Fartmoodles: chapter 4

How to Capture a Fartmoodle
Chapter 4: -- locked and loaded --
Edit: message from gremlins has changed
by: Nellie Tobey


   It was dark when they popped back into the village.  Steve was in awe of Tooty, she really was spectacular.  "You knew?  How long did you know?"
   She felt like blushing again, it was really a matter of perspective.  "The spot we arrived on, had a patch of imp blossoms in the distance."
   Steve frowned.  "I didn't see them.... How did I not see them?"
   Tooty patted him on his shoulder as they headed to the cellars to see what foodstuffs had been left over from dinner.  "Well they were behind a very massive troll who threatened to eat us when you introduced yourself."
    Steve felt her warm hand on his shoulder leave, and was a bit sad for it.  "You're right of course.  I should have prepared for that mission so much better.  I put you in danger and as your professor ...."
    Tooty opened the wine cork assembly that made the door to the underground cellar. "You really did a great job Steve, there is no way you could have known. I won't tell my mother, I promise."  She started down the stairs and turned around.  " You are my favorite teacher."
  Steve smiled despite trying not to.  "I guess that makes you my favorite student.  Even though this all might end up killing me."
  Steve lit the tea light candle that sat at the bottom of the stairs.  A simple trick most Fartmoodles learned early.  The number 1 rule taught along with this trick was never use it on a mission.  Flammable gases were never too far away.
  Tooty looked into the large covered tin coffee cup that held the nights feast.
She stuck a finger in the grool, and tasting it made a 'Blech!' noise, then began scooping a bowl out for Steve.
  "I almost wish I knew what this 'taste' felt like.  It really is all the same to me."  Steve took the bowl from Tooty's outstretched hand.  Tooty scooped out a smaller bowl for herself and began dousing it in some powdered pepper and Coriander she had pocketed at the Troll's house.
  "Listen Steve, I really appreciate your lessons, I really do but,"  She finished stirring her bowl and headed back up the flat rock steps.  "I have battle training tomorrow and I really have to get some rest."
  Steve had a turn to blush now.  His hair shimmered a dark auburn.  It might have curled a little bit more then usual too.  "Yes your grace, I will see you next week."   They exchanged a belly salutation.  Steve put on his serious face. "And please DO be on time for once."
   Tooty nodded and headed home.  The biggest, stinkiest tree in all the village, but she had a remedy for that.  A sesame seed in each nostril helped a lot, especially if it were soaked in peppermint for a couple days before storage in one of the many essential pockets of her half-dress.

  Upon entering the cavernous stump Tooty realized it was echoing the sounds argument.  Her mother sounded ready to throw a caterpillar.   Which she has done on a few occasions.  "I'm not sending anyone into Welshian territory!"
   A slightly familiar voice answered.  "You know it may be better for everyone, She just isn't like the rest of you."  It was her great uncle FunkUnder.
  The Queen was actually sounding flustered.  Tooty approached the great hall slowly, trying to catch what they might be up to.  "I don't care if she's not like us, and if anyone in this village has any desire to express so, THEY can go to live with those troll loving TeaTotalers!"
   *** Some words do get lost in translation, but it is close enough to the intention that being called a TeaTotaler in the gremlin world was similar to be calling a ButtBubbler in Pixie cultures.  Mostly those who were NOT of the Fartmoodle clan.  It was actually the first badge earned by pixie scouts of this clan. ***
  Tooty understood it was about her, and stopped where she stood to hear the conversation's conclusion.
  Her uncle popped open a bottle. With the air growing a bit light, and humorous, from it's scent, FloofMuch was inclined to distill her temper.  "You can't bribe me with that swill."   As she said this, she grabbed her goblet and handed it to him. It was difficult to maintain her royal composure in his gnarled ancient presence. He had taught her mother how to sew, how to fight, and how to sneak into the best pub kitchens in all the continent.  A skill her mother had personally taught her, and one she intended on teaching Tooty this summer.
  FunkUnder pulled a scroll from a great deep pocket in the tail of his coat.  He took a rather large swig from the bottle, and unrolled the fuzzy parchment.  "We the clan of HammeredByMorning do request an emissary from the clan of the Fartmoodles of the most Southern border.  We are in need of assistance in dealing with a particularly difficult crop of humans. A strange substance is putting our clan in eminent danger."
   Tooty gasped.  The HammeredByMorning's were said to be instrumental in bringing hops to the America's.  The queen offered her uncle the empty goblet.  "Please, no more of this fowl liquid."  Her uncle started pouring it in.
   He lowered himself into a soft patch of cotton near the queen.  "She would be excellent, and you know it Floof."  He pulled another bottle of swill from yet another hidden pocket.  "You saw it.  You and me both.  The way she handled that troll was ingenious.  She has the taste.  She's perfect for this, and it would bridge us to that continent for future generations!"
   The Queen slammed her goblet down and knocked it accross the room. "I'll give up my crown and take her to the land of Maple Fairies before I see those Welshians take her from me."  Tooty decided it was time to announce herself.
She picked up the goblet that had rolled to rest by her feet.
   "Greetings uncle!"  Tooty bounced into the room and into his open arms.  Male's from their bloodline were known for the most exquisite hugs.  "Are you guys drinking Goblin Punch???"
   FunkUnder shoved the bottle into a flap in his vest , and it disappeared.  "Well you are too young for any of that talk missy!" Uncle FunkUnder bowed out of the conversation and moved into a corner to give them some room.  The bottle from his vest magically appeared, and was just as magically emptied.
   Tooty went into a repectful kneel.
   The queen having watched the events of her daughter's day could not help but glow with pride.  Which for FloofMuch was a certain almost visible ultra-violet.  "You did so well today my daughter, I can't imagine how I would have felt if you had to let the troll eat Steve."  Tooty giggled, and then rushed up to her Mother for a hug.
  "Why didn't you tell me you'd be watching?" Tooty pinched her Mom's ear.
  The queen pinched her back.  "Would you really be able to claim that victory for yourself, if you had acted knowing I could interfere at any time to remedy it for you?"
   *** In the mass off cotton and willow dandruff in the corner, the great FunkUnder was pulling out his third bottle of punch.  He was curious how the troll had managed to stockpile so much of it.  The Goblins weren't necessarily given to trade. ***
  The queen cleared her throat and pulled out the scroll Tooty had seen her uncle reading earlier.  "He seems to think you would be perfect for this."  Floof motioned to the inebriated uncle now wondering how exactly he had gotten into such luck to find a blue patch in the willow dandruff he was about to lay his head on.
   "I would miss you terrifically."  Tooty held her mother's hand.
   The Queen didn't think she could glow any more then she already was.  "I will be anticipating your triumphant return to me."
   FunkUnder, was out by the time Tooty and her Mother ironed out the proper supplies and necessary precautions that must be taken with them to survive among the Gremlins.  The queen even handed her the copper goblet she had been drinking from earlier.  "It was a gift from your aunt ThoofUnder."                 
  FunkUnder stirred for a minute in panic then fell back to sleep, mumbling " ... I didn't do it"
  Tooty admired the clearly advanced skill of the goblet while FloofMuch explained. "It will render the Goblin power over that delicious liquid impotent. You could drink one under the table if necessary, but one must account for the needed bladder space."
  Tooty studied it, turning it over in her hands and examining the strange symbols around it's rim. "It's glorious mother, thank you!"  Tooty frowned about the idea she had been having, but decided to go for it.  "Mother, I do have a request."
  The Queen walked over to her uncle, draping him in the blanket nearby.  "Anything you need."
  Tooty hesitated.  "I want Steve to come with me."  The Queen was a little shocked.
  "Do you hate him that much?"  The Queen started planning for two bride's at her daughter's ceremony,  she had rather gotten attached to the idea of an academic in the bloodline.
  Tooty's whole body started to radiate a halo -- the color of sunshine reflected from the fresh spring grass peaking through the melting snow.  "Not at all Mom."

That morning:
  The queen arranged for uncle FunkUnder to deliver and give the news to Steve and his family.  Although an honor to be sent on an expeditionary mission of such magnitude, it was also rare for a Fartmoodle to return home.  His family needed time to plan a departure party, and time to gather their goodbyes.
  The queen was in her chambers with the king, consoling him as he softly cried.
"Dear, honestly.  You should have seen her!  She handled that troll better then any number or quantity your warriors could have."   He straightened himself up and tugged at his vest.
  "You really think she'll be able to handle those TeaTotalers?"  the king was asking with doubts still grasping at his heartstrings.
  "I really do."  The Queen brushed her hands over the tips of his lower wings.  "Do you remember that time in the barn after we ran those trouble making demons from our favorite pub?"
  The king grinned, and started to glow a bit like hot embers. "She'll be fine, lets fluff this mattress a bit."

  When Steve approached Tooty training with the large sewing needles, he was furious. He waited until she was done.  Watching her take on much bigger, and stronger moodles, his anger started to ebb.  She was fierce.  And her trainers were struggling to keep up.
  When she pinned one with her foot, and the other at the tip of her tiny saber, she smiled at Steve with a sweaty brow, and eyes filled with excitement. "You've recieved the news!"   Tooty released her trainers, and helped both of them off the ground with a great effort.  She was exhausted, but she had won.  "I know you probably want nothing to do with this, and for that I'm sorry."
  Steve had been ready to give her a speech about betrayal and the loss of friend-ship, and to resign his services as her teacher.
***When FunkUnder delivered the scroll, he had been too infected with a headache of historical proportions to mention any details other then, "The queen said you are going."  He did not mention it would not be alone.***
  "Wait..."  Steve looked at the royal Stump in the distance being decorated for an elaborate celebration.  "We are both going?"
   "I wouldn't want to go without you."  Steve did not take this as intended, because well, no one would want to go regardless.
   "I suppose I'm honored then."  Steve did a curtsy, and his anger was replaced with a kind of dim appreciation.  "And, I do think I would feel much more protected at your side, then if I had to stay in your mother's presence when you leave."
  Tooty giggled, and beckoned him in for a hug.  It was a tiny bit awkward, but both of them decided it was their new favorite thing.  "I'll keep you safe, and you keep me educated.  We're partners now."
  Steve bent over and picked up one of the discarded plastic skewers. "Well maybe it's time you taught me something."  Tooty looked over at the pink and red fungus's being placed all over the stump.  She would really need to see her father before they departed, and hopefully before the party.
  Tooty found a suitable foam target for Steve to hit.  "Ok, so first thing is ...."
Tooty adjusted Steve's grip, loosening his grasp on the handle.  "Remember the bigger creatures can be startled with just the right stab, in the right place."
  Tooty dragged the giant foam finger into the air onto the platform. It was made from sticks and twigs to hold a posable mannequin hand at just the right angle. But after a few children had taken habit to arranging the fingers in a obnoxious manner, it was moved to storage.
  Tooty pointed the inner rim of the fingernail, where humans are most sensitive to fringe.  "Most humans don't even realize it was us tiny folk that invented hangnails.  I'll show you how."