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Sunday, January 13, 2013

Walking

Sometimes I go to bed and realize, "I still have my cloths on."
My brain does this rapid fire sometimes. Thoughts become remembrance, becomes idea, and I think, "I should go write that down."
Negative Nellie usually says "Nothing will come of it, just go to bed so you can get up and go to work without falling asleep at the wheel."

Well. Not tonight.
So I lay there, still with my cloths on.  Not startled by the thought that
I forgot to change into pajamas. But thinking how nice it would be to go walking, barefoot in the middle of winter.
Does that thought disturb me? 
"no."
I walked around Mackinac island once, half drunk, in the middle of the night after my first boyfriend told me he was gay.  After having my brother drive me 8 hours, and paying over 200$ to get there.  So what do I do?  I walk.  I walk all night.  Cold from playing in the water, but free.  Around the entire island. Do I get tierd?
"nope."
More thoughts cascade.
I ran away once when I was 8( I think), and what I remember most, was not the fear of retribution once I was found, if I was found, but the pure freedom in walking. Passed strangers houses, on streets unknown.  Did I get tierd?
"no."
I got thirsty, and a little snacky.  I went up to a strangers house and asked for a drink of water.  The nice lady got me some, and a few cookies.
I think I remember her talking on the phone to the police, and I left.
I was found shortly after.
But that freedom. I miss it.  And the way my brain slows when my body is trying to tell me "what the hell are you doing?"

Will I go sleep walking, and not remember the beautiful walk?  Will I dream of it and not remember?
But I can't go out for a walk.  Not barefoot or otherwise.
For many other reasons too, but because I have a family that depends on me to stay planted in this world.

I miss walking.  I just want to wander unknown to the world, unknown to myself, and slow it all down.  I want to think I can go lay in that bed and just shut down when I close my eyes.  I wonder how many things I've thought of and not bothered to write down, knowing full well I would forget it all by morning if not before.  

I would have done it before forest gump if I hadn't been 8 years old and without any real survival skills.  But I remember watching the movie and just sighing.  Like oh yeah....  Oh how I miss the slow world.

Sometimes the crazy tries to sneak it's way into my life, but responsibility keeps it from crossing any thresh holds. It sits in the corner like a lonely puppy  wanting to lick my face and be my best friend.  I ignore it, just like normal people who do it blindly.

Already I'm beginning to question my reasons for writing this down.  Why?  Will it make the longing go away?  Will it make the world more bearable knowing that I have a way to make it so?  Maybe it's just because maybe there are people out there who know exactly what I am saying and I am not alone in my quest to go to sleep without my brain rattling on at me as if there is so much more I should be doing instead of putting my pajama's on and going to sleep like a good girl.

My Internet is so slow, I almost lost these thoughts even before I got the browser running.  Now they are here, and maybe whatever sparked me to get up from bed, still not putting my p.j's on, and write them down will mean something more then something that ran through my head once that I had completely forgotten about.

I miss being part of the social world.  Having friends, exploring new things.  But then again I always dreaded it too. Hopefully the people that love me understand I am more happy walking alone, then trying to keep up with the world spinning around me.

Is it odd, or abnormal? Maybe by societies standards.  But how else can I hear the rain falling on the roof and wind howling through the exhaust pipe in my bedroom?  I mean with so much chaotic chatter, sometimes just walking can let a person avoid hearing it all together.

Off to bed I go in my sun dress, long sleeve top and stretch pants.  Hope it means something to someone.
 

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