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Monday, November 8, 2010

Bi Polar?

Ok, so I've learned to control my Bipolar quite well but some days it is extremely difficult not to make moose ears with my hands and run laughing away from my house like a wild baboon. 

Well, not that extreme, but it makes the point I think.  I've been overly aggitated lately which is only compounded by the fact that things are going wonderfully.  I know that shouldn't make sense, but this is how it works....

All these things are good:
Big beautiful and healthy son who needs and loves me
Got approved for a home loan
Got hired in at work
Got loving parents that are there for me
Got awsome brothers who love me
Got good friends who want to be a part of my life

And then the little stuff nags... and I feel guilty because I shouldn't be so aggitated.
Have to wait until march to get a house (guilt! I should be happy I got a loan!)
Incompitence, paranoia and damage control are a minute by minute part of the job (Don't complain bitch you have a job! A real job!)
I can't send my kid to grandparents house for the weekend. I support one and the other has a wife who wouldn't approve. (guilt- I should be happy to be a mom and not want a weekend to myself. For Shame!)
Oh and the faternal grandparents have yet to try and contact me in over 2 years. (Kinda glad for it, shame on me.)
I'm always jealous of the private life of my brothers, the ability to make and choose on thier own and the willpower to do what they want.  (Stop wining and do it already, stop being a coward)
One friend is violent toward partner and a lush to boot, and the other is a hoity toity who thinks money determines the wealth of a man.   (they'll probably see this and hate me. I'm sick of waiving my personal beliefs to fit others)
My other long distance friends are living thier lives splendidly and I am sad that I screwed up went crazy and didn't get to join in on the ride. 

So what I do now is wait for all the negative crap to sweep out of my head (it usually does after a while) enjoy the little spurts of 'happy days' and wait for another round of the crappy days to pass. 

Is this how normal people do it?  Am I alone in how this works?  Is it so bad to want a day to yourself without feeling guilty about not spending the time with my child?  How do other people let this stuff go?  Does it just disappear like when you drop a piece of steak by the dog?   Am I a bad person for letting this negative stuff attach to the really great blessings I've been given?

I want it to snow.
I want the winter to wash away the dead
with white fluffy masses of ice
The people singing
the cold creeping
and then remind me
about my nice warm bed

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