick up at the local bar, “What the hell does that mean? There's a guy standing in the middle of the road just staring! He didn't even flinch when I honked.”

The crackle answered. “Yup. It’s Tyrone, the mayor’s janitor, I’ll call and have arrangements made.”

Memphis sighed and set the C.B. back in it’s holster. The cab door opened and a young woman, beautiful and slim climbed in the back seat completely butt naked except for her large fluffy yellow hat. Oh, and she had fuzzy Technicolor slippers on, but Memphis could care less about her feet. He picked the C.B. back up. “Ernie, I might not have the cab back by 4:30, leave the door unlocked would ya?”

Ernie quaked back, “Don’t do it M. She’s gonna leave you tied up this time.”

He giggled like a silly school girl and answered, “I know, it’s exciting.”

For some unfathomable reason and complete lack of imagination, they called the city New Bastille. It's bad enough that at any given moment you're likely as not to encounter somebody literally babbling prime numbers or sweet nothings to long-dead spouses. Couldn't they have come up with something a little more subtle?

In the city park three residents of Bastille regularly danced in the man made pond. It was too shallow to drown in, but at least one person had accomplished it. Somehow the man had decided he was going to breathe his soul up out of the water, and the shame of it all was the 58 year old man had completed the formula for turning electrical energy into matter, and had created a simple experiment out of household items to make the shit ball like matter. Now that he was dead , everyone would just assume it was turds lying around the apartment, and the paperwork would be thrown in a recycling bin where no one would see it for what it truly was.

Formula’s that had come to Professor Trevor after years of working on making a microwave use less electrical energy to support his General Electric Grant, would be mangled up with newspapers and old junk mail while people sifted through it all looking for raunchy porn, and ignoring the most important findings in history.

Thankfully, Ivan worked in the recycling plant, and despite his silent stumbling stagger, was quite aware of what it all meant, and by a random act of air pressure change, spotted the formula’s passing below his hands on the conveyor belt.

Ivan scooped up the papers before they could run down the line out of reach. Tall and abrasive looking no one tried to enforce the scavenging rule on him, and the night of August 25^th Bastille would lose power, and so would most of Ohio, Illinois and Michigan.

Mayor Al had bigger problems then the janitor, or the metamorphosis of static charge to brown droppings of gooey matter. Today was the annual inspection, and he was quite sure the shitheads from the state department would want him to add more residents, but if they wanted the city bigger, they would have to give him something in return.

As he tied his pants on , and strapped up his newly shined shoes. It was time for the state to start supplying Twinkies, and dunkin doughnuts coffee to the stores. He was also hoping for a working and fully stacked Odyssey game system, but solitaire was alright too.

Tanya Monroe had escaped detection in the city for almost it’s entire existence. All she had to do was break things occasionally while singing a goofy song happily and everyone had accepted her.

When she first arrived she had fought to escape, and declared her normality loudly and proudly. Her neighbors hated her for it and the police had put her in jail for it a few times. When Tanya realized that she would be living in a town with total disregard for reality it had terrified her.

Now all she wanted was to never see the outside world again.

As mayor Al pulled up to the house with the most dead grass, he for a slight moment regretted what he had to do.

Tanya heard the Mayors uniquely annoying jabbering approaching her front door.

She decided that she should do something to set his mind at ease.

Mayor Al stepped aside rapidly when the door opened and stuck his foot out to stop the screen door from slamming his perfect face before Tanya screamed into the yard bellowing as she found a small green patch of grass, and by green I mean slightly less brownish yellow then the rest of the grass.

She suddenly went silent, squatted and pissed in the appropriate spot.

“Seriously doll…. I still don’t believe you.” The mayor pointed to his car, the back door opened for their departure.

Tanya grabbed her underwear out of her skirt pocket, and skipped as she sang O’Christmas Tree all the way to the back seat.

Entrance into Bastille was complicated and always, always accompanied by boxes of paperwork. Today accompanied by the Staties, was a particular federal agent who had declared no more paperwork would go through the state department about Bastille or any of it’s citizens. The two slightly less important guys, but higher paid then the fed, were giddy to be rid of it, and the fed was not at all amused by their deliberate joy at handing off the responsibilities.

When the large gate door swung open the fed fallowed the men to a large black bronco, kept in pristine condition for 15 years, parked inside on a seemingly vacant drive.

Agent Lelay rode in the front seat with Al as Tanya waved with one hand, and held the most perfect finger up with the other. The agents walked back out the gate they had entered laughing the entire way to their cruiser.

Agent Lelay glanced at Tanya in the back seat. He assumed Tanya was playing games with her peripheral vision. Her hair seemed to fascinate her as it hid behind her ear and only became visible to her if she swung her head hard enough to flip it into view.

The large dark bearded mayor drove intently, and Lelay pulled a tiny laptop from out of his briefcase. “Mayor, the federal government has decided to add some controls.”

The mayor choked like a big wad of spit had just gotten stuck in his windpipe. He coughed trying to tell the Agent to shut the fuck up, but it came out as “ut is wuck ou”

“The government has already decided, and all you are to do is allow access of our crew to your water treatment.”

The mayor slowed the black bronco and tried to protest, “No, I want twinkies, and I want a lifetime supply of Hen-ti first.”

Al had forgotten about Tanya, and Agent Lelay followed him into the city hall while Tanya waited for them to disappear through the front door. As soon as they were out of sight, she darted out the back door and South down the road to get to Ivan’s house.

Tanya too had been assigned to work in the recycling plant by the doctors. She had learned quickly that Ivan was like her, and not at all what they had labeled him.

Ivan’s house was brick and stucco, he had not chosen to change it at all from it’s original state when he was given the option by the city planning commission. Everyone in town had been given the option, and Tanya, knowing what and who the people really were, told them that she wanted it to be winter all year round, except for summer, spring and fall, so if they could plant pine trees, she would rather have bushes that bloomed flowers.

When they finally got done writing her wishes into their neatly paper clipped and organized manila folder, she was promised everything she had asked for as they left and went to her neighbors house. That woman had all her tree’s removed, and all the spare wood from it piled into the side yard like a giant dry beaver dam. Tanya was tempted on several occasions to set it a blaze, just because she knew the punishment for setting illegal fires was a trip to the local bar for some Haldol soda.

Tanya rang Ivan’s doorbell in a random pat-at-tat-tat rhythm and waited for Ivan to peek through the side window.

His large bulky hands always handled small objects gracefully, but at this occasion he was so excited to show Tanya what he had done that he almost yanked the brass nob off opening the door.

Tanya was hit by a wave of noxious smell as she stepped in. When she put her hand up to her nose Ivan realized what she was doing and rushed her into the dining room so that he could close and lock the door behind her.

He barely contained himself as his big rough voice boomed even as he whispered, “I’ve done it Tanya, the matter conversion really works, and Trevor is going to be…” his face puckered for a second, “He would be so proud.”

Tanya gasped at the large brown ball of goo sitting on the kitchen floor and on the table. She sighed and sat heavily into his over sized recliner. “Oh man, I never thought you were one of them, I never thought,”

Ivan grabbed her chin gently, and with his enormous finger pulled her big hazel eyes up to his, “Just watch Tanya, it’s real!” This time his voice wasn’t booming, and wasn’t loud, it was just.. Soft.

He strode into the kitchen in two big steps and pushed the start button on the microwave. The power in the house surged. Tanya gasped as she watched the static like bolts and sparkles gather on the chandelier between the spouts of darkness. She watched the large hideous ball growing. Ivan had walked back over to her silently, the table started to creak and moan, it’s legs about to snap. “I told you it was real, just because things sound crazy, doesn’t mean that they can’t exist in someone’s world.”

The microwave beeped annoyingly three times and the flickering light show stopped as all the lights grew back to their original brightness.

Tanya stood and grabbed Ivan’s arm viciously, she had gotten lost in his display “They’re here Ivan, I knew they’d screw it up, but they’re here!”

Ivan’s face turned cold and hard. “Where’s Mattie?”

Mattie had worked under Mayor Al as a supervisor for the town since the beginning. She too was only a nut assigned to the town, but found a place running somewhat ordinary tasks and paperwork for the communications with the outside world. She coordinated the trades and shipments as well as utility allocations. It seemed that Mayor Al had grown found of her partial outbursts of profanity and panic attacks. They had started meeting for rum and cokes a couple weeks after they first met, and her attacks had subsided in the confidence that Al did not care if she broke out in sweats in fear of balloons, or if she started paranoid ramblings about the utility companies trying to overload the grids and destroy their city for shear fun.

As a matter of coincidence, after the first rum and coke, he confided that she made him feel normal, and thanked her with a promise that no balloons would ever cross the threshold of seventh street where her office was located. After three years Mayor Al had outlawed all latex or similar types of balloons completely.

This was the first time though that Mattie started to fear he too was one of them. They had met every week, at least once, and he had ditched her for three weeks now. She didn’t want to believe her only companion was deserting her, but now, after ordering her fourth drink, she was sure he too had found her undesirable, and soon the streets would be filled with clowns holding bundles of balloons.

Before Mattie could take the next drink, Ivan and Tanya had approached and called her name from a distance. They respected her, as a matter of knowing sneaking up on her could result in being banned to the celery farm for two days hard labor, but she knew, they too were just pretending. Soon they too would be strapping her to a large leather chair and taunting her for being lazy and stupid.

Ivan looked down at Tanya, “She’s been drinking, maybe we’ll have to leave her out of this.”

Tanya nodded and turned to walk out. Mattie surprised her by shouting happily, “Come her you guys, as much as I hate you, I need more alcohol, come buy me one and talk.”

Mattie guzzled her drink and slammed the plastic goblet on the counter. She believed for the moment if she let them know how much she distrusted them, or feared them, they would do exactly as she feared. This way at least she was in control of what they would do , if only temporarily.

Ivan grinned at Tanya. Each of them had experienced some time on the celery farm, by accident, and were glad that they had caught Mattie on a good day.

Her soft wrinkled hands patted Ivan on the forearm gently pulling him down into the stool next to her. “What are you two up to today?” Tanya paused for a second as Mattie added, “It wouldn’t happen to be anything we could piss the mayor off with would it?” Mattie turned to Ivan, “Cause I’m feeling frisky and you sir can put me to bed any day.”

Tanya stifled a giggle, “Kind of Mattie, that’s why we need to run something by you.”

Mattie pointed to her empty glass and flopped her hand at Tanya to continue.

“We need access to some files the staties brought today, and we aren’t sure what we are looking for yet.”

Ivan put the glass of flavored water into Mattie's hands, It was custom at Bastille bar’s to only serve two actual alcoholic beverages a day per customer, anything else was just flavored with a drop of herbal oil and stale carbonated water. Most people that could tell the difference didn’t drink in the bar anymore, so it was working well for the rest of Bastille.

Mattie shivered as she swallowed most of her drink in one gulp. “just stop by tomorrow after work and I’ll see what we can find.” Ivan and Tanya started to stand up and Mattie grabbed his somewhat furry arm, “One favor.”

Tanya crossed her arms and grinned at the two of them waiting for what came next.

“Anything for you Mattie, “ Ivan tried not to frown, and seem sincere.

“ Take me home and tuck me in?”

As best he could Ivan nodded silently and put Mattie’s arm under his, which from his height was practically around his waist. Tanya walked quietly behind them out the front door. Ivan turned around long enough to mouth the words, “call me” as he turned to listen to Mattie tell him her story about the seven toed cat that mated with a raccoon one time on her farm. Anyone who had a regular conversation with Mattie new how it ended. She told the same story, exactly the same way, every time.

Tanya thought about calling a cab, but decided to walk, she could feel the thunder and electricity building in the sky and thought it might be nice to see the storm start for once, instead of just being swept up in the middle of one.

********************************************************

Mayor Al , in his darkened office on the third floor, whipped the bobble head Lincoln at the open doorway. It cracked and the bearded face sprung off into the hall when it hit. He had done everything he could to protect his town from this, and now the government had stepped in and stripped him of everything he had done.

The Agent made it clear that if he could not comply, a new Mayor would be assigned as well as a new policing force for Bastille. At the moment Al had to resignate his power until a new option could be found. He felt sad that he had just killed Lincoln on the antique burgundy wall paper. It was his favorite desk ornament.

Al mumbled on to himself for most of the night, relying on the magic 8 ball for random guidance on occasion, and sometimes looking up porn to watch while he tried to glue the pieces of Lincoln back together. Before he left for his bed in the next room, he made a note for his secretary to buy him a new bobble head, he had decided that Clinton was a great president after all.

*********************************************************

When Cindy came in that morning and found her note, at the same time, Tanya was knocking on her neighbors door.

The large bag of apples she left on the cement steps would be snapped up quietly when no one could see, as it had been since Tanya had figured out why once a week the police would have to drag the woman out kicking and screaming. Tanya made a deal with them to leave her neighbor alone, and she would make sure she ate, and wasn’t rotting away inside wasting valuable real-estate. If she had time, Tanya decided she would try and leave the woman a dish of roast beef for Sundays dinner.

Cindy on the other hand had decided her boss was an ignorant prick a long time ago, and despite the voices inside telling her to poison his coffee every morning, was more fond of making ridiculous amounts of paperwork for him to go through, and remind him at every occasion of how useless he was in filling the unimportant documents out correctly.

She took pride at shredding the pile of neatly corrected phony papers every night at home, and found it much more rewarding to win that small victory over him then to slowly poison him. Of course the voices had still talked her into at least buying the rat poison and storing it in the break room refrigerator. One day , after all, he might catch on that he really didn’t have to record the destination records of all the taxi rides in duplicate.

It's still dark out...

Ok so this isn't a story, I'm just ranting.

I'm sick of getting up every morning before the sun even does. Some days it's alright getting up but then there's the more plentiful ones where I just want to throw my alarm clock into a deep dark hole and forget I even exist for just one more hour.

They say it might snow next week, and I love it. Most people here in Michigan are already dreading it, but something about snow really pushes my happy button, at least until about February.

Have you ever looked at someone, say in a Wal-Mart, or a gas station, and thought, 'omg that person is too beautiful to be real!'. Maybe I have low standards, but I see beautiful people around me like that all the time. And, every time I see one of these stupidly gorgeous people I hear Marylin Manson's 'the beautiful people' song. It's probably not what manson meant, but I can' t help it.

Eh, I gotta go to work. People need to start loving my blog so I don't have to work so much. GET GET people!!!

stoners

The two lackadaisical young men sat smoking the eldest boys stolen stash of sweet herbs. They had spent months digging the giant holes, and molding tons of dirt around the small hill. If it worked out the way the village idiot had said, they would have to get the boulders moved before the ground froze.
The two never really talked after spending a day in the crag infested valley. When they finished they lit up and smoked. Neither of their families understood why they brought home very little food after hunting on a three days journey while other boys brought home three or four kills more then them. It didn't bother either of them though.
The eldest boy passed his young pupil the rolled up herbs and laughed as he patted the dust from his legs. "I bet we can get the ox's to pull the boulders into the hills."
The younger boy inhaled deeply, the end of the herbs glowing bright orange even in the mid-day sun. "I bet crazy Ron will help if we ask. He has a couple good ox's."
They smiled at one another.
"Do you think it'll stand very long?" He coughed a little as he exhaled.
"Crazy Ron said we have to peg out some spots to hold em." He too inhaled and tilted his head back. Some sweat still glimmered on his forehead.
"Do you think anyone will ever know it was us?"
He hung his head back down still trying to hold his breath. "They'd never believe it."
"Your right. When we dig these back out in spring, people will hold bonfires and decide the gods made it for them."
They both started laughing at the idea, and couldn't stop. "And.." he snorted back a giggle, "we'll dance with them proclaiming the wonder of the gods, the mystery of it all."

did you hear about? Dude I was there!

The smell of pumpkin pie filled the dimly lit kitchen. If it had not been a complete mess of overflowing dishes and garbage, the room would have been pleasant and appatizing.
Through the front window, old widow Mary watched the busy college traffic zoom by as 3 o'clock class's let out. A disturbing screeching came from the south end of the house as break pad desperatly clung to the tire walls of an older burgendy sedan. The old woman watched it roll up to the street light, white fluffy smoke billowing over the tires and into the air.

She walked with her books every day, and she had always done so. From the very first school book she was instructed to take care of in 2nd grade, Tiffinay had always carried them with her back and forth to school. She had never used a locker, not in elementary, middle, or high school. Now in college it was even more important since the books had cost her a whole months rent to buy.
She cringed and staggered away from the road as a car started howling next to her. It skidded and slid as the driver tried to make the car work. The brakes somehow seemed stuck but the car just kept going, as if the screaming clouds comming from the tire walls meant nothing to it's current momentum, Tiffany started to bolt down the road away from it as she realized it was going to go through the intersection.

Trevor and Tony had met the year before in a bio lab. The inside the wesco after studying and had coffee while they discussed what meaningless crap the college had let the professors push on their students. As Tony's sister pulled out of the Wesco to hurry to her 3 o'clock class, she had stopped to ask him to check her car after school to make sure it wasn't burning up fluids. Trevor was sure she was about to ask him to go to the student athlete meeting with her when she lost the nerve and made up a wierd story about the car.
Tony slugged Trevor in the arm as he was picking up his coffee. "I don't care, NOT my sister dude."
Tony laughed but then seemed startled when he looked back out the window. "I hope that isn't break fluid from her car..."

Racheal was angry at herself for being too pathetic to ask him out, but at least she still had time to try again. A burgendy car that pulled out from the wesco behind her seemed to be riding her bumper since the last stop sign. She couldn't see what the man was doing but somehow he seemed frantic when she looked back through her rear view.
Racheal slowed down for a second, but the man just swerved into the other lane. He was in oncoming traffic, he seemed to be yelling at her, but she could not tell what he was saying, and pressed on the gas to get as far as quickly away from him as possible. At the next intersection, she blew through the yeild sign, and so did he. Suddenly it sounded like he had slammed on the breaks. Racheal sighed in relief, a bit shaken by the oddity of it all.
She could still hear the breaks as she turned a corner to head into the college parking lot.

At least 40 students getting out, and going in to college that day watched as the car slid almost paranormally down the road. Smoke and noise, horrific scraping of metal on metal had followed the car for ten minutes as he went plowing down the long college road. Finally at the non residential intersection, far away from all those cell phones, and college security cameras, far away from anyone who could have stopped to call for help, or done anything other then watch as the car rolled by, Gerald Major, the driver of the 1995 burgendy sedan ran down a ten year old boy who was walking home from the bus stop. The cars anti-locks had malfunctioned, the accelorator had stuck, and despite trying to swerve the car off the road to avoid missing the child, an inch of the bumper had grazed the child enough to throw him onto the pavement as the back tire swerved when the fronts hit the dirt.

A chill wind crosses through the city. Passing vagrants filling the air with the smell of alcohol. There were ones fallen asleep on unforgiving ground and the ones who had simply fallen, but refused to sleep. Industries poisoned the cold wind with smoggy breath in the dark horizon. Sleeping children gave the wind a promise of a warmer night as parents turn on nightlights in the hall. The breeze passed many statues and museums. Particles of the wind survived high in dark, never being circulated through human lungs. Some of it passed through many great wars-the last breaths of dieing soldiers mingling with the vicious crys of the enemy.
This night it would find the madness, and desperation of two people, too young yet to know what they had survived. It brushed through their running bodies. The wind fallowed children, mixing with the hot stench of fear and desparation swimming off from them. They ran in the dark with the ever present breeze. They ran in Harris park. A place once only known by a grandfather's postcard collection. It was a terrible place now, dark, desolate, a hiding place and a dead place were once it was a wonderful dream. A bridge lay in the center where two hills sloped dangerously until it met the rolling grasses. A river might have never flowed there if the bridge did not say it was so.
The two children ran under the bridge, their cloths soiled and torn. Blood stained the smaller child's sleeves, and the taller one caressed the boy's hair as they stopped and caught their breath. A police car rushed noisily over the bridge. Blue and red bounced inside the tunnel passageway. The taller one a girl named Jep , hurried the smaller into the shadow of the bridge where garbage lay in a heap. As they sat full of fear and out of space to run, four police men stamped, clickety-clockety past. They could hear the men shouting.
" Those two gotta be here! We couldn't have lost sight of them. " Another man replied, voice soft and yet with an intense direction of volume. " I'll keep going just in case.”
The two police officers walked through the dark tunnel not noticing the two children. A quite sigh of relief ran through the frail bodies. As the girl Jep began to help the small boy up, the shine from the metal on the police uniforms came back toward the bridge. Jep dropped her body, the small boy with her. Her heart stopped as the boy let out a whimper.
The police man heard them and called to the others. " I heard something under here! " He yelled out into the now frost bitten night.
They were as still as they could be. Riot-full feet came under the bridge echoing until the girl Jep covered her ears to stop the noise. The junk that had hid them was suddenly shoved away. Bright lights covered them as Jep felt the boy beneath her shiver with terror. She wouldn't let them harm him. She lost April and she wouldn't lose Charles. Jep stood facing the lights. Adrenaline was pouring through her. Jep couldn't hear the breaths of shock that came from the men.
" Damn! " One tried to say, " She's only a child. " Jep still stood ready to tare anyone apart. Another man gasped, " Look there's the other one! "
Jep could feel her heart jumping inside her as she reached down to get Charles. Watching the men lower their flash lights she backed up against the grassy hill. Bits of trash meshed with her fingers. She grabbed slowly , deliberately for something big and sharp All the while trying to keep her unsteady vision on the assultive looking figures in front of her. " You stay away from us! " She cried out hysterically, " I'll kill each and every one of you!"
She kicked at the garbage ferociously to get it out of her way. Even as she walked and stumbled Charles tiny hand was held tightly looped in one arm. She knelt, a prey looking for any escape; reaching for anything she could use to keep them away. One thing, what could have been an old can of soup, was too light and dull. Another a object, a rock. It could work, but not for more then one man. Still she sifted with the hand, Hiding what she was doing through her drunken like stumbles to find her escape valve in the shape of some miscellaneous item some one had thrown away.
" We won't hurt you, " a shorter man began, " please we just want to help. " His pleasant demeanor meant nothing under the military like hair cut.
Jep was disoriented, " You were chasing us with guns! "
" Please, " the man tried again. He walked slowly toward her, as she was holding Charles by the waist and pulling him pass the rubbage. They backed to the other side of the bridge. Two more police men appeared behind her at the other side of the tunnel. The first two officers shouted out to stop them from what they were trained to do, but it was too late.
The over excited policemen had her in hand cuffs and the other one held Charles as he kicked and screamed for Jep. Rage ran through Jep as she heard the boy crying out to her.
The panic was gone. The process of thought, was now gone. Only the need to save him ran rapidly through her brain, and these men were in her way. Now they were now casualties of her rage. She wrenched her hand from one of the cuffs yelling at the top of her lungs, blood ran from her wrist.
The man that thought he had captured his next promotion backed away with surprise, " It's a child! " Jep's chest heaved up and down. The only sound was the dangling of the one cuff on her right wrist against the gun it held. Four flash-lights had been turned on when the struggle began. The police men that had originally found her froze.
The one that had Charles let him go just enough for him to struggle free and run to Jep. Tears stained the boy's face. "Jep don't let them take me from you! "
She held the gun steady and true, but here eyes twittered from one thing to the next, " Drop your gun belts now!" Her voice cracked as she screamed. They hesitated. " I can shoot at least three of you before you get to me! “ In her rattled state t hey didn't hesitate. She turned her head to see the man behind her suddenly stop. The gun recoiled, but she stood hard against it. With one gesture the officer dropped down on the ground, quickly backing away before standing. Before the other men could react she had the gun facing them. " I told you to drop them! " Madness filled her eyes. She could no longer hear Charles pleading for the men not to hurt either of them.
Charles, startled at the man on the ground she had just shot at, Stopped abruptly. He pulled at her sleeve desperately trying to get her to hear him. " Jep! " She was already passed the point of return. Fever and fear stopped her from thinking straight.
" I will save you April! " she whispered to him. She smoothed his hair then running her hand down through some ghostly strands that she must have cherished. A sad look crossed her face before she turned that half gaze that she gave to the boy, and the other half turned quickly back to a spiteful anger that could not be reached.
The man that had found children under a bridge, started to understand the madness unfolding. " Jep..."
" Back away very slowly! " She tried yelling but her dried throught cracked her words.
Charles pulled at her rag-ed jean coat." Jep, " tears welled inside him, "You're scaring me. "
Jep felt her mind evaporating. She couldn't let April die again. Her thoughts deceived her, as the memory tore at her. She wouldn't let these men hurt April, but that was a boy's voice she heard not Aprils, and the body was so small.
The man watched her confusion, "Jep you have just shot an armed weapon at a police officer " he tried to pull her back to reality. " There is no way out, set down the gun and come with us. "
It was her father's voice she heard not the mans. " Get away, I didn't do anything wrong ! " Her sight was blurred. She felt a painful blow to her stomach, that was as real as that voice. She began to cry letting go of Charles for a second to wipe her eyes. The blood from her wrist stained her face and eyes. The gun was still steady though and the men didn't approach her. A police car barreled down the hill the red and blue lights flashing inside the tunnel on the walls distracting her. She wasn't at home, she wasn't with April .She was under the bridge. Convulsions ran through her. Jeps body fell to the ground the blue and red lights flashed in her sight till she went black. Shadowy figures kneeled above her to steal her soul.
The dreams were frightful for the weeks she was in a coma, only the voice of a small boy kept her from letting go, but he wasn't there in the dreams. They were dreams of another time. A time when her life had been like any other and she had friends that helped her with her dreadful secret. The secret that haunted her thoughts, were the nightmares that slept with her now. She couldn't run any more. She walked through a yard. It seemed peaceful enough, but something watched and sticky air began to fog all around. She kept on. The house was now dirty grey instead of a sparkling white. It was crooked and bent. Fear rushed through her and she couldn't find why. It was there, in that house. Whatever threatened her was there. A loud tormented shrill came from the house mingled with shouts of anger. She rushed in to help whoever it was. The door wouldn't budge. She couldn't open the door! Something crashed against the wall--glass. She hurried to the big bay windows to look in. For some reason she remembered them being tall. She looked in, the breath ran out of her. A girl lay in a ball crying in the corner as a man kicked at something in the kitchen. Jep banged her fists on the window and began yelling. She stopped realizing they couldn't hear her. She turned to look for something to break the window and froze when April came running down the walk that led to the door. She was smiling! Jeps heart fell to the ground. Guilt ran through her. She watched on, unable to move her eyes from the thing that caused her so much pain. The girl opened the door and entered through the toothed gape of a doorway. Her long hair braided and dangling she walked into the mouth of some house like demon. Jep's eyes fallowed through the window. The man had picked up the girl from her corner and thrown her up against the wall so that she saw that terrible face looking back at her.
" Close the curtains now! " She heard the man's voice and she could not shiver and could not run. The small girl got up, shaking with pain and ran toward the shocked face that had just stepped into the front door. Jep pounded on the window, She tried to yell out to the girl, but the name April would not come out. The man's eyes widened with rage. He saw April hold the girl in her arms. April would fight this man. Jep could feel her strength, and almost felt like cheering. The man was disgusted. He was headed at the two when a voice startled him.
" Randy..." it was faint. He went into the kitchen and when he walked out he carried a broken body into a dark room that lay down a shadowed hall to the right of the kitchen. The dream repeated itself over and over and each time Jep felt her uselessness and each time the boy's voice would call her to the wonderful place where she had friends and no-one knew her secrets, not even the teachers. She recognized it now -that was it-the place was school. She knew the place. The boy's voice came again telling Jep her story, reading solemnly out of her diary. He read to her of the first day she met April. 'I was walking down the halls all painted this pukey blue color wondering why a new school was supposed to be fun : I haven't made any friends, haven't found this great adventure, or met any 'nice' kids yet. I was going to the cafeteria, a frightful place, and not just because of the food. Carrying my paper bag in my left hand and my back pack full of new books in the other, I clearly stood out as one of the 'poor' kids. I heard the noises of all the other kids in that room. Eating there lunches talking with friends, all of them care free. It was a welcome sound even though it mocks me.
I enter through these huge double doors and heres this girl at a table all alone eating out of a paper bag and looking as lonely as I was. So, I went on over to her, for some reason I didn't feel the least bit scared of her. I sat down across from her and she didn't even acknowledge me, she just kept finding things to eat out of that bag of hers!'
The boyish voice stopped for a moment. In the world outside that of Jep's dreams, the boy Charles wiped a tear from his eye thinking how his Jessie's life had fallen apart. Then he began to read again so that Jep had company in-between her fit-full sleep.
' So I introduced myself, Hi, I said. I'm new here and she looked up in amazement. I thought her eyes were going to bust. But come to find out this girl April was as lonely as I was and had come here a year before me and all the kids told her she was weird and because they thought she was so strange they stayed away from her. I tell you this girl was strange, wore any thing she thought was comfortable, she had nice new cloths but she wouldn't wear them as outfits no-sir-e. She had to wear them so all the colors were clashing so loud you'd think you should wear earplugs or sun glasses, I am not sure which. '
Charles couldn't laugh, but he could smile all the same. He had seen her spark of life many times when they were together but now that he had known what she was like he couldn't remember seeing her so truly alive as she was as he read her words. ' Well it's pretty late and I want to get up early so I can see what this girl April wears tomorrow! ' ' PS I think we're gonna be best friends.' Charles looked over at the only mother and sister he had known. A tear ran down her face, a haunting skeleton with bright pink cheeks, and a brief smile told of one happy moment he could bring her in that world of horrors she was facing. His was over, he had a family and love, the only thing missing was his darling Jessie, a person he could not live without. Charles stood up to leave, he couldn't see her like this, as if death had his hand on her soul, he let tears drench his sleeves as he dared not cry so many times visiting her here, He swore that if she die he could not live, not while she suffered and he received a new home and all the cloths and food he could want, she didn't deserve this, that man she killed was an accident and God couldn't torture her like this! He couldn't! She was only protecting him.., she was only protecting....
The boy's voice left her and that happy memory was lost instantly at the new onslaught of nightmares. She stood there again at the window. Looking in at the terrible scene. The girl was in April's arms. Jep was so tired her eyes wouldn't close. She watched the man enter the room with the body. She turned her head expecting the dream to begin all over but it didn't and she was in an even worse place than that window, she was in the ally watching that same little girl getting beat up, April now in rags and skinny like a scarecrow. April fought pulling at the young man who knocked the girl against a brick wall. Jep desperately wanted to run she couldn't see it not now, not ever, but she wouldn't be that lucky. April jumped on the man's back her one arm around his throat. The air was thick it became thicker as Jep struggled to see her beloved April. The man ran backwards against the wall, she could see the spots of blood by his zipper where she had bit him. He tossed April like a rag doll, she landed next to Jep. The 14 year old girls grasped for one another as he toppled toward them limping in pain.
He akwardly pulled a knife from his pants pocket. Jep began to choke but could see the limp body, April's, pull herself up from the ground. once again to defend her as she lay helpless. The man lunged at April with a knife. Blood gargled. Jep found herself staring at April, face to face, blood was all over her. She breathed in sharply, this was not real, this was not real. April's glossy blue eyes slowly closed. Blood poured as rain from the sky over Jep. The dream ended as it had began, and Jep slept. She slept and dare not wake to face the world and dare not dream to face April's once live beautiful blue eyes.
The boy's voice came as she slept this time it was real and she knew it's owner's name. It was Charles the boy she had found in the abandoned apartment. The boy she lived for. Other voices came now, but these were familiar, these were someone she loved. Guilt filled her she fell into the nightmare again this time it was April's death over and over. Jep woke screaming. The room was white and there was a oxygen mask over her mouth. A T.V. sat on a shelf on the wall across from the bed she lay in. She realized suddenly that she was in a hospital. Without warning the memories from that night came back to her.
“ Charles!” Jep pulled the blue covers from her. It took a lot of effort. Pain hitting her back she sat up quickly. That was a mistake--the room spun around her. She still felt the strain that she needed to find April, she startled herself. It wasn't April, April was dead. She looked up to see herself in the mirror. Her face was pale and thin. Her shoulder length hair was surprisingly straight and clean. Her green eyes stared back at her. She stood on her legs but they betrayed her and she fell to the ground. An iv-tube wrapped around her wrist and a tube from her stomach threatened to pull free and spill her blood and bile on the checker tiled floors.
She was frightened. Was it a dream? As she tried to sit up two nurses rushed in to see what had happened. Loud beeping noises had alerted them. Jep seen confusion, but no shock in their eyes. The large one, a handsome young man, came to her sweeping Jep up, ignoring her protests, and laying her into the bed. The other checked the tube in her stomach. What looked to be a doctor came in and held her down until the nurses made sure Jep wasn't damaged. Jep didn't make it easy for the doctor though. She made sure he would have at least two bruises. When the nurses left the room a woman in a dress walked in. They had sent for her. The doctor made sure her wrist straps were in place and went to the woman. " She has to sleep Mrs. Geene. " His voice warned the woman. " Relax doctor, " She explained. " I just came to see how she reacted to waking. " Jep thought about getting up again but remembered the fall when her ribs began to ache. " Fine, " the doctor turned and looked at Jep with concern. Jep wouldn't trust him no matter how concerned he sounded. He walked out of the room and the woman approached Jep. " Jessie? " The woman said. Jep was startled she stopped staring at the ceiling and turned to the woman. She was black, and not just African american, but truly dark and beautiful. Her presence demanded respect, even if Jessica felt inclined to give no such thing.
" No. " was all Jep said. The woman nodded her head. Jep stared back at the ceiling. " Fine. Well I just came in to see how stubborn you would be. I guess I should tell you that Charles is with your old fosters. April's parents. " A tear would not come from Jep she only blinked in pain. The woman wouldn't let up. "You've been here for three weeks. " She studied Jep. Jep had no reaction. " I will be your therapist for now. " She paused again. " Jessie, I need to know what happened and when you get better I'm coming back to you. Charles can come whenever he wants. Mr. and Mrs. Hillerd say you were kidnapped from the theatre. " She studied Jep but Jep was the same. " They haven't seen the diary. " Jep filled with anger. She only gave two people permission to that book.
" GET OUT! " Jep was mad. She would have killed this woman if she could have. The leather wrist straps burned at her. Instead she only stared at the woman as the fear left her eyes. The woman began to turn and leave. " The doctor says you need rest Jessie, " and the woman they called Ms. Geene left. Jep laughed to herself. She had just slept three weeks. What did she need sleep for?
Chapter 2
She woke to her first day of therapy. Even though she didn't want anything to do with these people. Jep knew she could fool them into believing she was normal and then when she could run she would. To where, Jep didn't know but she would get out of there and leave Charles to his new family. She would get the diary and she would kill herself. No one was going to know she killed April and no one would know who she really was inside. No one. Jep learned fast and she used her best acting abilities to get the nurses to like her. The first two days she got used to her legs and then she was walking. She would get in light conversations with the nurses and often she would wander the halls. She was watched though, she knew it. Jep seen the police man that watched her when she turned a corner and she heard him inform the man at the other end of the hall. She wasn't paranoid, they still wanted to kill her. As a matter of fact she wanted them to.
She wondered why Charles had not came to see her. She would tell him her plan when he got there. He deserved to know it wasn't him, he was a wonderful friend, And if she died, she couldn't leave that weight on his shoulders. As she was walking the halls of the geriatrics section she heard the familiar voice that had kept her alive. It was Charles. When she seen him her heart skipped a beat. This wasn't the Charles she met that long night. This was a boy with curly brown hair, large smile, and clean. They only had showers when they broke into unoccupied hotel rooms at night. She had hardly ever seen him clean since the rooms were dark and they had the same raggedy cloths on when they were done. After a day of sleeping in the dirty apartments his hair was flat and dark and a smile like that would nock her down if she hadn't braced herself when she heard his voice.
Charles seen Jep despite Jep trying to go back, " Jep!" He yelled in excitement. He ran at her his arms opened. " I heard you had got better, I missed you so much! " He hugged her violently. She cringed at his touch. She couldn't now bear to tell him what she was going to do.
. Jep shrugged. " I missed you too Charles. " She smiled trying to keep from crying. April's parents had come with him. With that, She was drained of all feeling. It was as if someone sealed the feelings away, never to be reached again, whether she willed it so or not. Jep smiled inside of herself, and let a little bit of it show to Charles. The switch had been flipped inside. No more feelings. It would be much easier this way indeed. To avoid them she led Charles to the lobby letting April's parents fallow her. Did they even know April was dead? She wouldn't tell them if possible. Jep would do her best to ignore them. Jep and Charles sat on a brown sofa that leaned against the great atrociously named, “View of the world” window. Seeing as how it looked over the roof of the hospital and onto more roofs, and then into the slums of the city, and then into the better parts of the city, Then about 50 miles into the horizon a person could see where the State forest preserve was. The sunset was oh so lovely in the smog. She marvled that someone would choose such a site for the world, and found it humorous that they had. Jep hesitated as she tried to become comfortable with the newly formed son of hers.
" How are you doing? " Her voice was normal, she had acting practice these last few days, She didn't want to be totally emotionless for him. Some control in her mind said that she wasn't going to ask how Charles had gotten in the Hillard's hands.
" I'm with April's parents. They are as nice as you described them in the diary. " He held his breath. Charles didn't know what happened when Jep dreamed but she had said April's name a lot. Jep ignored the Hillards as they tried to waltz silently into the corner of the room through a back door arm in arm. " Thats good Charles. I just wanted to know that you're happy. " With his childish ignorance Charles said, " Aren't you coming home with us when your better? " Charles eyes were begging. Jep had to look at the Hillards. " Will you leave so I can talk to him? " Jep acted like she didn't know them and if she kept it up she would begin to believe it. The Hillards looked at each other. She had hurt them. All well, No more than they would hurt when they found out who killed their daughter. They closed the lobby doors behind them. Jep watched as the two turned the corner.
" Charles I'm not going back. " Charles began to protest but Jep interrupted, " Charles, I want you to understand that I love you with all that is left of me. I don't want to hurt you." Charles still didn't understand. " I just know that I am going to another state.”
Well, it wasn't lieing really. Dead was another state. “As long as they are still after me I will run. I hate to leave you Charles you know that." She wiped a tear from Charles now silky face. " I can't go there. April is gone and with her all of my hope and strength. I can't let her parents find out...." Jep stopped. The psychologist had entered the room. Her mind slipped. She wouldn't act for this woman. She didn't have to, the hate for this Ms. Geene was real. Charles turned to see her and jumped, " Mrs. Geene! " It wasn't shock but joy in his voice. " Have you met Ms. Geene Jep? She is a wonderful person. " Jep's heart broke. She hated this woman forever and if her only reason for living was revenge on the socialworker, than so be it.
" Charles. " Charles turned to Jep as she motioned him to leave, " Don't forget me. I love you. " Tears did not come from her eyes. She would not be betrayed in front of this woman. When Charles hesitated to leave Jep spoke again, " Leave Charles, I want to say something to Ms. Geene. " Charles, confused by the thick nothingness hanging in the air, feared what was happening in the room while he stood in the middle of some war that was about to be waged. He new which side he always belonged on though. He ran to hug Jessie, thinking that with all her words she had spoken, It just might be the last time he would see her. The two woman watched Charles leave the room.
Jep was mad and she spit with white fire, " You are an arrogant..." Pausing to choose words Jep watched the woman's grin fade into a steady poker face. " First you read my life without my permission... You are beyond belief! Then you take Charles from me! " Ms. Geene began to protest then stopped herself. Jep was tall and almost eight-teen. With the rage that was in this girl she would not tempt the anger. " I've said all I have to say to you. " and Jep walked passed Ms. Geene. Ms. Geene seen something in that anger that wasn't in the diary. She was hiding something, something terrible that ate at her. Jep knew what it was, she new it was there, and she pleaded within 'god help me April, I hate so deeply' but knowing they are there didn't mean she knew how to handle them. Jep walked passed the police officer that watched the lobby. She would leave tonight. Her legs were able and she had said her good-byes to Charles. He was in good hands. They were good people the Hillards. If they found out what she had become, they wouldn't blame Charles they would blame her. Jep turned into her hospital room. The Hillard's were there. Jep began to get a headache, they would ask her. She has got to make them hate her before they find out--it was better for Charles. She turned around to go to the game room. " Jessie, please talk to us. We haven't seen you for five years." April's mother spoke. Jep stopped to listen but wouldn't look at them. " We need to know about April.”
Mr. Hillard interrupted, “What does she have to do with all of this?”
Mrs. Hillard spoke over her aggitated husband “ What Charles has told us... We don't understand."
April's father, grasping how much trouble his wife was having, tried to reach Jessica. " You are a daughter to us. Please...why, " But he couldn't find the right words either. “It makes no sense, what they are telling us. “
Jep was machanical, " I didn't realize my mind was any of your business. " Her voice never shook. April's mother got up to go to Jep. " Jessie we love you, Whatever happened wasn't your fault. " Jep held her breath as Mrs. Hillard's voice was filled with sadness. " We can't lose you too. " Jep jerked away turning her back to them and staring out the window. She wouldn't tell them, she would be gone before they tried to pry at her again. Then hopefully she would find a way to die.
Jep sat in that room contemplating the many ways she could kill herself. The Hillards had left as quitely as they had entered. Debating the ways with much thought, she concluded that a drug overdose would be the best. Jep looked at her hands, April had not had an easy clean death. Why should she have the easy way out? After all Jep was the reason April was dead. A nurse walked in the room to take Jep back to her room,
" Come on, they left. " Jep was calm on the way back, she wouldn't blow her cover with the nurses. She would escape tonight. Jep had planned it all out in her head. The room was morbid now, the TV on, the bed unmade and the lights out. She liked it that way, dark just like she was inside. Jep lay in the bed for hours. When the time was right she called for the nurse.
The nurse came in to see what she wanted, "What's wrong Jessie? " She looked around to find Jessie-she wasn't in the bed. She opened the bathroom door. The nurse's lumpy body fell with the thud-the lamp on her head broken in to five neat big pieces. Jep looked back into the bathroom mirror. She frightened herself. It was shear joy that she saw in the eyes that stared back at her. She laughed to herself, " I didn't like her anyways. " Jep walked to the door stepping over the nurses body. She would have to hurry before someone noticed Ms. Harce was gone. Jep felt a strange guilt as she ran to the stairs. She pushed it into the corner of herself were she kept all the other emotions that threatened her. Her feet fell lightly on the cold white ground, she stopped before she reached the door. The guard had gone for a break just as he had each night, she hurried to the doors going through them to the empty staircases. It was going good. She would be to the old apartment before the hospital even knew she was gone.
Jep flew down the stairs with ease. The stairwells had an artificial look to them as she passed the second floor sign. All that lit her way was the pulsing florescent lights. Jep felt her legs grow weak as she reached the first floor, so much running over all these years. Rage powered her passage through the exit as she reached the bottom. Her head felt like it was floating above her as she ran through the door pushing it with all the energy left in her. Jep had ignored the feet rushing behind her and the prick in her arm. Nurses and visitors surrounded her vision before she felt herself slip into unconsciousness on the floor. She did not dream, and slept so that her body felt as if it had slept a good sleep, one that let her do so without fighting through a dream.
Jep woke in that same room she had awaken in weeks ago. Her vision was hazy from whatever drug they had given her to rest. It was the same as when she first woke but now a camera was placed in the corner to watch her. She had failed, but she would make it out of here. Jep watched the television trying to decide what her next move would be, she could run out now. They wouldn't even think she would try so soon, but no they probably had a guard outside her door now. Trying again would be difficult with that camera unless of course it broke, and if they put another one in that one would break too. Before she could think of another alternative the doctor came in slowing her process. " Jessie Harker, age...seventeen, came in with mild concussion and fever, stayed in coma for two weeks, recovered nicely, then hit a nurse over the head with a glass lamp, attempted to leave without approval...."
She watched him nod his head in confusion, "I think that whatever you were running from is still chasing you even here. " Jessie looked into the ceiling tiles to ignore him, he was just her doctor, what would he know. " Since we cannot control you or even be sure you will not try some stupid stunt like that again you are being moved to a different hospital. " Her eyes shot to his. He was talking about a nut house! People never get out of there and they watch you every second. She couldn't let that happen. " You can't! " She tried to cry just a little to convince him but the tears were hard to muster. " Please, I'll go bonkers in a place like that! " Yelling worked just as good.
" You're uncontrollable though Jessie, we can't have you here, we have other patients to take care of. " The doctor studied his new case, either she wasn't as stubborn as Ms. Geene had made her out to be or this girl was very clever, he opted for the ladder and played around her charades. " I'm sorry Jessie there is no other option. " Jep looked for something to get him to stay, " Please, I've been alone all my life..." not a lie were most of her life was concerned, but he was merely her doctor and her escape route, " I would die if I was left alone in a place like that."
It was a cruel way to get her to talk to him but it would work better than shoveling it out of her. " I see, I guess they wouldn't let the boy in there to see you. " The man watched as her eyes filled with shear hate, hate and fear.
Feeling her face tense, Jep could see he also had noticed. Jep washed it away, she had already said her goodbyes, but something told her she would not let them take him away from her like that, " They can't, You can't do that. " her eyes seared and she seen the chill run through him. She wasn't yelling but all the things that meant something to her were directed through those words. Why should she care? Why? She can't let it hurt her like this, she was going to kill herself anyway. Jep decided, " I will not go. I mean, runaway anymore. "
" Really? Can I have your word. " But he could not have that, Jep sighed, " No. " The doctor left. Didn't answer her and left. Her back met the mattress. It was hard and stale under her. Words she thought had staying inside her mind slipped through her open lips. " They would save a murderer April. "
She let her eyes fall on the window where for the first time some light escaped to her side of the room. \
Chapter 3
The recorder clicked on in his hands, " Case study of a One Jessica Harker. A patient now placed in the Harrison Hospital for an extreme case of pneumonia and severe malnutrition, the latter being set for finished rehabilitation as of August sixth. " He stopped looking around his room for some kind of comfort. Most cases he had were nothing more than a severe case of stress, but this. The torn diary in his left hand seemed to burn him. He had trespassed within it in some way. " It is too early to tell but from the insistence of Ms. Geene and the boy Charles she has been classified as having some form of borderline personality or ptsd; brought on by a violent childhood and a life on the streets of New Jersey. She has witnessed the death of her best friend and ......" The doctor stopped. Frowning down at his desk the man wondered at all the cases of adultery and simple little problems that people had brought to him over the years. Now there was Jessie. All the university education was not going to tell him how to approach this girl. She was something else. Something fragile and yet ready to attack. She was a wild animal trapped in a corner. A fragile animal, a dangerous animal. " As of now I have only one clue how I will speak to her. " Some one knocked on the door. Jessie opened it. She was dressed in new cloths the Hillards had brought for her but the jean coat hung over them oddly making them seem as broken down as the rest of her. " I was told to come here." Jep realized that she had been tricked into that room but would not give him a reaction.
" Yes, Jessie. Please sit down. " The doctor watched her sit, calmly as if the world had no worries. Her face was stone when she looked at him. He found himself tapping his pen, tense from the chill in the room. " Seems you have had an eventful couple years. Reported missing, resisting arrest, " the doctor stopped. " It seems you're a suspect in a murder case too. " Jep didn't even blink. She just stared right through him. If it was possible to see through the walls she might be watching squirrels in the pine trees. " I'd like to help you but I can't exactly do that if you don't want help." Jessie stood and walked to the door. " Ok then. Just tell the police I'll plead guilty and I'll be off your hands. " The doctor let Jessie leave. The door closed silently behind her. Whenever she stopped writing in the diary was what he needed to know to help her. She was wrapped in some kind of mysterious world that was all her own. But he certainly couldn't help Jessie if they took her to prison. Even if that is what she wanted.
Outside the office Jessie's shoulders sagged then she pulled them back up. It didn't matter why she killed him. He was dead and she did it. Guilty of murder, of breaking one of the ten commandments, and she deserved to die. Where of course didn't matter. April was dead, Charles had a good home and she was all alone. A nurse woke Jessie the next day. Not her usual nurse. A very sprite, and blonde thing not much older then her. Jessie sneered silently and almost secretly at her as she began to gather things in the room. " Oh, Well hello." The girl, Jessie wouldn't call her a woman, she had not earned that dignification in her mind yet, stopped what she was doing to tell her what she was doing in the room.
" You get to stay in our lovely Mental Health Facility, just up the road. " Jessie thought, that maybe, by the sound of her voice, and the looks on her face she was making some kind of sadistic jokes. Not that a girl like that could help but look like a imp getting ready to jack up your face with Smiley hammers, She might actually be trying to make some sort of sarcastic joke.
" You mean Nut Hut?" Jessica let it slip out.
" That's not a polite thing to say now. " She sort of frowned as she came over to put on latex gloves and pull out Jessies I.V. " Well..." Jessie couldn't think of what to say to her. It was pointless. " Well, Miss Jessica you don't earn a stay at the facility without doing something special to earn it. So learn to mind your manners."
So this is how it was going to work. Jessie made notes in her mind. " Ok."
" Ok what?" the imp put her blue rubbery hands on jessica's arm.
" Ok. I'll learn." With that, The Nurse Jerked out the I.V.
Jessie just stared at her. She didn't care about some stupid pain from a needle. She had had much worse. " Tough Gal' huh?" The sprite chipper nurse had turned into a greedy little mangy leprichaun hungry for some blood.
Jep smiled up at her. " No ma'am. When are we leaving?"
" Just wait here. Someone will come and get you. " With that she scooped up all her things and walked out the door in an all too much collected calm. Jessie addressed the ghost in her mind. April , You would have loved to have seen that. I never would have been strong without you. She stopped. Something was in her eye, and it was gopping up her vision. She began to rub it out, and it made things worse. " Damn eyes. God damn eyes. " Jessie was trying to get them clear when someone walked in. Heavy foot steps. She instinctively Jolted, then looked. It was the damn doctor from the other day. Was the man going to leave her be for one day? OOOOO.... An idea April. An Idea.
" Hey doc? What do I call you? I mean, I'm leaving and I'd like to have some name to call you by late at night. " Jessie used her best hospitality talents on him. The shifted hip, the bitten lip, the pouty eyes, the side shifting leg, and best of all, the voice of siren, as her teacher had called it.
" Jessica, You can call me Dr. Ni. " He seemed not the leased bit interested.
" Oh Dr. Ni, that works. But doesn't Ni, Mean, NO in old english?" She moved closer to talk to him more, Directly. " I mean. NO, isn't very pleasant. "
" Well Jessica. Dr. Ni, is what my patients call me, And when you get to the hospital, We can discuss things tomorrow. " His fierce brown eyes stared down at her, not budging at all on her whims, and his mustache, so much like her uncles, just emphasized that stern answer. Jessica suddenly backed off. Usually she would have fallowed through till the man was Outrageously red and backing out the door themselves, but she felt like cringing. Head held high and self assured dignity still hanging on by it's silver thread, Jessica swung gracefully out of the bed and walked to her window, as she heard his footsteps leave the room.
It felt like a victory in a small way. Or she could just finagle it so it could be. Either way. She had to figure out how it was she was going to kill herself. Too many safeguards in the hospitals. She looked around the room for any sign of sharp objects or things she could break silently. Nothing she found suited it's needs.
Chapter 4
The trip to the funny farm wasn't very long. And it was rather annoying all strapped down on the gurney. The ceiling of the ambulance wasn't that much fun to look at, and the lady cop was really not talkative or nice. Guess her tirade in the park wasn't a good thing amongst the police community.
She smiled. " It's a good thing" All these little catch phrases, and where are these people now? All these famous paintings, books, buildings, economics, mathematics, movies, All that stuff, They end up famous, Dead, in prison, Fizzled out, or after a while, Someone just replaces them. Then hey, If you're dead, You're not enjoying the fame. So what's the point? One of the staff members in the waiting room commented on her beautiful smile. She just smiled some more, and nodded. Should she tell them why she's smiling? Should she just tell them, " I'm smiling because Fame is lame when your dead, and you have no head, to be and do, the things they've said!" But no, That would just compromise her privacy of thought. Now she was just thinking too much. The man at the desk smiled at her and said, " Just need some signatures." Jessie looked at him head tilted like a dog trying to listen for some sort of recognizable cognition. " Does everyone here act cheery all the time?" Her head still looking for something she could grasp on too.
" Well, we try to help our patients in every way possible." He motioned with a wave of his arm to a big door where a loud buzzer went off. The police escorts were waved away in turn.
" Is that your answer? seriously?" She walked with him nervously, trying to hold her composure as she entered a locked building.
" Any answer is what you make of it, .... Jessica is it?"
" Call me Jessie.Actually Jep. " she tried to smile, but it probably came out as a sideways grin.
" Is that a nickname then?" They turned another corner.
" It's whatever you want it to be." Then she really did smile. She had used that line so many times, and it wasn't even something new. He would know what it meant. He didn't look at her and just muttered ok, as they entered a small room with dull lighting and ugly decorating.
" Wait here." He Walked out of the room and closed the door behind him before she could even sit down, which was perfectly all right with her. She wanted to see if they locked the doors on people. She went up to the door checking the handle. It moved. Good sign so far. She moved it slowly waiting for a click. Nothing...... Little more.. nothing. Still.... Nothing.
" Damn it!" She jarred the handle pulling and twisting. Then she bounced around looking for something to pick the lock. Giddlely she whispered, Well April, if they are watching with cameras, I can give em something to watch. She found a small Safety pin and a large paper-clip. She stuck her tongue out at whatever imaginary or real watching eyes there might be in the room and tucked the treasures away and sat down to begin plotting an escape. Just then the door to the room made a louder noise to open then she was expecting and she tried to pretend like it hadn't startled her, she didn't look to see who entered the room. Unfortunately more then one person was coming in. “Jessica, we'd like to see what you've got hiding in your cloths.”
It was then that she stopped from staring into the plastic foliage that stuck out of the painstaking detailed hand painted pottery, and looked at the four large men standing around the room with her host that had just been so courteous moments ago with her signing paperwork.
“ You want what?” It was a battle they wanted. Not some stupid paperclip and safety pin. They weren't that Muscled up to collect some improperly laid about items. The men began to move around and one of them, as she now noticed in a nicer set of cloths pulled out from some hidden place, a syringe.
“ We can do this the easy way, and you can just give us the paperclip and whatever else you have on you, or we can give you forcefull medication, to get the items.”
Jessica stood as if to gracefully give in to the will of the battalion that faced her.
“You just want me to hand over these?”
She showed them the paperclip she had, and a few quarters she had in her pocket. The man that had been kind and worth trusting now nodded to the group, “Ok. We'll do this the hard way.”
Jessica tried to go along side the men ducking and pushing her way, But their strength was not something she even had a whim against. She had made it past the first one, But the second had gotten an Iron grip on her arm and from there, she was taken down, once again with a needle. As she slipped into unconsciecness, she slipped out the words “Good grief April, How many times are they gonna jack me up?”
Waking was a whole new category of existence when she began to try and open her eyes. The brightness and comfortable cold were weighing her eyelids down. For 3 years she had come to know the habit of sleeping with an alarm in her mind, An alert system that would shock her out of her sleep and have her up and running at the sound of a rat's sneeze. This stale air, clean, sterilized and that sound coming from what seemed all around her, was sending her signals to run as fast as she could, and her body was not letting her move. She shuffled through memories to figure out why it was she wasn't running by now. Where was she? She had to be at the Hillard's. She had to be with April at her house spending a weekend off from school. That was the only explanation. Those 5 years were just some long nightmare. She was safe with April, and nothing was wrong. There was nothing wrong. She fell back into that hazy slumber where the reality couldn't reach her.
A voice interrupted her pleasant escape. She tried to ignore it. Tried to pretend it wasn't there. Somewhere words penetrated her forcefield of denial, and she heard “Dinner.” She rolled over in a scratchy blanket, on something rubbery. Reasoning told her that it had to be some inflatable bed that the Hillard's had. She was taking a nap. That was all. Those 5 years never happened. April would wake her up soon and they would talk all night about the kids at school, and the ways they could take to ride around the lake the today. Aprils brother , who was Oh! So cute, April hated that... her little world crumbled
“ You have to get up Jessie. You have to see the doctor. You can't spend every day in bed.”
“Yes I can.” Jep turned over in the wooden box on her plastic lined matt, “you've got me trapped here, What else do you want?”
“Don't you want to get better?”
“I am better.” Jep flashed a grin that meant only something meaningful that she would hold in her mind. The nurse turned away and walked out of the grey square room to let the mirror watch Jessie lay in her bed. Jep looked up at the mirror. “ Oh look.' She talked to April without saying her name. “they want to watch me while I widdle a way my Whiles.”
She started puckering her lips at the mirror and pretended to brush her hair. “You want crazy. “
“I'll give you crazy.” She started thinking then. April's wise words would have been to just play along and get out of the place so that she could live her life. Ok, then. She sighed as she turned and scooted herself over the bed instead of just walking around it. The fastest way from one point to another is a straight line, She thought as she looked back at the camera. They wouldn't read anything into that silly action would they? “Hey nurse?” She peeked her head out the door. No one answered. “ Hey?” A little louder and she still didn't get an answer though she heard the voices of the people moving about outside of her little isolation chamber. The invisible barrier that bound her in that room kept her from just walking out of it and pecking someone in the head for an answer. “ I gotta Piss in here!”
Then someone wheeled them selves still sitting in their chair to the open doorway to see what she was saying. It was a chubby fella, Not so bad looking, But apparently lazy as he didn't even get out of his chair to see what she needed. “ What is it Jessica.”
“I have to use the Restroom please.” Manners after all would help the whole, playing along thing April would have told her. The young man that she had addressed stood up, he took in her words and her face. Studied and scrutinized in her well worn through hospital gowns, the young man nodded to someone over his shoulder then turned back to a girl he thought maybe had finally broken into a sense of humility. “Ok. Fallow me then.” Jep didn't even bother to wrap her blanket around her. She wasn't showing anything with a gown worn backwards to cover her front, and a gown on the right way to cover her rear. She really didn't care who saw what was to be seen through the barely threaded gowns. What dignity could she have in a place like this? Besides, It was a nice cheap thrill to have the guys stare at her. A small turned up smile must have escaped because the worker must have seen some kind of recognition in the thoughts she had.
He coughed and told her firmly, “ You'll have to wrap that blanket around you. The bathroom is through the community section.”
Jep gave him a shy little confused pout. “No problem.” Then with that they walked through her first visit to a looney bin. Jep made sure she waved and smiled to every one she could. Showing off to all of them her bruises and scars on her arms. The worker again Coughed as they walked and with a low tone spoke over his shoulder to her when they got to the bathroom as he unlocked it.
“The waving isn't appropriate rate now.” She smiled at him and walked into the bathroom.
“ No problem.” She sat down lifting the heavy white blanket and tattery gowns onto her lap. She thought maybe she had been holding her Bladder hostage for a week. The room had a toilet, toilet paper roll, and a soap dispenser in it. How curious. That was all it had. How unfortunate. Nothing to play with, no destructive like toys. Jep finished and went up to the soap dispenser.She placed her hand under it looking for the push lever to put soap on her hands and clear pinkish jelly squeeled out robotically.
The boyish like worker knocked on the door and opened it slightly. “ Are you done?”
“ Well I hope so.” She looked him in the eyes to give him the message that she wasn't at all intimidated by the power he held over her. “ What is this thing anyways?” He opened the door all the way. “It's a hand sanitizer. It's got something like soap in it. Just put some on your hands and rub it in.”
“ So I don't wash it off then?” She didn't look at him now. It was a curiosity she had found. New things were something to keep her interest and to find ways to use on the street and to keep in memory for to use in emergency situations such as escaping a nut hatch.
“ Yes, that's right.” He gave her the first warm smile she had gotten in a long time. “My names Harold by the way. Just tell me if you need anything for the rest of the night.”
“ O..k...” Jep didn't know how to respond to that. Someone offering her something without something attached. So she decided there had to be something attached. Some price. So she decided that they were keeping notes and tabs on her, and if she talked to them, or asked for anything they would put it in some kind of psychological profile. With that thought in mind, her words with them should be closely chosen. They took her back to the small grey room. It was then that she really started to make tabs of everything she was brought into. The Harold guy as well as everyone else wore name tags. They had titles of their jobs on them, and degrees where people had degrees like S.W. for social worker, or M.D. for medical doctor. It was clear that they liked to keep the dumb ones from knowing what they truly were there for otherwise they'd spell it out. She noted also that the little identity tags only carried their first names.
Inside the room she started studying the few things inside. The bed was fitted for some sort of device to tie down the patients. It was then that Jep remembered being held down by something at some time when she awoke. But it was a fleeting memory, and not worth thinking about. She looked at her wrists where she had wripped her hands out of the handcuffs. “How long ago?..”
Dr. Ni had come to the doorway. Jep looked up and he was there. Wether some length of time had passed or he was that silent in his approach she wasn't sure. But he was there. “29 days.”
Jep looked at him in confusion. “29 days what?”
“29 days since you where found under the hill in Harrison Park.” He watched Jessie walk to the other side of the room and lean against a wall. She wrapped her arms around her crossing them so that he couldn't look at them anymore. “ Is that what you were referring too?”
“ Yes, I suppose it is.” She was starring through the wall. Watching something yet again. Whatever it was, It held her attention from whatever the Doctor was going to approach her with. “So, They told me you were going to talk to me. What do you want?”
“Well, we can discuss medication.” He watched. She still stood. Unmoving. Looking through the cedar blocks into some distant thing, or even some distant nothing.
“ Whatever you want.” She stared blankly and paused for a good 2 minutes. Dr.Ni just watched and waited for her to move. She never even blinked, then suddenly she spoke out as if no time had passed. “ Medication huh?” She turned to look at him. “What do you suppose I need Dr. Ni.” Her eyes were almost glazed. They looked at him, but yet it was as if she didn't see him at all.
“ How about we start you on a light mood stabilizer.” All the planning and decisions on how to approach her from the information collected from staff was useless, Just as much as she seemed to be a borderline, she seemed to be dissociating randomly and at whim.
“ Sounds good to me,” Her voice was monotoned and light. “ Go for it.” She moved herself to stare at the corner again. Then some kind of zap of energy sprung her around.
“ Hey when do you think I can get out of here?” Her eyes now met his. She could now see him and interact with him. She now talked to Dr. Ni. Jep wanted out of that room and this Dr. Ni was going to let her out. It wasn't fair, she thought anyways in her mind, that all those other lunatics got to run around free and she had to stay locked up in that tiny room. Jep thought about saying exactly that to them but noticed him starting to lean towards a no. His face and shoulders shrugging in a unpleasant way of 'I want to let ya out, But I can't' kind of excuse. She quickly formulated a different approach.
“ I won't try to run away no more, I mean, I know I can't get out. It's my birthday tomorrow. Come on. Please!” Dr. Ni caved in before she even got to the please. She didn't even have to use her street tactics on him. It was so strange that something as simple as truth had worked to get her what she wanted.
“This room isn't a punishment Jessica, It's to keep you safe. So if the staff thinks you aren't going to be safe, they'll have to put you back in here.” Jep turned her head to the side when he started to explain how the room wasn't a punishment, almost decided to argue with him, then the voice of April came to mind, It's not smart to argue with the gift horse, especially the one that can buck you off. So she straightened her posture so that she didn't look like some neglected animal, and started walking out the door with him as he motioned her to follow. The worker Harold wasn't at the small office that surrounded and guarded her little isolation cage. A grumpy tall women met her at the door as she tried to exit after Dr. Ni. She was quite striking really. But that attitude she spouted just knocked her beauty down to the level of some of the corner nailers she had stood with. They could be beautiful too, if they hadn't just been paid 20 $ to drink a guy's piss in the ally.
She held out her arm to stop Jep. “ You can't leave your room Jessica.” Jep even imagined some big spikey feathers stiking out of her pretty neat brunette bun.
Dr. Ni spoke up before Jep had her chance to Stick those imagined feathers rate where they belonged. “I let her have community privledges.” He let Jep walk pass him watching her do a triumphant walk to see what all she had been missing while she slept.
The brunette nurse walked closer to Dr. Ni. “ Are you sure about letting her out so early?”
He didn't try to mask his voice in a whisper as she had and just spoke in a normal voice. “No way to find out but to just let her out. She'll be an adult tomorrow anyways. About time someone lets her be one.” Without more explanation then that, he picked up some patient files and walked away, raincoat in hand.
Without even a chance to take a step into the room with a T.V. someone interrupted her hypnotic walk toward the colorful video box on the wall,
“HI!”
It approached her with a giddy little giggle and tapped her on the shoulder. Jep turned and tried not to sound angry. “ Hello. Do I know you?”
The young boy just stared at her, His dark olive skin turning almost yellow, and then it quickly turned back to it's olive and pink cheeks plumped up into a smile again. “Hi ! I'm Devon. I'm a patient too. Do you wanna play with me and some of the other kids in the gym?”
Jep started to look around her. There were pictures of animals and happy little children painted on the walls. She looked into the room she was about to enter, It was called the Children's Laughter Center. Ignoring the boy she walked quickly down the hall and saw that the doors all had Sunshines and smiley faces for the numbers. “Oh you've got to be Shitting me.” She yelled at April, Why would they stick me in with kids! Why would they put someone like me with these.....
She looked for an Exit sign. They lighted a way to a door. She followed them to a fire exit. The door wouldn't budge. She looked up to the ceiling and saw the foam tiles. She could barely push them up let alone climb up through the ceiling work. It was then that she heard the footsteps of the staff people. She turned to apologize. “Oh come on. Please. I didn't mean to freak out.”
Harold and the Corner nailer were there. “You can't just keep doing this and expect to be let run loose among the rest of the people here.” She looked desparately at Harold for sympathy. “I just panicked. That's all. Please?” The Brunette turned to yet another older staff person who had S.W. C.W. on his badge. He was not handsome at all, but he held a lot of dignity in his grey hair and Stuffy appearance. “Well, Then come sit by our office for a while and eat some dinner, then we'll let you rome about again if you want to.” He looked to Jep for her reply.
“ok.” She tried to be as humble as possible for the amount of writhing she was doing in her race for a way to get out of the child plagued surroundings. They all walked her back, and she sat to eat a dinner that was all too good, and way too little. She waited for them to take the tray away trying to get every speck off from it with the roll they had provided. A huge chest full of boobs with a name badge walked up with Reba on it. So the corner nailer was Reba. She looked down at Jep who stuffed the rest of the tiny roll in her mouth as if the woman was going to take it away with the tray. “Are you still hungry Jessica?” She remembered that she had to watch her words with them. If she told them yes, they might think she was there for the free food. If she told them no, they might think she had some sort of eating disorder.
“ It was delicious.” The lady smiled with her perfect teeth and sniffing nose and walked away with the empty tray. Jep watched the wall, thinking and listening to the workers talk at the computer behind the window blinds. It wasn't as if just because she couldn't see them, She couldn't hear them, apparently they did not know this, as they discussed an adult patient biting off the thumb of one of their co-workers. She looked at the wall and told the April in her mind, I won't ever betray you again. The white dirty walls just stood there, unchanging. The light didn't move the shadows until she blinked. The voices of the workers only mattered if she wanted them too. If only the last five years hadn't happened.

April climbed up into the Large platform that was a makeshift treehouse someone had never finished in her woods. Jep climbed up behind her with the Drawing book and pencils.
“ So, what did he say!” Jep slipped on her last step up and landed on her side with a small thud. April gasped reaching out to help her. When Jep started laughing April started smacking her shoulder. “Don't do that!”
Jep smiled, “Build a better Tree house!” Jep set down her stuff so that it wasn't jabbing her in the butt from where she had landed. “ok, so this is what he said, You'll never believe it”
The wall then became cement blocks again. Someone was ......... ( to be continued when I find time to write, let me know if it's worth finishing *Sarahssmiling2@yahoo.com* )