Fartmoodles: Chapter 1

Chapter 1
A life debt
by: Nellie Tobey
Edit 1

Steve, the pixie of the Fumonology clan, who's parents where not at all intrigued with naming their spawn in the Fartmoodle tradition, was seeking Tooty.

His job was to teach.  Tooty was a difficult student. At best she was the worst Fartmoodle at instigating any sort of methane dispersal he had ever known of.
She could usually be found smelling flowers, or searching for spices in the community vault.  Experimenting with spices was an educational pursuit.  On almost all occasions, a Fartmoodle had a duty to try a variety out on the humans.

Broccoli shavings were a huge success.  Chili powder a must have on any expedition.  Tooty had a different way of experimenting that some moodles thought shameful.  She would look over the log books, find failed combinations, or spices, and put it in her morning mash. No one understood this strange ritual, but the Fartmoodles were a very accepting breed, and truly believed, "Unto each their own".

*** But preferably a right nice whiff-er would accompany it. ***

  When Steve found his student, he was not pleased.  She happened to be on the outskirts of their village.  Taking her time outside to smell a flower that most Fartmoodles avoided for fear of ruining their senses for eternity.

*** Imagine a smell that sticks so hard in your memory that any time you even think about it, the olfactory part of the brain goes haywire and will only percieve that memory of that particular smell. ***

Steve stayed well away, and yelled into the tall grasses where he could see a pair of spiky wings fluttering madly in the distance.
   "Oi!"  she might have heard him.
   "O i  !,   Miss Tooty!!  We have a lesson and you are very late!"
   Tooty heard the voice of her young instructor, and took another great sniff of the deep blue blossom--(half the size of her head, and OH so fragrant).  If she were forced to go hunting for human emissions today, at least she could hold on to this one for a small time.
   Steve stood, arms propped on his hips, looking very annoyed. Tooty understood that the others hated the flowers, but why, she could not fathom.
   "We should have left for the human space hours ago!" Steve wanted to grab her arm and run.  The pollen was way too close.
   Tooty smoothed out her long thread bare tunic and cinched her belt tightly for travel.  "Where we going professor?"
   While she despised these lessons, Steve was a good pixie, dedicated and knowledgeable in all things gas related.
   "I am going to introduce you to the super-market" Steve had a slight grin on his face that said he was about to impart a prized secret upon her.
   Tooty nodded her head and looped her arm into his.  "I'm ready."
   With a 'pop' and a 'fizz' and a little bit of waving around of mystical forces, Steve transported them to the nearest grocery.

   They stood, about 13 inches tall, invisible to the humans, on top of the middle freezer of the frozen food isle.
   Tooty was curious. "But they don't eat here, they just buy food.  What is this?"
   Steve beckoned her to follow and fluttered down to the glass door beneath them.   "Do you see what is in there?"
   Tooty was not very good at reading the language yet, but the picture on the packages had food stuffs, wrapped in a bread like blanket, filled with some brown mush. The word she did recognize was 'spicy'.  " Are those....  Burritos?"
   Steve beemed with pride.  While his student had no capability in scent, She was quite a rare connoisseur of edibles.  Useless in most parts of the moodle tradition, but still a skill that he could work with.
   *** Fartmoodles were devoid of real taste buds, and had no need to eat anything that didn't give them  nutritional and energy efficient fuel for the day.  That is, all of them except Tooty.  Which will be discovered much to late in this story to matter. ***

   Steve waited for a human to approach who looked interested in this particular section.  "Follow me."  Steve carefully made his way up to the woman's ear.  "This lesson is about persuasion."  Steve cleared his throat and began yelling quite fiercely into the female's ear.  "THOSE BUrrITOS LOOK MIGHTY GOOD!"
   Tooty watched the woman debating about the contents of the lower shelves.
   Steve brought Tooty in closer.  "You try.  Yell real loud, but do try to enunciate."
   Tooty took a nice deep breath. "THOSE THINGS WILL MAKE YOU CRAVE BEER AND CHIPS LATER!  BEANS ARE MAGICAL!"
   Steve shook his head... that would never work....  But then the human opened the door.  He was in awe, and did not realize that Tooty had jumped out of the way.  He was firmly on the other side of the door watching the giant hand reach in to the plastic wrapped bundles to grab quite a few of the target.
    He smiled up at Tooty, saw the look of horror on her face too late, as he was closed into the frigid temple.
   *** Any container that held Burrito's in such a loving and protective way was deemed a temple.  It was declared in 1942 by the high Foomagate, after a particularly rancorous session of parliament in which many Fartmoodles had campaigned to get a burrito dinner served to the European courts for lunch.***

   Tooty flew to the handle and tried to open the very large, very heavy, and very cold door.  Two were required for the pop fizz travel, and he could not escape on his own.
    Steve remained calm.  He flung his arms up, laid a top the Bean and Cheese, and said a silent prayer to his mothers of old. It was really not a bad place to die.
    Tooty however, was not a pixie that gave up.  She flew widely around screaming into the ears of humans:
   "YOU MUST VISIT THE BURRITOS!"
  One couple with a small child debated this:
  "Oh man, burrito's sound really good."
  The other rubbed the lower part of it's abdomen, "Not after last night."
  The first one, "I told you to be careful with that wasabi."
  The child pointed at Tooty, and laughed. "That's like the one we had in our house last night!"
  It had to be her cousin Maloudorous.  He was quite in favor of naming Wasabi a tribal treasure, and brought it up at almost every family meeting.
  She had to try something else.
  She headed toward the cheeses screaming, "DON't YOU CCraVE SOMETHING SPICEY!!"
  A young male seemed to have heard her, and was glancing at some pepper jack cheese. It had to work. "THAT wOULD GO GLORIOUSLY WITH A MICROWAVE BURRITO!!!!"
  She had heard of the microwave, a cooking device the humans used, but only knew it was the Most Holy Temple of Modern Warming. She hoped one day to see it in action, but preferably not from the inside. A distant Welshian cousin got blown up by accident in one on his inauguration night.  Whiskey was definitely involved.
  The boy human headed toward Steve's freezer.  She flew as fast as the little wings would allow, to alert Steve to be ready to flee. 

She pounded on the glass, as the male approached. Her instructor, with his eyes clamped shut in prayer to the Mother of Noxious Expulsions, looked up at her in surprise.
   He noticed the hand reaching for the handle and got ready to bolt.  And he did.

   They sat on that dusty freezer top for a long time before Steve reached over to hold Tootie's hand.  "I owe you a life debt.  You have saved me."
  Tooty blushed, as much as a pixie could blush.  While they came in every sort of color imaginable, Tooty had been born a certain kind of violet, that resisted any real definitive aberrance of color differentiation.  Her hair though did glow a slight green.
  "You would have done the same for me..."  She smiled.  This had been her favorite lesson thus far.
  As they sat, a certain older male came through the isle.  He looked around a bit suspiciously and you could hear the slight rumble of a Fartmoodle's favorite thing.
   Tooty's nose crinkled uncontrollably.  Steve took large grand sniffs and smiled with the widest sharp toothed grin any pixie could muster without looking completely insane.
   "That Tooty is your second lesson of the day!"
   She tried not to be rude as she covered the gagging sensation.  "Why the hell is it so bad!"
   Steve frowned, but was not offended by the trouble Tooty had with the most divine odors. "My dear, when the air is cold, and does not circulate well, This is what we call,  'the linger'."  Tooty did seem a bit weakened by it's magnificance.
   And now it was not her favorite lesson, but almost assuredly the most memorable.
   "Let's get back home."  Tooty was eagerly wrapping her arm into his when they popped, fizzed, and whirled away.   
   

How to capture a Fartmoodle; Introduction

How to Capture a Fartmoodle
Introduction:
By Nellie Tobey (bearing no Welshian Gremlin ancestry!)
Edit 1


The Pixie in this story is a distant relation to the Welshian Gremlin.
Who are second cousin to the American Fairies of the Colorado Dry season, and third cousin to the pixie's of Maple Falls North North America.

As the Gremlin's do not bare any resemblance to the Fairies, or the Pixies, one could argue there was no relation at all.

But if you were ever at an Irish pub, and the third whiskey you ordered seemed extraordinarily strong, you might argue quite the opposite.

***The Welshian Gremlins were not prone to mess with your first drink - as that is quite rude. If you made it to your sixth drink, a gremlin was considered a roaring success among his peers.And if you happened to fall onto your backside, a special medal of honor was given to that particular warrior.  If you happened to fall on your front, he was nominated as the clan leader.***

The Fartmoodle pixies had a very similar mischief. Fiber was a friend.
Chili beans were sacred. And any human with Lactose intolerance had their name whispered in honorific tones.

The heroine of this story however, lacked a certain, olfactory palette suited to those of her kind.  What smelled especially nice to the rest, was obnoxious to her. 
  Tooty, the daughter of the Grand master of odorous exhibitions, Cheese cutter clan,  was not pleased with the smell produced by any of their antics. So thus our story begins.

feed them

I haven't done poetry in a long time, forgive me.


Food.

I knew I'd be nothing special
in this world.
But human is;
to keep trying.
To the lady at the pharmacey. I..
might have been.
Without name.
She made the sign for food.
So happily she smiled.
to one person,
without name, I may
have been.
She was beyond her years
and I may not be a memory long;
but in my soul,
I know.
And that is all that matters.

-Nellie Tobey

I/O

They woke up in New Mexico, felt thier bodies to see what shape they had taken after the long rest. Gram was pleased to find he was still male as he reached to feel if he still had the nethers attached. "Oh good.  Females are just way too complicated."  He looked over at his counter part Max.

Max felt the ample boosom and size 14 hips. "I don't know, I've gotten used to it."
They found the nearest town and nicked some cloths before they made themselves visible to the life around them.

"How long did that take?"  Gram was looking around at the  changes that occured during thier time away from the world.

Max was looking into a store window front at a display of smart phones and pointed at the date. "Oh wow."

Gram was paying more attention to a gadget that displayed global location.
"Whatever that was, lets not do that again.  I mean, that meteor shower when we were the giant lizard birds, that gave us a nice change in the ocean."
the humans had popped up and taken that one away. Gram had been disappointed at first.   " I don't want to be another species.  I rather like being human."

Max agreed. "The ocean was so boring." She wasn't ready to tell him she sometimes regretted being separated from Gram.

Gram nodded and headed into the store.  Max sighed and followed him in.
After figuring out that money hadn't changed too much Gram ended up purchasing contract smart phones for Max and himself.

He wanted many gadgets, but something called a credit card was needed for a 'subscription', and to materialize it, they needed to know how it worked. Max was chomping at the bit to find out how all the new technology worked. Gram had to remind her many times not to start taking things apart in the store.

After a meal at the closest place serving meat... Max nor Gram had lost their taste for a nice chunk of animal muscle; they started figuring out what would be next.  They walked to a nearby park bench to watch the humans and talk.

"I don't know.  I'm not sure I want to find out what the humans have come up with now to kill each other with."  Max was staring at a couple with a baby in the distance.

Max was usually the voice of reason, but Gram knew how to persuade her.
"But the chainsaws!  You remember those... Oh it was glorious.  And we were back in a blink." Max giggled.  After millions of years, the only thing that made them happy anymore was to find rest.Rest meant killing off their forms, and coming back in new ones. The means by which they destroyed their bodies was just a test of how creative they could be, it had become a game to keep
them occupied."You got to admit, out of all the species, these humans have the best way to destroy things."

"I think they're the only ones that try to."  Max pushed on the phone's screen trying to see how it worked. Gram nodded in agreement. A couple walked by with a large shaggy mutt.  "It would be nice if we could come back as something
other then a predator.  I wouldn't mind trying out a peaceful existence."

Max looked at Gram in shock. "Really?" Max thought of the ocean.

Gram nodded. "Haven't you ever wondered why we always have to be the apex species?"

Max set the phone on her lap. "Well no."  She could tell Gram was having a moment.  They were rare.  This might be only
the twelfth in their whole existence.

"And why can't we interfere? We could change it... Why won't chaos let us do anything but observe and rest."

Max now started to feel very concerned.  "You know what will make you feel better Gram?"

Gram was feeling quite gloomy indeed. "A gun shop?"

Max smiled. "Let's go see what new toys they've made while we were gone."

Apparently the humans had made laws so buying the really fun toys involved official papers and documents. After realizing that to get the really destructive looking ones they'd need to pass some kind of government check, it had ruined the plan.

Max was angry after they left the shop. "Well we can't materialize it without seeing how it works! If he would have let me disassemble it!"

Gram looked down at his hands.  "Max?"

Max turned quickly and looked at him. "What!"
Gram's hands had a strange rash on them.
"What in the world is that?" Max pulled his hand to her and examined it.  "We don't get their illnesses..."

Gram felt human fear for the first time. "What is it!?"

Max felt the same thing. "We take you to a doctor."

Gram pulled his hand away. "We don't die, and we can't."

She placed her hand over her heart. "Chaos."  Then she made up her mind.
"I don't care, we're not breaking the rules just by getting a doctor to look at it.  We just won't let them do any tests. Tomorrow we go, I don't care."

That night as they lay in the motel room, another strange thing happened, they got tired. "I think I want to sleep Gram."  Gram looked at Max in disbelief.
"What the hell is happening to us?" She laid her head on the pillow and looked at Gram's hand again.

Gram had an idea.  "I want to try something."  He went to the bathroom and smashed the mirror. Walking back in with a large blade of glass he held it to Max's throte.
"Well, we haven't done this one in a while."  She smiled at Gram.  "I'll be back in a blink."

Gram smiled down at her.  And sliced her open.  Once her body stopped working, it's particles split apart and began to re-establish into the new form. The old blood that had left her joined the particles as they reformed. 
She hadn't changed much.  Her hair was slightly curlier, her skin slightly more speckled.

Her eyes popped open. "Gram?"

He put his hand on her shoulder. "What?"

"I always liked that one." She smiled, then coughed.

Gram looked at her throat,  there was a slight discolor where he had sliced her other body. "That thing...  That nuclear test,  it did something."  Gram stood up and walked to the window. Gram tapped on the window as he said, " We need to talk to chaos."

Max rubbed her throat feeling for what Gram had seen, "Oh I hate talking to chaos... It's so uncomfortable."

Gram agreed whole heartedly, but saw no choice. "This is what we do. We observe and if something is going truly off course, we report."

Max still felt sleepy. "Well maybe chaos will fix what's wrong with us."  She yawned. "But I doubt it. Chaos wouldn't help when the meteor was coming, why would it do anything now?"

Gram felt another new human piece seep in. "I'm starting to think chaos doesn't have the power."

Max beckoned Gram to the bed.  "Let's try sleep.  A lot of these humans talk about dreams. I'd love to see what those are like."

Gram looked at his hand, then at Max.  She was, what was she.... he wanted to memorize her face... this face... Which was crazy,  they had changed so many times, it wouldn't stay, but it hadn't changed hardly at all when he blinked her.

Gram climbed under the covers and found himself throwing his arm around Max in an embrace after she had fallen asleep. Then he too felt the slip away, it was like the blink, but he was still there, and peaceful.  So peaceful.

Max shook Gram awake. The look on her face was panic.  He had seen humans panic.  Never Max, this was panic. He looked up to where Max was looking.

Chaos had chosen a very splendid female form, an elegant 1920's ball gown and a crown of fire.  Chaos did love appearances.

"So you two wanted to report something?"  She looked at the two of them impatiently.
Max got out of bed and sat on the floor.  "Something is really deviant.  Our bodies are becoming prone to the world, prone to the human variance." 
Gram walked over and presented his hand,  the rash now was spread and looked redder then it had the day before.

Chaos examined it a moment turning it over again and again, a look of perplextion across the human face she had chosen.
"How did you two, what do you call it when you kill your bodies?" Chaos grinned wickedly. "Blink the last time?"

Gram and Max looked at each other nervously. 
Max coughed, then spoke timidly, "Something called 'the Manhattan project'."

Chaos raised her eyebrows. "How long did it take to re-form?"

Gram spoke this time. "Seventy five years."

Chaos was angry.  The crown of flames spittered and grew. "I thought I had more time."  She looked at the two of them.

Her crown of flames extinguished and she drew them in like children.
"You did the right thing Gram.  Max you two have been my loyal and faithful servants. I will miss you."
Gram and Max looked at each other, the fear that they recently aquired spiking inside. "What do you mean?"

Chaos patted them on the head. "I'm afraid I've known for a while the humans are too dangerous to our world. But they are just so much fun.  I didn't want to lose them."

Gram and Max could see where this was going.  They had seen it before, with a species that hadn't lasted long before chaos led them down a path that wiped the planet clear for a long while.  They had come back as the teethy meat eaters then.

"Can't we do something?" Max was pleading.  She had grown too fond of the humans. Gram was looking at his hand, the red sores starting to itch. He had never felt an itch.  Pain and illness was never a part of the experience.

Chaos thought on it.  "I don't think there is time my two darlings. There are things in process that these humans are not willing to reverse, or are not capable of.  We can not force them to do anything."
Chaos paced for a bit, calculating. "We don't have the time, it has to be reset."

Max sighed.  Gram nodded.

Chaos smiled.  "So what do you think? Shall we ask her for a massive continental shift again, or see if she has any new tools up her sleeves since these humans have altered things so much?"

Gram hoped the next species still got to eat meat. If they even ate.

Max started to cry, but she couldn't understand what the tears meant.









 









    

First do no harm

I walk the boys to school in the morning with my sister's dog.  He's a big fluffy harmless thing.

There's a grandma who walks her grand daughter to school occasionally who is afraid of the big fluffy people lover.  She shuffles her grand daughter way to the side and watches the dog as if he is going to lunge any moment as we pass.

She is usually running late and is coming to the school as I leave. The last couple weeks she has been bringing her grand daughter every day it seems like. I started pulling him way to the side when I seen her coming and holding him still, but I realized that the best thing to do, to make it easier for her, was to cross the road with the over friendly ball of fury after the boys head in for their education.

It costs me nothing in the grand scheme of things.

She probably doesn't realize it.  She probably has no idea.  Does it matter?

The point is:

Leave the world a better place.  Butterfly effect.
If something you do has a negative impact on someone else, why do it?
Can you change it?
Will it cost you something to do it differently?
If it does cost you, is the price so high, that it is not worth paying to make a positive impact? (Because that impact might just be for you or yours in the end)

code stuff now on new blog

I started a whole new blog just for coding stuffs I am doing.
I don't even think this blog has viewers anymore,  but thanks for all the views from ages ago!

My new blog is CamelCaseNoodles,  under my name, Nellie Tobey.

Hope to see you all there!

Final destination. Industrial

I think they should do the next final destination as one long premonition.  In some sort of large, spooky, scary industrial complex.  Lots and lots of ways to gruesomely rip people apart.  Or smush em, or electrocute them, or make em fall...  So they can set it up,  alarms going off, and then our lone hero has to stop the catastrophic failure of his machine/department.  Then things just keep going wrong, and people keep getting slaughtered, and then by the end of the movie, he wakes up and realizes it's a premonition and then just keeps doing his job anyways.... Ta da, the end. 
I really think it would be a nice twist on the story. 


Anyhoo, before they use my idea, and I get no credit.  LOL.

~Nellie Tobey