bah.
The bad days are getting far and few between. Some are harder then others for sure. Days like today I'm asking myself, why did I come back to sanity again? Besides the stress of trying to be financially responsible, work and all that jazz, the world can now damage me. I can't remember much about those years, but I know that the world couldn't hurt me without my consent, or at least it seemed like it. I did the damage and the world couldn't stop me. It ( the world ) couldn't hurt me more then I hurt myself. Now all that self destruction haunts me. Failed relationships, debts, a closet of long sleeve shirts to keep away those who would instantly judge me.
My son definately grounds me, but that isn't his job. He's not responsible for wether or not I'm a good mom. More stress. I know the day will fade away when I wake up for work, and I'll feel better soon. I was just thinking that there might be others out there that feel the same way, struggle with the same things. Perhaps this is perfectly normal.
I was denied being a placement home for my cousin's baby because of my 'mental health history'. And she had to throw in 'criminal history'. A DUI when I was 17-18. I understand they were trying to good by the little guy, but damn that's a harsh blow. Couldn't they have denied me based on finances, or lack of space or time? On paper they made me look like a complete loser. The world strikes again.
On top of this, parenthood on certain days is extremely harder then I thought it was going to be. I'm still waiting for the school to call back so my son can be placed in a 'special ed' preschool. I was really hoping they could give me some answers. He's an amazing kid, but there are days he is defiant every step of the way. God bless his strong willed little heart, but I was not expecting so much defiance so early in his life. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it? The world strikes again.
I come home, I try to do right by my son, but I'm exhausted mentally and sometimes physically. Which isn't too bad, until I have a hard day. I want to go do something, get away from it for just a little bit, but then the guilt kicks in. Maybe my son is so defiant because he can sense I'm fustrated. Maybe I need to just stop being fustrated and tierd for him. But how? If I leave to do something, am I damaging him by going to the store by myself? Or going out for a walk? Will he think I'm abandoning him if I go away too much?
So I don't. I struggle through, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
I just wish there was a way to google it and find the answers I need. And he's out of bed again. I got 20 minutes to myself, and now I have to go to sleep so I can go to work and not fall asleep on the forklift. That's always a bad thing. Battery is going dead..... The world strikes again.
God takes care of his sparrows. Could I get a lift? Tomorrow will be better.
The bad days are getting far and few between. Some are harder then others for sure. Days like today I'm asking myself, why did I come back to sanity again? Besides the stress of trying to be financially responsible, work and all that jazz, the world can now damage me. I can't remember much about those years, but I know that the world couldn't hurt me without my consent, or at least it seemed like it. I did the damage and the world couldn't stop me. It ( the world ) couldn't hurt me more then I hurt myself. Now all that self destruction haunts me. Failed relationships, debts, a closet of long sleeve shirts to keep away those who would instantly judge me.
My son definately grounds me, but that isn't his job. He's not responsible for wether or not I'm a good mom. More stress. I know the day will fade away when I wake up for work, and I'll feel better soon. I was just thinking that there might be others out there that feel the same way, struggle with the same things. Perhaps this is perfectly normal.
I was denied being a placement home for my cousin's baby because of my 'mental health history'. And she had to throw in 'criminal history'. A DUI when I was 17-18. I understand they were trying to good by the little guy, but damn that's a harsh blow. Couldn't they have denied me based on finances, or lack of space or time? On paper they made me look like a complete loser. The world strikes again.
On top of this, parenthood on certain days is extremely harder then I thought it was going to be. I'm still waiting for the school to call back so my son can be placed in a 'special ed' preschool. I was really hoping they could give me some answers. He's an amazing kid, but there are days he is defiant every step of the way. God bless his strong willed little heart, but I was not expecting so much defiance so early in his life. What am I doing wrong? How do I fix it? The world strikes again.
I come home, I try to do right by my son, but I'm exhausted mentally and sometimes physically. Which isn't too bad, until I have a hard day. I want to go do something, get away from it for just a little bit, but then the guilt kicks in. Maybe my son is so defiant because he can sense I'm fustrated. Maybe I need to just stop being fustrated and tierd for him. But how? If I leave to do something, am I damaging him by going to the store by myself? Or going out for a walk? Will he think I'm abandoning him if I go away too much?
So I don't. I struggle through, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
I just wish there was a way to google it and find the answers I need. And he's out of bed again. I got 20 minutes to myself, and now I have to go to sleep so I can go to work and not fall asleep on the forklift. That's always a bad thing. Battery is going dead..... The world strikes again.
God takes care of his sparrows. Could I get a lift? Tomorrow will be better.
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