Finally

Interaction.  All the warmth of holding a baby, totally dependent on me, the terrible twos where nothing was right, and communication was a flurry of Herculean temper tantrums. 

Finally, I have interaction with my son.  It took 3 years, but he finally figured out that calling me mom makes everything happen.  My heart is full of joy, because now we can interact.  My little man talks to me, he asks me for things, he talks to me (although most of it is monosyllabic).  It is direct human contact between us as individuals and it makes everything better. (although he can stop wiping his nose on my arm any time now.)  At least he hasn't figured out how to pick his nose.

Is it legal for a financial institution to use e-mail, or unused online accounts as their contact with a customer?  Seriously, I thought I had a couple months before my student loans with nelnet needed to be deferred again, and I finally register for an account with their online resource, and find out they've been sending all my information there, instead of in the mail!  Really?  Can that be legal?  What about people who don't own computers or have Internet?  I want real, bonofied U.S. Mail to tell me this stuff, not the Internet.  Mail fraud can be identified and prosecuted, the Internet has no legal barriers.  It's just not right. 

  Anyways.  I have a friend that wants to 'help' with my financial situation, and I keep thinking.  Have I not done an amazing job on my own?  I took care of three people for 2 years on minimum wage and in an expensive rental house.  Do I look like I don't know what I'm doing?  Do I seem stupid?  Because seriously, it's rather unnerving to think that he wants to see a years worth of finances to help when all I really wanted was for him to explain a 401 K to me.    I think I've damn well proven I can manage my money just fine. 

So what do you say to someone to keep from hurting their feelings, when really all you want to say is, "It's none of your fucking business."  I know I screwed up with my student loans, but honestly the government gave me student loans, sold them to different brokers and finally say pay up when they gave a loan to someone only making 5.00 an hour working 30 hours a week at a college kitchen. Ya, ya, if they gave out student loans based on the same things car or mortgage companies did, no one would get educations, but how is it that they can make these deals, and there isn't a way out for someone who never made it through college because of debilitating disability.  

Eh, that is enough griping.  My son has made me happy, and I want to enjoy it for all it is.  Something no amount of money can buy or secure.

HRmm?

I've decided that toy story is the new velveteen rabbit.   I thought that my toys would come to life when I wasn't looking because of that sunday morning cartoon with the little boy who got sick and lost his favorite stuffed toy(The Velveteen Rabbit).  My Gusto (the bear I've had and *blush* slept with for 26 years) should definitely get visited by a fairy and get to turn into a real bear.  I've loved the fur off most of him.  The bear was made by kinderbocks, at least I'm pretty sure this is what his tag says.
    His eyes are gone, and his nose has had to be sewn on, I cut his tongue off when I was a kid, but other then that and a few bald spots he's one tough stuffed animal.  The ones now a days fall apart after a year, and good luck finding one with real stuffing.  
      Well, that's just my thoughts for today.  I know it isn't real profound, but I think their is a correlation between toys having their own life, stuffed rabbits that get to be real because they are loved so much, and Pinocchio.  Every kid wonders if their toys come to life when they aren't looking.  Seems a materialistic thing to teach children, but respecting life even if it doesn't exist is a good start if you ask me.

Confused

I sit here wondering when time will stop, and when it will begin
Sands dripping wet and sloppy into a spiraling drain
The beauty of it stained by the frothy bubbles circulating

hypocrites of reason they defy their own logic
It passes, it surrenders and it fights to stay put.
What love is this, that it aspires such fear
What anger is this, that it fills the happiness with foreboding
It just seems shadows in the mid day light
Dismiss them, ignore them, do not acknowledge.

There is hope in the passing strangers
their wonderful joy spreads the darkness thin
but they are fleeting, and they never stop long enough
Never long enough.

The clock holds still, joy seeps in
A stranger that passes too.  
It stays long enough for a bath of envy
long enough for a shower of certainty.

Let the floods begin
my raft of plenty is full
It shall pass, as it always does
When will time stop, and when will it begin.

Reminder

First off, a reminder that Rollalong Hill starts with part 1 of 6   and ends with part 6 of 6.

So for today's note:
   I am having those brief moments throughout the day where I go, "I need this to change to be happy."  Then the idea of how to do that fleets from my mind so fast, I can't grab a hold of it.   It's like that story of the man who sat in complete peace and could see the mysteries of the universe unfold completely, but became unsettled from that peace just long enough to lose the answers forever.
    No matter how he tried, he could never remember or recreate the things he knew only moments ago.
    Nothing near that profound has come to me, but not being able to grasp my answers when they were in my head and still linger like shadows teasing me, is frankly depressing.
   I want change so badly, but just can't grasp how or when to do it.   Granted some recent events have made it clear that things CAN NOT remain unchanged, I still feel the need to make sure I don't screw up how good it's gotten either.   Is it worth the risk to the recently found comfort to jump into a new way of life?  
   Oh, and I am pretty damn sure that having a man/companion was NOT a part of the answers that flitted away so fast.  That too, is just depressing.   Maybe it wouldn't be if I had any luck at finding love,  but all I've ever found is someone happy to use me.  Yup, let me count them up in my head... use... use... use...use... Oh that gay one that I still have a crush on... use ..   Ya, my son is the only one I give permission to use me nowadays.   
   Here's hoping that the shadows don't just disappear into one of those black holes in my brain that keep sucking away my ability to think, remember or speak properly.  
   But here is to God for taking care of this sparrow.  Times are definitely better, and my son is safe.  Is it wrong to bitch about stuff and try and be thankful at the same time?  Is that like winning the lottery and bitching there isn't enough money? 

Another reminder,  Feel free to comment! I obsess over getting comments.  It is the first thing I check for every time I log on.  It's like sitting by the phone lonely waiting for anyone, even a wrong number to call for interaction.

 

hemorrhoids

Just to be honest, I chose that title so people would find this blog when they typed it in search.  People needing to look it up in their search bar need some kind of distraction I'm sure.  Anyways, life is good, and Big Brother #12 is about to be crowned.  GO LANE! I would vote for the person I liked the most, regardless of skill.  I know, it's not how it is supposed to be done, but dang it.  Hitler was a good painter, but do I want to give him an award for painting?  Hell no.  I'll give it to the kid with crayons first. 
   Maybe it's wrong, but such is life.  Such is humanity.  Not comparing anyone to Hitler, Hayden is super hot, and way out of my league, I just want the underdog to win.
    And Ragean is my favorite of all time!  Anyways. 
   I need to go to bed, damned Big Brother!
    I'd never make it on that show.  I'd crack, or people would just hate me, because lets face it I would play the worst social game in the history of the show.

anti-social

yet again, I have affirmed my need to be anti-social.  I've gotten better at handling crowds and close encounters of the human kind.  Somehow I still get overwelmed when confrontation rears its face.  A Nelnet automated phone call keeps asking for my social security number to give me very important information.  I called the number back to ask them to stop calling.  After much aggrivation and sputtering on my part the guy finally hung up on me. 
  I guess I may have been being a jerk, but damn it,  the man said they had a 'right' to keep calling me no matter what, and since I would not give him my personal information to confirm who I was, they were going to keep calling.
  Really?!   All I want is to get the stuff in the mail.  My phone is not a public line for them to use as they please.  I pay for that service, and they shouldn't have a right to call it as much as they want.  Who really knows if they are from Nelnet?  What if they are some foriegn based call center there to collect social security numbers and then invade my life and my finances?   How can I be sure?  ... but yet, as the man said, they have a right to call my number until I confirm my identity and ask them to stop. 
   So what if I wasn't Nellie Tobey?  What if I had moved, and someone gleaned my social security number from the mail?  The person could then access all my information with that one automated phone call.  I know it's kinda silly and paranoid.  Still. 
  I should be able to choose how my student loan company harrasses me.  I should be able to ask nicely and have them stop.  It's my phone number, and I pay for it.   Bah. 
   I tried working on that sci-fi at work today, but realized it's a hopeless cause and the whole story needs to be re-written. 
   Why can't people be more like dogs?  They're mad, they growl.  They're hurt, they whimper.  They love you, they greet you and cover you in slober every day... well maybe not that last part. 
   It is clear, it is apparent and it is not deceptive.  There is very little confusion to be had. 
Eh thats it for the night, I want to climb under my covers and forget how terrible people can be.   And I guess, even though I don't know his name, I should appologize to that Nelnet guy.  It was his job regardless of how upset I was.  Not his fault my phone has been blown up by barely english marketers trying to get my personal information for a free $200 Walmart gift card.

future

Is it possible that in the future a person could be prosecuted and criminally charged for not voting? Is it possible that people could be restricted from legal rights as an American Citizen just for not being registered to vote?
Is it also my right to choose not to vote? What if I truly believe I can not make an educated vote? What if I believe that my vote could put the wrong person in office? Why isn't there an option on voting ballots to say "none of the above" like on Brewsters Millions? Why can't we as a people throw out the nominations by the political parties that truly run our government without true people's consent?

Eh, I'll vote. I want to vote for someone this time around. But still... at certain times throughout our short history as a nation, being registered to vote meant way more then checking boxes on a ballot. Why are we still doing it? Especially since it's not our votes that will determine who gets that chair? Sure it will influence it a bit, but the peoples vote does not really make a difference if the politicians decide it doesn't.

Write your senator? Are you kidding? They do what makes them popular. They don't care what we think, and they don't have to. They care what will piss us off, they care what will lose in polls, but as to their vote... They get that decision with or without our consent.


OK, that was my attempt at being political. I suck at it because I really have NO clue how it works. I'm still that gullible 8 year old at heart who thinks that everyone puts the names in a bag, and the teacher counts up the one with the most votes.

On other notes, I like my nice boring do nothing life. Me and my son, being lazy on Saturdays, him sleeping in my bed and watching Toy Story until he falls asleep. It's amazing to be able to do that, and it won't last forever. I'm not giving it up anymore. Not for anyone.

I've finally found truth about my Victorian lady and that physicist.

(first off, I am single, divorced and happy that way) Lets do a poll. Is an emotional+flirty affair just as damaging to a family as a sexual one?
Either way, I won't be a party to it.
Is it ok for one human to kick someone else in the head because they are 'intoxicated' or 'insane'?
Hell No!
Do friends try and see past flaws and mistakes?
I try to.
Is it better to walk away from a friend, then to make them an enemy?
... lets hope.
Can one human control the perceptions or emotional reactions of another human being?
Nope.
Can one human try and keep another human from becoming an emotional time bomb?
Oh you can try, but they ultimately they decide to light the fuse. Just be ready to find a good bunker.

I didn't buy some wheat bread today, and my uncle was so upset, he told me I could no longer be his niece. He proclaimed that I had disowned him as an uncle. It was his last chance to have wheat bread before he took off to be a doctor in Tahiti,. I was going to go out and get bread, but he never stopped freaking out about the wheat bread or how I had deliberately came home first instead of stopping at the bread store. All the while he enjoyed a loaf of white bread... why would I go out now and get him bread? I was just glad when he finally left. He can go get his own damned bread.

Fooey.

So I was actually interested in dating this guy... A nuclear physicist from down the road. It's the same guy who let me know Wal-mart sells sugar and that molecular condensation for the mere purpose of creating that compound was just too rediculous when I can go to the Wally world and buy it in a ten pound bag. Anyways, the company he keeps in the form of a victorian lady from my past has turned out to be, well disturbing. He's also one of those dudes who loves to stare into his reflection as the beaker bubbles and boils. Anyways, that's the best way to describe my fictional social life. The victorian lady has refused to be my friend anymore and has insisted she will morn the loss of me as a friend. It reminds me of someone throwing away leftovers that they had so scrumptiously enjoyed the night before. Like saying, "Those were delicious last night, but now they have to go and it makes me sad." (plate of food gets scraped in garbage)

That's the best I can do without becoming an angry bitch and descibing in detail the amount of fustration I have with these people. My kid is once again stealing me away from the computer. I fear it is now my only social outlet until I get my kid enrolled in a headstart program. (I dread and fear having to interact with the other mothers and fathers.) I have a feeling that they'll mostly be twenty somethings the way this latter generation has turned out. I'll have to establish more fictional life later. My solar powered combustion inhibitor is about to fade and I have to get some juice for the child.

Later.

bAh

I've decided that my week in the office I will rewrite/edit my sci-fi I wrote last summer. It needs a lot of integrity related issues resolved. I was trying to finish it before my time was up in the office, so I ended it quickly and without much effort to coagulate the whole story. I only get 5 hours a workday with my son, so writing on here is limited. Even now he sits next to me asking for Thomas (the train) and watching Toy Story.

I've been thinking about starting an anonymous blog in which I can write the dark and creepy things that crawl in my head, but can not decide if it would be worth the trouble. I am not wholey this blog any more then I would be represented by the creepy crawly one. Something tells me there would be no harm in it, but then again who knows if I could really keep it a secret account. What is the point if it can't be kept all for myself, and if it can't be kept annonymous?

There is this odd belief I have, well it might not be odd, but I've never really discussed it with anyone. It's kind of like believing in mind reading (stay with me). If we could all read each others minds all the time... We could never really have a interpersonal identity. This person would really know I think they are a complete jerk, and that person would know that I have a huge desire to strip naked and run through a pile of shredded paper. What good is having fantasies about wringing someone's neck if they know about it? I think I've explained it, have I?
My odd belief is that if we as people do not keep some secrets, some things about us inside ourselves, if we bare it all to the world all the time, we aren't who we are, we don't have a true existance... I don't know why but it's just the way I feel. Part of why we humans treasure privacy is because we hold that sacred, and another person invading it is like someone ripping at our person. I still don't think that explains it, but it's the best way I can say it.

I guess I'm just glad that there is no such thing as psychic mind readers. That would have to be a most miserable existance. And also a huge reason I will never lead my son to believe I have super natural powers to know when, what and how he does anything. In my experience, that kind of power in the hands of the parent can do good, but it can also turn into something cruel and dibilitating.

Eh, enough of that, this kid has to go up to bed so mama can rest her sore muscles. Recycling is Very Hard work.

WIND

They call it the winds of change. I feel and see the wind whipping the oak trees around in our yard, and it makes me content and joyful. I'm not sure why, but something about the weather finally changing, makes me want to be in this world for once. Most times I just drag myself through it as best I can, knowing that I have to stick anything and everything out for my son. But today just felt nice. It was not a struggle, it was not a battle and it was peaceful even with the day to day crap happening. This must be how normal feels. Being able to appreciate the wind blowing the cold air of fall into the tree's above me, this must be normal. I'm hoping that these winds of change stick around a while, it has been a long time since I've been able to see the world around me instead of trying to look away.
Even if it doesn't stick with me, I'm going to post this, and look back to remember that my worlds worth enjoying and my son deserves a mother who can enjoy his company on a long term basis, not just in the small great moments that fleet by.
Thank you to my boy who has made it all possible. My son is my hero, he has saved my life, he has restored my joy and I hope that I can be the kind of mother he deserves.

ZOO

I'll have another week sitting in an office comming up, so I think I'll either edit Rollalong hill some more, or I'll put up a new story that's been sitting dormant in my tax papers. Haven't decided yet, since people refuse to leave comments (I won't beg... Unless I have to).

I'm taking my son to the Zoo monday, and I'm so excited to see his reactions to the animals. I was really dreading it, especially after his meltdown at the furniture store today, but then we got home - he was amazing. He behaved! He did cute wonderful warmhearted things, and the episode of the monstrously strong 3 year old refusing to stand in front of the counter where I tried to check out, vanished.
It's all worth it in those moments. But seriously, if anyone knows how to deal with a insanely tall and strong 2-3 year old when they have tantrums, I would love suggestions. Trust me when I say it is completely different when the child has the strength to break bones, and has no fear. My little Hercules, with the heart of gold, you will always be loved most of all! I love you more then sleep baby! Never lose that strength that makes the world yours!

Yea Denmark!

This blogger has finally figured out how to check her stats! I just want to take a moment to thank those foriegn nation viewers that have 'pageview'ed me. I honestly thought my brother and my friend Tamar were the only ones viewing! But Denmark! You rock. You're fantastic. You've made me a very very happy lady tonight. Cheers to your beautiful land!

And to the other nations that have viewed,
Canada - Merci! Thank you!
United Kingdom- Thank you!
China-Ah bo u ja Lahu - Thank you!
Latvia - Paldies! - Thank you!
France- Merci! - Thank you!
Israel- Toda Raba - Thank you!
Taiwan - Kam sia Hopi - Thank you!

Here's hoping there are many more to add to the list soon! And feel free to comment people! Post like crazy! I would be honored!

mornin sunshine

Just wanted to post. Eh, it's been almost 2 years, and I only have 3 followers and 67 people to visit my posts... I'm not giving up, because then I'd never write but maybe I'm just not great at this. All well. Time to go to work.