Pumkin

It's strange sometimes.
the pumkin turns into a carriage, and the poor become wealthy.
I don't know what to type.  My grandma Fern may be dieing tonight, and my mom has made a trip to the hospital, an hour drive in michigan's winter. 

I was never scared of death until my son was born.  There was something at that moment, when I heard officailly that I was pregnant that now tied me forever to this world.  Tied me in a way that scared me.  I no longer even could ponder the thought of leaving it.  I want to see him in his first kidnegarten play, his first prom, his graduation, his wedding, and my grandchildren.  Hopefully in that order.

When I'd never think of death as something life changing before, now I'm frightened.  I don't want to lose loved ones, I don't want to miss out on thier lives, I want to be a part of thier lives.  My wealth is in my son's future, and in all of those who are a part of it. 

I was named after my great grandma, whom I was too little to remember, and my grandma Fern.  She would tell me she thought it was a shame they gave me that middle name, and I would tell her that I loved my middle name.   I think she just liked hearing me say that, cause she'd smile every time she told me.   The people in our family have a way of making it through even the worst health issues, and I'm hoping it'll be the same with my grandma tonight. 

As far apart as we were most of my life, I can still remember the yogurt and the cheese she'd give me.  I remember falling asleep at her house in one of those deep, rejuvenating kinda sleeps.  I remember always looking for that strange puppet she kept in the toys when we'd visit, and have it in my hopebox now, hair worn off and still the ugliest toy made for kids in history.  I remember wonderful times spent with my cousins,  in her company, looking through the books and playing with the toys.
I remember getting my first romance novel from her despite my mom's objections, and reading it for 8 hours straight (Wolf Song).  There are tiny things in life that make you who you are, bad or good, they influence your life forever.   Here's to my Grandma Fern, and the warm times spent with her, and my Aunts, Uncles and cousins at her house.  And here's to the wonderful daughter she produced in my mom, who's strength I've admired and covetted my entire life. 

I love my middle name.

Nellie Fern Tobey.