Tuesday, December 15, 2009


I've started to write a post about BPD a couple of times, but I just couldn't get the words to say what I wanted them too.

A stranger today gave me 4 tires he had at his house, simply because he overheard I couldn't buy one at the tire shop. It really made me feel like maybe mankind hasn't totally corrupted itself. So here's my attempt at giving something back, all-be-it an egotistical go at it.

For normal people, seeing a person with suicide like scars, is a scary and confusing thing. They are human, and I've found that the people that ask about the scars, are not being cruel, but curious, and honest about it. It has been over three years since I have injured, and I have no desire to do it ever again.

People like to ask, "why did you do it?" or "why?" and it's always hard to come up with an answer. For those that have never experienced addiction or mental breakdown, it can be really hard to understand. Here's how I'd like to explain it, I think it's an individual experience, but I'd think this is a common link.

Imagine if you will questioning on a daily basis your very existence, your right to breath, your ability to affect the world around you, or even the ownership of your own body.
Now imagine that in the midst of all that emotional chaos, and questioning, something falls and cuts open your finger, there is pain, there is blood, and now something else is in place of that turmoil. Like being pinched in a dream, or pinching yourself to make sure your not dreaming, control can be placed in your hands simply by causing an injury, pinch, cut or burn, whatever.

If it was the only way to relieve what was going on inside, would you do it? If nothing in the world seemed real or controllable but the contents of your skin, would you? How about when there is a charlie-horse, or a cramped toe, do you pull and poke and prod it to make it go away?

I guess the other thing I'm trying to convey is that it can, and will go away if you find a way to no longer need it. And for those who think this disorder is some way of getting attention....

If your dearest loved one was killing themselves slowly with poison, would you get them help, or ignore it because you don't understand it? Would you tell them to stop screaming for attention, or would you get them the help they desperately need?

Eh, I can't think of anything else to say on that subject at the moment. But I'm sure there is lots to say.

It gets better with work, It is an illness that needs to be treated, and human's are humans:Beautifully flawed, and blissfully ignorant