more art

I have a lot of paintings all over, these are just the ones in my possession. Had I known that I would one day create a blog, I might have documented more of them.

my Art

This is my Art, two are being auctioned at an Irish festival fund raiser.

Da Beautiful People

I just got done watching 'Surrogates', and it gave me that weird squishy feeling inside... Like someone that helped make that movie knew something about the world none of the rest of us do. Would it be so weird to find out that nobody is real?

Even before this movie I would get that feeling and the marylin Manson song, 'the beautiful people' would play in my head as I looked around at all the unrealistically pretty people that walked around me. I have to get my kid into bed, he's seriously feening for some keyboard and I need to get him in bed away from the tip tip tapping temptation. More on the unreal people later. Maybe I'll decide this post sounds a little insane and delete it. Eh, him in bed first.

Ahh!!! Nekid Baby!!!

BPD love

Here's another shot at explaining some more Borderline Personality stuff (for lack of a better word).

I just got off the phone with my boyfriend (who I've already broken up with twice for logical good reasons). Logical good reasons in Borderline relationships are actually hard to come by, so it's worth note.
Although I've come far in the field of close personal relationships, lovey dovey romantic bullshit still creeeeeps me out. I can't even watch non-comedic romances, cause I just want to spit at the screen and yell 'LIAR!'. So for those out there suffering the effects of those like me in their lives, or those afflicted with the strong desire to run from anything that looks like it could invade the heart, here's my unsolicited, uneducated, and certainly less then professional advice.

When the man or woman of your life is afraid of commitment, or afraid of the 'L' word, or if they just plain rollercoaster like a confused meteorite about their feelings, you have to make some decisions. Are you along for the ride, or are you gonna jump ship as soon as it looks like a crash? Is this person worth finishing the ride with? Even if you don't know how long the ride will last, or how much it might make your heart bungy between your guts and your throat?
We don't do this because we want to folks. It is a most painful experience to ride on the extremes of love and hate for so long. It is not a choice, but it is a learned response to anything that can devastate us. If the sky falls down every time you look up, pretty soon you either stop looking up, or you start putting a barrier up so that it can't fall when you look. Now I'm not saying that in logical reasonable circumstances a person shouldn't break a relationship off before it gets to ugly, but I am saying that sometimes we avoid that which is good for us just because the risk of getting hurt overrides our ability to accept that which can make us truly happy.
I have destroyed plenty enough relationships to know, and I have had a couple people who actually rode the whole way with me and never let go of me until the ride was over. They are the most treasured in my life, because they will never pull the sky down on me, and I know this because they put themselves in the way of my shrapnel many times.
Only a BPD can heal themselves, and it can be a lonely and terrifying experience, but if you can make it off the deck with some seats still filled, if you can stick by your BPD the whole way, there is a treasure waiting. A person who always rides the extremes of emotion, has a lot to give to a world who has washed away what it really means to be 'in love' with another person.

Eh, it makes sense in my head.

This is me and my friend Tamar building a giant canvas. The plan is to paint something for a friend, and the crooked frame was just something I always wanted to do. The wooden construction was done by the guys, then me and Tam did the stretching, gluing, bolting and stapling of the actual frame and canvas. I can't say what I'm painting, but I'd say sacrilegious fits, (the guy I'm painting it for doesn't want to know until he sees it finished).

I had a big ol' paragraph about my beliefs about false idols, but I decided it sounded a little extremist, so instead I only have this to say about 'desecrating' so called 'holy' art: That which is truly holy, can not be made, created, or dirtied by human kind. It can be forgotten, it can be lost, and it can even be found.
Then again, it all depends on what you believe, and I believe that when Michelangelo was painting the Sistine chapel, he had a young lover who's finger was smaller then his.

My child approved, so I am done painting her.
Most of the time I can never be satisfied with my pieces, but since my son felt like clapping at it, this one makes me happy.

BPD

I've started to write a post about BPD a couple of times, but I just couldn't get the words to say what I wanted them too.

A stranger today gave me 4 tires he had at his house, simply because he overheard I couldn't buy one at the tire shop. It really made me feel like maybe mankind hasn't totally corrupted itself. So here's my attempt at giving something back, all-be-it an egotistical go at it.

For normal people, seeing a person with suicide like scars, is a scary and confusing thing. They are human, and I've found that the people that ask about the scars, are not being cruel, but curious, and honest about it. It has been over three years since I have injured, and I have no desire to do it ever again.

People like to ask, "why did you do it?" or "why?" and it's always hard to come up with an answer. For those that have never experienced addiction or mental breakdown, it can be really hard to understand. Here's how I'd like to explain it, I think it's an individual experience, but I'd think this is a common link.

Imagine if you will questioning on a daily basis your very existence, your right to breath, your ability to affect the world around you, or even the ownership of your own body.
Now imagine that in the midst of all that emotional chaos, and questioning, something falls and cuts open your finger, there is pain, there is blood, and now something else is in place of that turmoil. Like being pinched in a dream, or pinching yourself to make sure your not dreaming, control can be placed in your hands simply by causing an injury, pinch, cut or burn, whatever.

If it was the only way to relieve what was going on inside, would you do it? If nothing in the world seemed real or controllable but the contents of your skin, would you? How about when there is a charlie-horse, or a cramped toe, do you pull and poke and prod it to make it go away?

I guess the other thing I'm trying to convey is that it can, and will go away if you find a way to no longer need it. And for those who think this disorder is some way of getting attention....

If your dearest loved one was killing themselves slowly with poison, would you get them help, or ignore it because you don't understand it? Would you tell them to stop screaming for attention, or would you get them the help they desperately need?

Eh, I can't think of anything else to say on that subject at the moment. But I'm sure there is lots to say.

It gets better with work, It is an illness that needs to be treated, and human's are humans:Beautifully flawed, and blissfully ignorant